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Mark Trail, 2/9/15

Oh, man, when you get a villain bellowing “WHAT TH-“ and then getting punched in the face by Mark Trail on a Monday, you know you’ve got a great week ahead of you! I have to say that if I were Mitchum I’d be pretty disappointed in the quality of henchmen I’d hired. Mark and his swamp-king ally aren’t armed, and yet this supposed thug is just standing there patiently waiting for events to unfold. “Oh, your hand gently resting over my mouth means that I can’t make any noise that might alert my boss to your presence? Sure, sounds fair!”

Slylock Fox, 2/9/15

Shady Shrew may or may not be violating the regulations about watercraft weight and propulsion for this little regatta, but I’m certainly glad he followed one rule to the letter: the rule that says that participants have to dress in some cute nautical-themed outfit. Look them all! They’re adorable!

Family Circus, 2/9/15

You know, God’s mind is infinitely above ours and it’s impossible for mere mortals to understand what brings Him joy, but I’m gonna take a stab in the dark and say it must be pretty fun to deny Jeffy’s requests, day after day after day.

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Beetle Bailey, 1/17/15

Hey, it’s my favorite Beetle Bailey running gag, The Halftracks Hate Each Other With An Awful Intensity That Makes The Lockhorns Look Like A Nicholas Sparks Novel! Like many awful things in the comics, I originally “liked” this ironically but have come over the years to respect its terrible purity. Anyway, today General Halftrack tells the woman he’s been married to for decades that he has very little idea how to love a woman, but he’s quite sure that women are incapable of loving him or anyone else back.

Family Circus, 1/17/15

BuzzFeed, like all other secular entertainment, is forbidden within the walls of the Keane Kompound, and so Billy has been forced to cobble his own version together from available materials.

Pluggers, 1/17/15

Say what you will about pluggers, but they can promise you this: they will never, ever subject you to the sight of their nipples on national television.

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Family Circus, 12/18/14

There’s a lot of things about this world that Billy doesn’t understand, because he’s too young or naive or aggressively ignorant, and one of them is, to quote Matthew McConaughey’s character in True Detective, that time is a flat circle. Billy still sees this Christmas season of forced morality in a linear fashion, as an obstacle to be overcome and then forgotten about. Jeffy wears a look of world-weariness that indicates that despite being younger he is the wiser sibling. There’s no end in sight. Santa is always coming again, sometime in the future, and is always watching, always weighing us against his system of mysterious and arbitrary ethics. All of us have to be good, forever.

Mary Worth, 12/18/14

Look, Mary, Hanna appreciates how you’ve helped bring her and Sean together, but she is not interested in you listening in on their duet, OK? It’s for Hanna’s pleasure, not yours. It’s for fun. She’s uncomfortable performing for third parties. Maybe someday, but for now, all her flute-playing will be happening behind closed doors.