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Family Circus, 6/21/24

Lord, I am a simple man, and one of my favorite Family Circus bits is when Jeffy just says some of the dumbest shit imaginable. Today’s dumb shit is particularly fun for me because it’s actually two different kinds of dumb shit that are a little bit in tension with one another. Because on the one hand, do you think other animals have to buy clothes? Maybe you think they should, but they clearly don’t. And second, you know that the turtle isn’t in his shell, but, biologically speaking, he is his shell, right? It’s part of his body; there’s not some naked little shell-less turtle inside of it. Like, imagine a scenario where a turtle ate from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, and his eyes were opened, and he realized that he’s naked. He’s going to have to make or buy clothes for himself! His shell doesn’t count! He’s going to have to pull his clothes over his shell, and how stupid is that going to look?

Hagar the Horrible, 6/21/24

Oh, my friend! That raise was never yours! In this economic arrangement Hagar, the owner of the boat, is capital, and you are labor. You receive the prevailing wage as your salary, and Hagar appropriates the surplus value generated by your efforts for his own uses. Don’t let misogyny blind you to the economic realities of your situation! Your choices are submission, entrepreneurship, or revolution!

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Dustin, 5/31/24

Look, I get — believe me, I get — that it’s hard to mine jokes every single day out of a single premise, and sometimes when you’re doing a daily newspaper strip, you need a mechanism by which you can say “OK, this admittedly bad joke I thought up/heard/read in an email forward is my punchline today, idgaf, it’ll be funny if I have a stupid person say it.” But if you have to have two of these mechanisms, like “Dustin’s stupid friend” and “the stupid people who call into Dustin’s mom’s radio show,” that says something about where you’re at and it isn’t great.

Hagar the Horrible, 5/31/24

You know I like to spend time figuring out the whole historico-political situation of Hagar the Horrible, so I want to point out the guy in the kilt in the foreground, which tells me this takes place in a time when the Norse were the elite of a multi-ethnic world along the edges of the North Atlantic and Baltic, and stretching from Iceland to the Black Sea, and inhabited by Celts and Slavs as well as Vikings. Also apparently their culture had a prominent place for the ritual of the “fuck tunnel,” but I don’t really know anything about that. Not an expert admittedly but I have no reason to doubt the cartoon.

Dennis the Menace, 5/31/24

These are both good-looking shirts! I imagine that one of the joys of doing a newspaper comic strip is that you can always decide “I’m gonna draw some nice shirts today” and it will brighten up someone’s day. Specifically mine! Consider my day brightened, Dennis the Menace creative team.

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Hagar the Horrible, 5/29/24

One of the great dilemmas of transport is that the more mass you need to move, the more energy you need to move it, which means you need more fuel, but fuel itself adds mass. At sea, or in space, when you have to take all your fuel with you when you depart on your journey, the mass of that fuel can be a real limiting factor in terms of how you far you can go — but on the other hand, you have to figure into your calculations that in most scenarios, you burn off fuel as you use it, so the mass of your vessel actually goes down over time. Anyway, one of the human beings who serve as fuel for Hagar’s boat, which is burdened by the extra mass of the extra rowers being towed behind it, can’t row anymore, due to his injury. It would make things easier for the uninjured rowers if the overall mass they were propelling were lower. You see where I’m going with this.

Mary Worth, 5/29/24

Sorry if this is rude to say, but Wilbur doesn’t look that bad here, certainly not bad enough to inspire Mary’s look of wild-eyed panic. Oh, he’s got some stubble and he’s in his robe? Maybe looks a little sad? I 100% guarantee that the Chartertsone condo board has received angry emails about worse, much worse, when Wilbur takes one of his spontaneous constitutionals around the grounds or simply forgets to close his curtains.

Dennis the Menace, 5/29/24

This strip is just brutally real. Mr. Wilson has a loving wife, a generous U.S. Postal Service pension, and a bucolic home in the suburbs. This really is his best life! And he fucking hates it! Because of Dennis! Grim stuff.