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Spider-Man, 2/9/13

HAVE NO FEAR, SAN FRANCISCO! Spider-Man has finally arrived to free you from the villainous Kingpin, and … wait, what’s that you say? You already have a superhero who’s come out from New York to protect you? One who didn’t hitchhike out like some hobo, and who probably did a little research to find out how you feel about certain nicknames? Huh. Hmm. Interesting.

Hi and Lois, 2/9/13

I admit that I hadn’t given a lot of thought to the question of who would have the planning and foresight to become the unquestioned warlord of Hi and Lois’s suburban cul-de-sac after society collapses in the Great Unravelling, but I guess Thirsty is as likely a candidate as any.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/9/13

Um … guys, present tense? He’s right over there and he can hear you talking, you ghouls

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Mark Trail, 1/7/13

SORRY EVERYBODY about not having kept you sufficiently up to date on the conclusion of the thrilling Caribbean (?) Ransom storyline in Mark Trail, but it turns out to have been disappointingly light on the comical violence. As one could have guessed, Otto decided to let Mark go without collecting the ransom money, seeing as Mark saved his life and all, but Otto’s henchmen weren’t so keen on this idea, which gave Mark the opportunity to show that a fishing line trumps a rifle literally every time the two come into conflict. And then Otto hands out a brutal beatdown with his cane, proving that just because he’s decided to be magnanimous to Mark doesn’t mean he’s going to stop ruling his island with deadly force. Did you save me from sharks, Juan? Did any of you other pathetic losers save me from sharks? No? Then you’ll keep your mouths shut and do as you’re told.

Archie, 1/7/13

There’s something cruelly hilarious about people in the audience of a high school concert, who were presumably well aware of the musical quality that they’d encounter with performers at that skill level, just getting up and walking out when one particularly terrible kid gets up on stage to perform himself. You’ll notice that Archie’s mom didn’t even bother going to see her son in the first place.

Apartment 3-G, 1/7/13

Yes, finally, Margo gets some of her mojo back. “There are lots of things I don’t tell my boyfriend about, Greg, and making out with other dudes is pretty high on the list.”

Hi and Lois, 1/7/13

Dot is supposed to be, what, seven? Eight? I’m just trying to figure out how long it takes kids to recognize their parents’ marriage as the shameful web of deceit that it is.

Funky Winkerbean, 1/7/13

In his first epistle to the Corinthians, St. Paul expresses hope that, after the Resurrection, we will understand each other and God better than we can now: “For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.” Crazy Harry seems to have interpreted this to mean that in heaven everyone just runs around naked all the time.

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Crock, 12/10/12

As if the poor colonized subjects of French North Africa don’t have enough to worry about, now they have to deal with an outbreak of sexually aggressive camels.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/10/12

Why should the men of Hootin’ Holler bother investing in machinery that will lift them out of a subsistence economy if their wives do all the manual labor?

Apartment 3-G, 12/10/12

Evan and Margo’s sexual banter is pretty much as gross as you’d expect.

Mary Worth, 12/10/12

“We always deceive ourselves twice about the people we love — first to their advantage, then to their disadvantage.” –Albert Camus

Hi and Lois, 12/10/12

THE DOG SYMBOLIZES THE DYING NEWSPAPER COMICS INDUSTRY, EVERYBODY