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Mary Worth, 4/30/20

Ha ha, well isn’t this … incredibly convenient, for everybody! Remember back a few months ago, when Hugo was going to leave town and Dawn was devastated, just devastated, and, after feigning nonchalance, Hugo ended up feeling just as strongly about her, running back from the airport to be with her and deciding to give a long-distance relationship a shot? Welp, it seems that all was based on a wild misunderstanding of their own emotions: turns out they were just horny, and now that they’ve found more convenient people to do sex on, they can cheerfully move forward with their separate lives, with no hard feelings or tough questions like “Hey, wait, if I hadn’t said anything, when were you planning on telling me about this chick in Paris?”

Hi and Lois, 4/30/20

Big news: thanks to advanced DNA analysis, police have arrested a suspect in the so-called Chomping Murders, and it’s Cookie Monster from Sesame Street. This is of course shocking to all his young fans, but the important thing is that this menace is now behind bars, and the families of the victims will begin to find closure.

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Panel from Slylock Fox, 4/26/20

So you’re one of the last humans on earth, and you’re trying to make the best of your sad, lonely existence in an animal-dominated world, but that doesn’t mean you can neglect your health. There are still dentists, though they cater to animals, mostly, like beavers, with their big cliched teeth. And you’re sitting in the waiting room, and you’re flipping through the magazines, and remember Cat Fancy? It was a funny name, which nobody really understood because “fancy” was actually an archaic use of the word — at one point in its etymological evolution it meant the equivalent of “fandom” — and in 2015, towards the end of human civilization on the planet, it briefly changed its name to Catster before going out of business altogether. You’re thinking about all this and looking at a magazine printed now, in the world run by animals, and it’s called Fancy Cat, and you guess it’s something like Town & Country used to be, a chronicle of the rich and famous and socially well connected, only for … cats? And then you think, why not neglect your health. Why not walk out of the dentist’s office, skip your appointment, grab the magazine, grab the purse that some idiot just left sitting out there, then go home and eat a slice of cake and drink a can of full-sugar soda. Who cares about tooth decay, you know? Nothing matters anymore. Nothing matters.

Hi and Lois, 4/26/20

THOU SHALT HAVE NO OTHER GODS BEFORE ME, TRIXIE

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Mary Worth, 4/21/20

OK, I’m sorry, I hereby declare Hugo a fake French geek boy. Sure, one minute he’s sneering at America’s finest Broadway offerings, but the next he’s shouting “Gosh! I’m looking at a very big city from very high up!” like a rube from the sticks, when he should be sneering about how the Eiffel Tower is infinitely more daring aesthetically than this bland, glass-plated contemporary monolith. Say what you will about Jared being a Star Wars-addled nerdlinger, but at least he fully commits to the bit.

Gasoline Alley, 4/21/20

Ah, a song specifically about how urban modernity is more attractive both culturally and economically to most people than agricultural life! This is a great choice for a campaign theme, just not for the reasons they think.

Hi and Lois, 4/21/20

Hey, have you been wondering how the Flagstons are doing financially this year? Well, it turns out: not great!