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Herb and Jamaal, 2/22/08

Yeah, Herb! Those jeans are much beloved by people Ezekial’s age! You know, people younger than 18! People who are still in school, and live at home, and aren’t yet legal adults! If only there were some kind of handy word that could describe people who fall into that category … but what could it be?

Actually, this weird circumlocution is yet another instance of Herb and Jamaal’s quest for total timeliness. When I watched It’s A Wonderful Life again this Christmas, I was struck by just how damn high up Jimmy Stewart wore his the waistband of his pants in the scenes where he’s supposed to be in his early 20s — just like old men puttering around nursing homes wear them today. It made me realize that the ludicrous styles your parents make fun of when you’re 16 are the exact same ludicrous styles your grandchildren will be making fun of when you’re 75. In other words, come 2050 or so, all the legacy Herb and Jamaal artist will need to do is erase the mustache on Herb and add it to Ezekial and WHAM! Instant up-to-the-minute relevance, with all the dialog the same!

Mary Worth, 2/22/08

It’s a good thing Mary is such a master meddler, as no mere tyro could have possibly pulled off this awesomely convoluted platitude. Seriously, it took two panels to execute in full. I’d love to see it in cross-stitch.

Dick Tracy, 2/22/08

Ha ha, Louise Brooks, the jig is up! You should have known that by selling supplies to so-called “artists,” you’d eventually attract the attention of an honest lawman like Dick Tracy! He’ll make you pay for enabling the depiction of the human form in somewhat abstract ways!

Six Chix, 2/22/08

Most pointless second panel ever. That … that’s pretty much how a frequent buyer card works. Yup.

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Mary Worth, 11/20/07

Ah ha! Chester’s real owner! Here at last is the conflict, the drama that has eluded this storyline for so long! Mary will be confronted with some sad-eyed waif who’s so happy to be reunited with her very special Prince Snuffles or whatever the dog’s real name is. She’ll be all torn up inside about letting go of the dog she’s come to love in a short time. Will she be able to do it? Will she do the right thing and return the dog to his rightful owner? Or will she find some way to rationalize keeping the dog, leaving the child heartbroken? Action! Excitement!

Or, you know, it could play out like the damn condo rules feint. “I’d better find out if Chester has a real owner. Oh, he doesn’t! Hooray! I’m so great!” Damn you, Mary Worth, I don’t need another strip that sets up dilemmas only to summarily dispatch them with no effort on the part of the characters. I have Spider-Man for that.

You’ll note that Chester himself has given up on anything fun happening in this strip and has decided to just hump Mary’s leg until her shin goes numb.

Herb and Jamaal, 11/20/07

Ah, yes, “that sappy chick flick.” Thank God US law only allows one of those to be in theaters at any given time so that we don’t have to sully our lips with its name.

Judge Parker, 11/20/07

Things that might be going through Abbey’s shocked and horrified mind in panel three:

• “Oh my God, my husband kissed another woman!”
• “Oh my God, my husband kissed a woman!”
• “Oh my God, my husband broke several rules in the Bar Association’s ethics code!”
• “Oh my God, my husband thinks that ‘a big wet smacker on the lips’ is some kind of acceptable phrase to use in conversation!”

And here’s a couple of amusing standalone panels for today:

Panel from Gil Thorp, 11/20/07

We all know how pathetic and basically lonely Coach Thorp is, but today, with Gil giving a pep talk to the shrubbery outside his house, really brings it home.

Panel from Popeye, 11/20/07

There’s context for this, sort of, but I like it best in hilariously inappropriate isolation.

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Hey kids, sorry for my late and lame updates so far this week … I’ve been guest-blogging at Wonkette, which is fun but kind of emotionally draining. I’m done, though, so I promise that today will be the nadir of lameness. I don’t even have the energy to deal with rape humor in Crankshaft or Rusty’s ass in Judge Parker, but I urge to check out the thoughtful comments on both on yesterday’s post.

Curtis, 10/24/07

Actual religious affiliation of past stars:

• Lucille Ball: One of inner circle of the first six Scientologists.
• John Wayne: Zoroastrian all the way, baby!
• Jerry Mathers: Early proponent of wicca. Felt the beaver was his “power animal.”

Herb and Jamaal, 10/24/07

I’ve tried before to distill Herb and Jamaal to its squishy, nonspecific essence, but today’s installment convinces me that I have more work to do. Here’s my best shot:

Herb (or Jamaal): “Hey, Jamaal (or Herb), something incredibly nonspecific that seems to vaguely relate to pop culture!”

Jamaal (or Herb): “Response that implies I know what you’re talking about even though that’s really not possible … stretched over two panels!”

Jamaal (or Herb) or Herb (or Jamaal): [Wry thought balloon.]

Then, of course, comes the butt sex.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 10/24/07

Philosophical question: Is “the urge” still “the urge” if it doesn’t contain the words “the urge”? Whichever way, there’s something delightfully unsettling about this one. “I have plenty of time to scream … NOW THAT I’VE KILLED THEM BOTH! MU HA HA HA!”