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Hey, everybody, I’m back! And let’s get right into the horror, because when you think of the holidays around the end of the year, you think of sheer gut-wrenching terror. So, what was the most terrifying event that the newspaper comics industry belched out during my absence?

Panel from Judge Parker, 12/23/11

Was it when Randy’s language-generation unit started shorting out, producing a sentence that was almost but not quite something an English-speaking human would say?

Panel from Gil Thorp, 12/24/11

Was it when Gil stared at you with his meaty face and empty, soulless eyes, wishing you a Merry Christmas as a thousand tiny explosions twinkled behind him?

Panel from Mary Worth, 12/24/11

Was it when Mary Worth tried to make your head explode, with her mind?

Panel from Judge Parker, 12/25/11

Was it the moment that you realized that you were forbidden to even open your Christmas presents in the privacy of your own home until Sophie gave you permission?

Panel from Apartment 3-G, 12/26/11

Was it when Lu Ann started hearing Margo’s voice, even when Margo wasn’t present?

Panel from Beetle Bailey, 12/29/11

Was it when lovable Zero was revealed to be Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies?

Panel from Mark Trail, 1/1/12

Was it when we learned that the deformed child-thing known as “Rusty” was dimly aware that time passes outside the Lost Forest compound, and that humans traditionally make “resolutions” to mark the beginning of a new year? What sort of “resolutions” does the Rusty-creature “need” to make?

Dick Tracy, 12/24/11

Anyway, terrifying as all of those were, none of them could compare to the night when Dick Tracy and his wife desecrated the memory of the baby Jesus by engaging in Linus-Sally sex roleplay. Gross!

Panel from Apartment 3-G, 12/28/11

When Dan Diller scrawled “TOMMIE” on one of his old Allman Brothers 8-tracks and told her it was her new album, that was really more “pathetic” than “terrifying.”

And what does the new year have in store for us? More of Spider-Man dodging his responsibilities, I bet!

Spider-Man, 1/2/12

“I was about to tackle these hoods myself, until Thor came along! Hopefully someone will come along soon to take care of Thor for me?”

Anyway, I’m back on my usual routine tomorrow morning, promise. But, as threatened, I must use the beginning of the month to remind you of the existence of my various social networking shenanigans! If you want to keep up with my doings while you waste time on the Internets, feel free to follow me on:

• Twitter!
• Facebook!
• Tumblr!
• Google Plus!

I post more or less the same stuff to each of these, so if you should probably pick your favorite service and just follow me there rather than subscribing to all of them.

No new COTW until Friday, but still I must thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And we must give thanks to our advertisers:

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Crankshaft, 12/19/11

Reader of the twin Funkyverse strips are well acquainted with the heavy-lidded, soul-dead expression on the face of our young elf in panel two. Usually it’s just a sign that the character has been ground down by these strips’ omnipresent miasma of despair, but here I think it’s supposed to indicate that elf-girl too is part of the detached Facebook generation, as evidenced by the fact that she’s staring at her own phone rather than trying to drum up business with a little holiday showmanship. Her social analysis aside, though, I think it’s more likely that nobody is coming to see Santa because Crankshaft is an hateful jerk and no loving parent would let their children anywhere near him.

Mark Trail, 12/19/11

Somewhere back in the misty beginning of this plotline, Kelly declared that following the golden bible bird bands back to their source “would make a good story!” As it turns out, the gold came from a crappy played-out mine, only one or two bands were ever made, and Honey the Bear wasn’t even that good at fighting off wolves. The only vaguely interesting angle is that Mountie McQueen is allowed to remain a law enforcement officer despite his erratic behavior and hair-trigger temper. As our gang gathers around the table to enjoy something indeterminate and loaf-life, I think we all have to come up to terms with the fact that Kelly Welly’s journalistic instincts aren’t actually very keen.

Six Chix, 12/19/11

Yeah, so, long story short, Mrs. Claus is keeping tabs on your internet pornography habits.

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Marvin, 12/17/11

I have to admit that I’ve always been a little intrigued by the fact that dogs have amazing intraspecies size variations, and I’ve always kind of wondered what this means for their sex lives. I don’t really like being forced to confront the notion visually in the comics, though. Given the extent to which Junior’s new love interest towers over him, her studded leather collar and the black hearts floating over her head seem disturbingly significant.

Mark Trail, 12/17/11

Ha ha, Kelly, Honey the bear took you to the Parents McQueens’ underground bear-sex lair! This will make a good story for some magazine, though perhaps not the one Kelly intended to sell it to. She can explain what “gold mining” is a euphemism for.

Phantom, 12/17/11

Meanwhile, the Phantom is sending Ernesto’s wife into an epistemological crisis. “Believe nothing? Not even the evidence of my own senses?”