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Judge Parker, 11/23/16

Just so you know, Sam is going full-on Failure-To-Shave/Making-A-Bulletin-Board-Of-Clues Crazy over Sophie’s disappearance. And I assume the man he refuses to represent is Garrick Panini? Sam, Sam, Panini’s chock full of clues! This is your best chance to find out the truth! Pull apart his toasted outsides and look at the gooey, delicious information within, metaphorically!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 11/23/16

Having failed to successfully bag a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner, Snuffy and Lukey are just going to rob the general store at gunpoint.

Blondie, 11/23/16

Wow, Dagwood’s doing a lot of projection here. I think we all know who does and does not have a crypto-sexual fixation on food in this family.

The Lockhorns, 11/23/16

I know this isn’t the sort of thing I usually say, but … maybe The Lockhorns should dial back the existential despair? Maybe just a little.

Mark Trail, 11/23/16

Guys, the island in Mark Trail is still just straight-up exploding! I guess if you need to put more stuff on your list of things to be thankful for, “non-stop explosions in Mark Trail” is a good one to add near the top.

Mary Worth, 11/23/16

Very excited to get a close-up on these guys we first saw yesterday. I think we can say it definitively now: this is Mary Worth’s idea of what young people look like.

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Hi and Lois, 11/6/16

This is one of my weird comics fixations and maybe it’s a cultural blind spot for me, but: is there anywhere in suburban America, like where the Flagstons or the Bumsteads live, where people regularly let their dogs roam about, unfenced and unleashed and unsupervised, at night? I get that this is a thing that happens in rural areas, but Hi and Lois don’t live in a rural area. I get that this is a thing that happened in, like, the ’50s, maybe, but Hi and Lois don’t live there either. Is this just some ossified institutional memory thing, where Dawg has always wandered free at night, and Walker-Brown Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC doesn’t want to change the continuity now? Or have I somehow magically managed to live only in the parts of the country where keeping your dog indoors at night, or at least fenced in a yard, is the social norm? (For what it’s worth, in my current neighborhood there’s an extra incentive to do so, what with the roaming coyotes.)

Judge Parker, 11/6/16

In the aftermath of her extremely public humiliation, Neddy has done the only sensible thing: flee to Alaska with her hunky lover, refusing all communication with her shattered family! It would be a hilarious narrative shift if, after a few weeks of rapid plot developments under new writer Ces Marciuliano, we just spend the next six to eight months with Neddy sipping coffee, looking wistfully out over the permafrost, and not answering her phone.

Crankshaft, 11/6/16

Ahhh, Crankshaft in a nutshell: Ed loudly subjects a room full of people to his opinion, talking to nobody in particular and neither noticing nor caring that nobody’s talking back to him!

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Judge Parker, 10/27/16

Welp, we always knew the other shoe would drop eventually when the upstanding Parker family, which owns the local judgeship by feudal right, tied itself to a clan of notorious mercenaries and killers! Oh, sure, at first they tried to keep their in-laws in the dark about their illegal activities, but, know this: when your son marries a CIA (?) assassin, you will at some point be called upon to help fake her father’s death.

Mary Worth, 10/27/16

Speaking of trauma in the soaps, Mary, who’s life hasn’t changed in any meaningful way in fifty years, sure seems nervous hearing Wilbur’s tales of When Bad Things Happened Overseas! Considering all the dramatic carnage happening in other soaps, I wonder if Mary Worth is angling to join in on the fun? Santa Royale isn’t far from the San Andreas Fault, is what I’m saying, or from the Diablo Canyon nuclear power plant. It’d be a shame if the next Charterstone pool party were interrupted by a massive earthquake-tsunami, followed by a wave of radioactive debris falling from the sky — a real shame, I tell ya.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/27/16

As a paid-in-full member of America’s Elite™, June is always careful to respect trademark law, as intellectual property production is the backbone of our economy. Nobody’s going to be making unlicensed references to the lucrative franchises of The Walt Disney Company here! The characters from The Wizard of Oz, meanwhile, are firmly in the public domain and thus fair game.