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Curtis, 1/2/07

Ah, Kwanzaa: What would our life be without you? We would be bereft, is what, since we wouldn’t be treated to the annual totally demented and awesome Kwanztravaganza in Curtis. I didn’t think anything could beat last year’s bat-winged Kwanzaa bear, but this enormous, huge-eyed, telepathic (and the good kind of telepathic, with the glowing rings of telepathy emerging from her brain) golden otter is breathtaking in its over-the-top Kwanztasticness. I was going to go back and read the earlier Curtises I missed during my vacation to see if I could figure out what the hell is going on here, but why bother? Just lie back and enjoy the huge golden otter’s telepathic glow. Ahhhh.

The Phantom, 1/2/07

I did go back and read all the old Phantoms I missed, but I still have no idea what the hell this conversation is supposed to mean. Mostly I just like the sentence “We had it made with that securities job! Now we’re robbing natives!” I like to imagine it coming out of the mouth of one of the fratty Ivy League pricks I went to college with, one of the ones who was all eager to move to New York and get jobs working for Smith Barney or some such, but who one day found himself advancing on a village in Malawi with an AK-47 instead, wondering what had gone wrong with his life.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 1/2/07

The haircut and the striped t-shirt are strongly evocative of Ronald McDonald, which can’t possibly be accidental. But I think what really sells this for me is the fact that the giant cargo shorts are magenta. Because that’s what they’re wearing on the streets. Word.

Mark Trail, 1/2/07

Look at that wistful little smile on Mark’s face in the last panel. Oh, if there’s ever a man who loves the thrill of the struggle with a clever, hard-working beaver, it’s Mark Trail. He’s going to live-trap the hell out of those rodents — but he respects them, is the important thing.

I wonder when Mark is going to tell Dick that he’s the one who set Lucky loose to wreak havoc on Dick’s land. Hint: the best time will be when Dick is unarmed.

Hagar the Horrible, 1/2/07

Oh, for … Hagar and Lucky Eddie do not defend castles! OK? Hagar and Lucky Eddie attack castles that other people defend! Get it? They’re attackers! Not attackees! GAH!

I think there’s something wrong with me that this bothers me so much. But I’m still right, dammit.

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Mark Trail, 12/9/06

One of the things that Mark Trail is ostensibly supposed to do is to teach young people about the ways of nature. That’s why we’re lucky that no young people actually read Mark Trail because the last thing you really should do if you encounter an injured animal — particularly an injured animal with enormous, powerful teeth that it’s temperamentally prone to going all bitey bitey with — is to pick it up. Fortunately Mark is like a modern-day St. Francis with his animal-charming powers, although somewhat more enthusiastic about punching hillbillies in the face than the good man from Assisi.

At some level, Mark knows that his reckless beaver-handling isn’t a good example for young people. That’s why Rusty has magically transmogrified into a full-grown adult in panels one and three.

Hagar the Horrible, 12/9/06

I could think of any number of mildly amusing punchlines that might have made incrementally but noticeably funnier use of the setup provided here. What appears to have happened is that someone at Hagar Central remembered that, according to the meticulously maintained and elaborate Hagar the Horrible canon, Hagar is actually illiterate, and reference to that fact had to be added in at the last minute lest all the Hagar nerds (chosen name: “Horribles”) tear this strip to pieces on the many, many Hagar fan sites.

Popeye, 12/9/06

So, yeah, Popeye’s been doing this “Olive Oyl is jealous of Sweet Pea and also just sort of in general” storyline for, like, months and months and months, which has mostly been unworthy of mention, until today when we get Olive contemplating “dating” a gorilla, which I, uh, thought worthy of mention.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/9/06

Niki, I warned you that “bad June” would be back before too long. If “painting the garage” is anything like “cleaning the basement,” a euphemism thought up by Mrs C. and her filthy-minded college friends, Niki had better hope that his jaw is back in top shape.

The Family Circus, 12/9/06

There’s something unspeakably creepy to me about Ma Keane standing in the doorway in the background of this scene, looking on at these crimes against pretend medical science silently and expressionlessly. It’s as if she’s watching another step in an unfathomable and long-running plan of her own design playing out. I’m not sure what that plan is, but it’s a good guess that it involves somebody’s freakishly oversized head being split open.

Spider-Man, 12/9/06

Later, after the drama is resolved: “Yeah, honey, it was reverse psychology! Yeah, that’s the ticket.”

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B.C., 7/25/06

Greetings, citizens! Certain liberal agitators — greenies, communists, and other America-hating terrorist sympathizers — may have misled you to believe that dumping phosphate-containing detergents into rivers or oceans may somehow damage the so-called “environment.” In fact, the sea is a filthy, filthy place, and the beasts that swim within it essentially live in their own urine and feces. Thus, by allowing our used cleaning products to flow into the water supply, we’re doing the fish, crabs, sea urchins, and other watery creatures a big favor. Don’t withhold your life-giving detergent from our ocean-borne friends!

Also, a note to Jews, Muslims, atheists, and other non-Christians: YOU ARE ALL DOOMED TO HELLFIRE! TURN OR BURN, PEOPLE, TURN OR BURN!

Mary Worth, 7/25/06

Can’t … stop … staring … at … Mary’s … freakish … pinky finger! Seriously, what is the deal with her hand in panel one? It looks like her finger and a chunk of her palm was somehow hewn off (possibly in a “household ‘accident'”) and Dr. Jeff threw his medical ethics to the wind to attach a donor hand-piece to his beloved in an experimental and highly dangerous procedure.

Meanwhile, Toby’s tale of hearsay and spite continues along its merry way. Cunning use of scare quotes around “accident” there, Mrs. Cameron; because surely if two people are in a house together and one of them dies, there can be only one diagnosis: murder. Say, what fundamental aspect of U.S. law does Toby seem to be undermining here?

Good to have her back, isn’t it, folks?

Hagar the Horrible, 7/25/06

Yeah, but … you never … really answered the question … of … why … uh … actually, I don’t think I want to know.