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Panel from Slylock Fox, 7/29/12

I don’t even want to get into the sad, sick nature of Slylock and Cassandra’s relationship, in which she’s sexily guilty so long as Slylock can show that it’s not impossible for her to have committed a crime. I more want to point out three actual crimes happening in this panel right now: (1) that seagull is stealing Max’s hot dog (in a world where a fox can arrest a cat, surely he can also arrest a bird); (2) that stand is grotesquely overcharging for one-scoop ice cream cones at $5 a pop; and (3) Slylock thinks wearing a cape with no shirt is somehow an acceptable fashion choice, what the hell.

Panel from the Lockhorns, 7/29/12

The meaning of this Lockhorns panel is 100% opaque to me, and since Lockhorns panels are generally not subtle, I assume that there’s some bit of cultural ephemera that I’m not hip to that this is a reference to. Is there a popular show about an identity-stealing person with a shaved head, on the TV? Am I actually too square to get the pop culture references in the Lockhorns? Or is this just some weirdness about how … Leroy is bald and thinks people pretending to be bald are pretending to be him? No, still doesn’t make any sense. I like the way the bald guy is theatrically musing on his coffee options and pretending he can’t hear Leroy and Loretta’s insane mutterings, though.

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Lockhorns, 6/16/12

Congrats to Leroy on finding the most absolutely generic packages in the store! Let’s see, I’ll guess that the chips are in the bag, the peanuts are in the little flat box, the pretzels are in the long skinny box, and the beer is in the larger of the two cans? Because Leroy only bought one can of beer, maybe? Anyway, Loretta, don’t be so quick to judge, as we haven’t figured out what’s in the little can yet — it might be a single serving of milk.

Shoe, 6/16/12

I’m on the record as saying that Buzz, Shoe’s angry, confused elderly bird-man, is my favorite character in this strip, which is why I resent the fact that all the other bird-people have apparently abandoned him to just blather his nonsense in isolation. Couldn’t Roz at least put forth the effort of standing there nodding sullenly at his insane ramblings? He’s her most faithful, lowest tipping customer!

UPDATE: Apparently Biz’s name is actually Biz, rather than Buzz? I leave this up as is, as a mark of my shame at being unable to indentify cartoon birds!

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The Lockhorns, 6/4/12

I guess the “surprise” is supposed to be whatever the brownish glop on Leroy’s plate is, but since every Lockhorns meal involves earth-tone glop of some sort, and since Loretta hasn’t served herself anything, maybe something more momentous has happened. After all, despite endless decades of marital combat and mutual loathing, what could be more surprising than one partner in this hell-union finally announcing that he or she was leaving? It’s always seemed that they can’t imagine a life beyond their endless, claustrophobic war, and so if Loretta really is about to grab her bag and walk out forever, it would explain why Leroy is looking even more slumped over and crumple-faced that usual. After all these years, what will he do? Will he have the capacity to do anything other than stare at the brown glop for hours, as it congeals?

Spider-Man, 6/4/12

My experience with Broadway theaters is fairly limited, but they’re mostly older buildings and often surprisingly small and cramped. So, kudos to the owners of this theater for retrofitting it so well for handicap accessibility that Clown-9 can drive his duckhead-car (which isn’t exactly large but is still significantly bigger than, say, a Rascal mobility scooter) off the street, through the doors, and right up the aisle! Meanwhile, anti-kudos go to the artist of this strip, who apparently realized that they forgot to make Peter visible in panel two and decided “Enh, we’ll just put his face in a weird little circle thought-bubbling out of nowhere.”

Mark Trail, 6/4/12

You better watch yourself there, mister, because littering in America’s majestic wilderness and murder aren’t that far apart in Mark’s moral code! Note in panel one that Mark has a firm grip on his belt — it’s the only way he can stop himself from punching this guy a time or three right now.

Herb and Jamaal, 6/4/12

Looks like Herb’s mother-in-law has been spending some time with her favorite book, Incredibly Bland Aphorisms From History’s Insanest Philosophers.