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Dick Tracy, 5/31/22

I apologize for my commentary yesterday in which I claimed that Dick Tracy would not want to get to the bottom of this whole non-violent bank robbery situation. In fact, there’s nothing Dick would like more than to put these smarty-pants computer-using cyber types in jail, and if they’ve been doing crimes with their IBM PCs, well, that’s just a bonus. I respect the understated way that the Cinnamon Knight, whose whole deal is that he dresses up like a knight from the late middle ages, explains that cyber crime is “not his speciality,” because you can’t stab it with a sword, I guess.

Pluggers, 5/31/22

Man, the combination of “Jingle Bells” being in a thought balloon, the slouch, and the plugger’s heavy-eyed expression sure adds up to a lowkey grim panel. “Jingle Bells,” thinks the plugger tunelessly, thinking about how these days Christmas is about the only thing he can get excited about, with the lights and church service and family all around, while the rest of the year just feels more and more difficult to take, and we’re about halfway between Christmases and it’s hard to imagine holding on for another year but I guess this utility bill isn’t going to mail itself, “jingle bells.”

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Beetle Bailey, 5/30/21

Hope you’re having a happy somber and meaningful Memorial Day, everybody! Beetle Bailey, America’s #1 only military-themed comic strip, is honoring our war dead by depicting our NCOs as brutes whose murderousness can only be deflected by their encouraging their ravenous appetites. Someone has desperately spray-painted “ALWAYS REMEMBER!” on one of Camp Swampy’s buildings, in an attempt to force these people to remember the real purpose behind today’s celebration (it didn’t work).

Hi and Lois, 5/30/21

Hi Flagston is so disgusted by his brother-in-law’s unit that he and Thirsty are spending Memorial Day giving what I assume is a shoutout to Popeye and, by extension, the forgotten veterans of the Merchant Marine, who had a higher rate of casualties during World War II of than any other service.

Marvin, 5/30/21

Speaking of stolen valor, I think it’s important that names like “M.U.T.T.” only be used for robot dogs, with the initials standing for “Multipurpose Unified Technological Terrier” or something like that. Insult Bitsy without treading on the prerogatives of the noble cyber-dogs, Marvin!

Dick Tracy, 5/30/21

“Oh, man, that sounds like white collar crime, which I definitely don’t care about. Next you’re gonna ask me to do something about wage theft! Ha ha, go call some lib who cares!”

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Dick Tracy, 5/24/22

Aww, it looks like this rat dinner is actually just a li’l treat for an adorable li’l owl sidekick to this owlish (?) dude, who I’m pretty sure is the same guy who we saw last week hypnotizing people at ATMs into giving him their money, just like an owl would (????). I’m thinking of completely changing careers and setting up a computer repair shop, but telling everyone that all service has to take place on my front porch because “computer components aren’t owl friendly” and offering no follow-up or further explanation.

Mary Worth, 5/24/22

Aw, crap, it looks like against my advice this summer romance storyline is going to be about Dawn and Jared after all! And instead of “romance” it’s actually going to be about how Jared still doesn’t feel like he isn’t “good enough” to meet Dawn’s standards (?????????) and has to keep puffing himself up in her eyes, with hilarious results. “Dawn, I’m not some idiot clown who’s always screeching and throwing poop, like a baboon! In some circles, I’m actually considered quite intelligent, like a baboon.”

Marvin, 5/24/22

Say what you will about the comic strip Marvin, but it really hammers home what it’s like to be a parent to an infant (what it’s like is that there’s piss and shit everywhere that you have to deal with). It also takes occasional breaks from that material in order to let you know what it’s like dealing with an older gentleman (what it’s like is there’s also a bunch of piss stuff and it takes about 33% more time for them to get to the point about it than it should).

Beetle Bailey, 5/24/22

Sad news, everyone: the closed, secret trial of General Halftrack is about to start! He’s going to be the first person sent to Gitmo for incompetence.