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Spider-Man, 8/10/13

Say, I like the cut of this Tarantula fellow’s jib, if Tarantulas may properly be said to have jibs. Check out the jaunty mask, cut to reveal the lush facial hair sported by men of his ethnic stereotype, and the long ties in back to accentuate the manly athleticism of his superheroics. Hear his speech, formal and polite even as he applies a savage beat-down to this hapless minion. All he needs is a little guitar riff every time he shows up or someone mentions his name. Costa Verde is lucky to have this guy — I mean, look at the motley, second-rate spider-themed adventurers other nations have to put up with!

There’s a missed opportunity in today’s strip, though: the Costa Verdan’s rifle really should be going <¡PUMM!>. But I suppose Spider-Man isn’t much of a stickler for sound-effects orthodoxy, is it?

Gil Thorp, 8/10/13

For weeks, Max ‘n’ Harry Herkelshimer have been lurching from one sandwich shop to another, talking about food on those rare occasions their mouths weren’t stuffed with it. So we should be glad some wrestling action is finally on the way, I guess?

But Gil’s “plan” sounds even more half-assed than usual, if that’s even possible. Based on his insight that Max “lives in the past” or some damn thing, Gil plans to impersonate wrestler Beau Dandy to give “Herk the Mauler” one last bout before he toddles on off into that dark night. How this would do anything but disorient and terrify an actual Alzheimer’s patient is beyond me, Gil admits he’s just winging it, and Harry thinks he’s nuts. But hey — there are two weeks before the start of football season, and they’re not gonna kill themselves.

Sherman’s Lagoon, 8/10/13

It’s Shark Week, the High Holy Days of the Lagooniverse, but oops!

The Giant Squid in Sherman’s Lagoon is the polar opposite of beloved comic relief characters like Pat Brady, Scrappy Doo and Jar Jar Binks. Squid’s rare appearances in the strip signal that it’s suddenly No Joke At All. And since he’s underemployed here, I recommend putting him on tour. He could thin the supporting casts of joke-a-day strips like Hi and Lois (Dot), Beetle Bailey (Gizmo, Lt. Flap, Killer), and Luann (Delta), then go straight for the leads in Dilbert, Crock, and Get Fuzzy. His work accomplished, he could retire to Funky Winkerbean, where he could find a place downtown and work at Montoni’s. He’d fit right in.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/10/13

Hey Rachel, you living at Wally’s now? I know a squid who might be interested in renting your old place. How’s your son? Enjoying his time down the Memory Hole with Gil and Mimi Thorp’s kids? Say, I know “plucky single mom” wasn’t as much fun for you as “high school sex goddess” — but are you absolutely sure “sad-sack Wally’s foil” is the right move?

Next: Band crap!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Shoe, 7/29/13

So, here you go: Shoe finally takes a stab at acknowledging that its denizens are sentient bird-men and -women, with puzzling results. First of all, I can’t believe I never made the flappers-bird connection before, and am reasonably sure that there’s some elaborate sentient-bird-women-as-flappers fan drawings out there, possibly on DeviantArt, possibly in the context of an all-sentient-bird Great Gatsby graphic novel. And yet the whole potential crossover is wasted, for the most part. Instead, Loon just tells a weird story about how his aunt used her unremarkable-in-this-context power of flight to … transcend to a higher plane of existence? Like in Jonathan Livingston Seagull? Or maybe she just died of exhaustion/oxygen deprivation? Anyway, if there were ever a situation where Shoe’s patented goggle eyes of horror would be appropriate, it’s this one — “let me tell you a fun story about my aunt that ends in her disappearance and probable death” — but instead the Perfesser just stares straight ahead with dead-eyed numbness. He stopped listening to Loon hours ago. He just says “Yeah?” during conversational lulls to feign politeness.

Gil Thorp, 7/29/13

It may be no Gail Martin mystery, but this summer’s Gil Thorp storyline has been zany in a low-key way, involving an amiable, Alzheimer’s-stricken ex-pro-wrestler and his also ex-pro-wrestler son wandering the nation on the dad’s whims. Today, our senile king of the squared circle is going to teach One-Armed Steve some wrestling moves! Steve seems amused and convinced this will all be in fun, about which he may turn out to be mistaken.

Family Circus, 7/29/13

I guess the tattered state of Jeffy’s blanket is meant to indicate that it’s a well-loved security object for him, but I prefer a different interpretation: it’s decayed during his multi-decade, Rip van Winkle-style nap. No, I’m not sure why Jeffy hasn’t gotten older or why his clothes and house are still intact, even though his family long since moved away and/or died. The important thing is that Jeffy has been thrust alone into a world he no longer understands, OK? Just … just give me this.

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Gil Thorp, 7/20/13

Gil Thorp briefly (or maybe forever?) cuts away from wacky tales of senile retired pro wrestlers to bring you wacky tales of one-armed golf coaches! Steve Boone is an ex-Mudlark who lost his arm in a non-combat accident on an army base and was super depressed about it until Gil gave him an unpaid coaching job last year, which made everything better. Now he’s up for some wacky amputee jokes with the kids! Yaaaay sports!

Judge Parker, 7/20/13

Oh look, it appears that a member of the Spencer-Driver-Parker axis, who, it goes without saying, is already fabulously wealthy, just got $1,000 dropped in her lap, for doing nothing! Sarah Morgan may be already bored with having everything handed to her with no effort on her part, but this shit never gets old for anyone in Judge Parker.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/20/13

You know, I was going to complain about how Funky Winkerbean just won’t let us forget that the Dinkles are going to sex each other up, but you know what? It’s probably the happiest anyone in this strip has been for months, so I’ll let them enjoy it, at least until the shocking revelation about one of Viagra’s little-known side effects (boner cancer).

Spider-Man, 7/20/13

Oh, man, I was gonna guess “Because he’s on a plane and you have to turn your cell phone off when you’re on a plane,” but the real reason is much better, because it involves Spidey’s ineptitude.

Shoe, 7/20/13

“Ha ha no but seriously my marriage is a sham and my whole life is an awful emotional prison” [anguished bird-man sobs]