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Dick Tracy, 9/12/19

I’m not going to bother bringing you up to speed on the current Dick Tracy “Minit Mystery” guest-artisted arc, which involves a murder that took place at a modeling agency. The only mystery I actually care about is this: is this storyline just an opportunity for someone to indulge their getting-yelled-at-by-women-in-bathing-suits fetish? All signs point to yes!

Beetle Bailey, 9/12/19

Is Sarge … about to chow down on a half-eaten cookie he fished out of a garbage can? I’m not sure I’d describe that as the behavior of a “big jerk.” It could be indicative of a number of other reasons you wouldn’t want to date him, though!

Dennis the Menace, 9/12/19

“Wow, Henry has a photo album full of muscle guys and he’s lucky that I didn’t fall for any of them? The real menace here is your narrow mind, son.”

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Beetle Bailey, 8/20/19

Aside from the odd ear or tooth, Sarge and Cookie are the same — so pity Sarge. Every meal forces him to confront, as in a mirror, the shapeless wreck Army food has made of his body. He eats until the shame overwhelms him, then starves until his next cheating meal. The cookies Mrs. Bailey sends her son are his only joy, and those he must take by force. “It’s not hatred, Beetle,” he sobs mid-beating, “I’m just hungry!”

Dick Tracy, 8/20/19

Honestly, Dick, you’re a married man with two natural children; how is any of this a surprise to you? Who do you think you are, Mark Trail? Amos van Hoesen? Brad DeGroot? Sam Driver? Earl Houndstooth? Gunther Burger? Dr. Jeff Cory? Rex Morgan?

Judge Parker, 8/20/19

Not the best outfit for concealed carry there, April. Pretty sure 90% of guys are gonna be staring straight up that barrel.

Zits, 8/20/19

Jeremy, everybody knows you and Zumba got history Exactly what sort of sandwich did you have in mind?

— Uncle Lumpy

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Judge Parker, 8/8/19

Ooh, it looks like Judge Parker is dipping deep into its lore for this latest plot twist! Who is it just off-panel addressing Sam as “Samuel” so unctuously? Is it Rocky Ledge, Godiva’s on-again, off-again husband and Europa Aerospace’s CEO, who used to be an aw-shucks country music star (in addition to being the CEO of an aerospace company/green power colossos) but maybe is evil now? Is it Avery the Hollywood agent, who Sam accidentally helped become a drug lord? Is it … just April’s dad Norton, again? It’s probably Norton, isn’t it.

Dick Tracy, 8/8/19

God, look how angrily Dick is pursing his lips in panel three. “Yes, while the temptation is almost overwhelming to simply arrest the person adjacent to this crime whose family has criminals in it and throw them in jail forever without trial on account of their tainted blood, I suppose we must find … or perhaps manufacture … proof, because of the liberal Supreme Court’s meddling.”

The Phantom, 8/8/19

I know I haven’t really been keeping you up to date on the weekday Phantom, so, real quick: in his quest to rescue Imara Sahara, wife of the Nomad (the Phantom’s archnemesis!) and mother of Kadia (the Phantom’s daughter’s best friend!) from the Nomad’s seaside villa/heavily guarded terrorist compound, our hero has had to stay one step ahead of both American drone strikes and various Nomad henchmen trying to ensure his wife never escapes to spill her guts about his operations. Anyway, I particularly approve of the Ghost Who Walks’ technique to keep her calm during this ordeal: distract her with Wikipedia facts about the country where her daughter is staying. “Mawitaan is the third largest city in sub-Saharan Africa! It’s the center of a major sheep-herding region and sits atop valuable copper deposits!”

Funky Winkerbean, 8/8/19

In addition to being a very bad English teacher, Les is also the advisor to the school newspaper. Today we’re learning that many of the kids who work for the school newspaper are unfamiliar with the vocabulary of journalism, and this is … proof that young people are dumb and bad, and not an indictment of the man who’s supposed to be teaching them about journalism, somehow?