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Gil Thorp, 3/30/17

As usual, once this Gil Thorp plot shifted from its insane setup to its inane resolution, I sort of lost interest in it, and I apologize! Quick summary: Aaron’s mom is on drugs and so he often goes hungry because she’s spending the grocery money on drugs, which affected his athletic performance, so Gil took him out to eat a lot, and it seemed like maybe Aaron was going to get sent into foster care and he was mad at the Freezy Bomb Boys for inadvertently narcing on her, but then she agreed to go to rehab and came to a game where Aaron did well and now it turns out that the family of one of the Freezy Bomb Boys will be letting Aaron live in their basement, and presumably feeding him. I’m not clear on whether this guy’s Ken Brown or Mike Granger, but whoever he is, I hope he likes having raves in his basement, because Aaron is definitely going to be throwing a bunch of raves in his basement.

Dennis the Menace, 3/30/17

I will sheepishly admit that “Dennis cheerfully blurts out all the shit his parents talk about their friends and coworkers behind their backs” is one of my favorite from the list of typical menacing actions in this strip. You’d really think that the Mitchells would have figured out that little pitchers have big ears and no sense of discretion by this time, although what with Dennis being eternally five, who knows, maybe every single Dennis panel over the past 66 years only takes place over six months or so of strip time so they haven’t gotten used to it yet? Anyway, Henry really shouldn’t be speaking ill of four-time NFL Pro Bowler Alex Karras, who could almost certainly beat him up.

Family Circus, 3/30/17

Ha ha, it’s funny because the other Keane Kids don’t care about Billy’s emotional distress and would rather watch their TV show about a businessman mouse who lives in the jungle!

Blondie, 3/30/317

Having been thoroughly enervated by the ennui of suburban middle-class life, Dagwood can only be cheered by the prospect of his own agonizing death.

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Family Circus, 3/26/17

Big Daddy Keane’s defeated look as he slouches out to his car really makes this comic, in my opinion. “Ugh, my children … they’re disgusting! I’m certainly not going to touch them with my mouth! Just the image of them will haunt me all day!”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/26/17

I sincerely hope that young man with the spray can turns out to be the elusive Banksy. Lem will find that the notional value of his property will skyrocket, but he’ll be unable to sell the art because to maintain its integrity it must remain in situ, so mostly he’ll have to deal with higher property taxes and irritating hipster tourists.

Mary Worth, 3/26/17

Port Canaveral? OH MY GOD TOBY AND MARY ARE GOING TO GET SHOT INTO SPACE

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Mary Worth, 3/21/17

Ah, yes, just as predicted, Jeff would rather annoy his daughter and son-in-law than spend time with Mary on what I’m sure is a fully ADA-accessible cruise ship, which means that gal time on the high seas is go! I do like that Jeff thinks to ask if Ian is going too. Maybe’s hoping to lure the good Professor over to drink all of Adrian and Scott’s scotch and get some bro-bonding in! Sadly, Ian is out of town, so we won’t get to find out the depths of contempt in which ol’ Chinbeard holds Dr. Corey, who chose to use his doctorate to tend to vile human bodies, as opposed to plumbing the depths of English and Scots literature, as a creature pure mind would.

Family Circus, 3/21/17

It’s true: the smooth, pink, undifferentiated pink loaf-like material that makes up the Keane Kids’ bodies, now fully on display as we see them here with their shirts off, takes a while to absorb the Nutrient Fluid the technician is injecting into them. Remember kids, your weekly tune-up keeps your ghastly simulacrum of life vaguely believable!