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The Lockhorns, 7/20/07

Normally, when the Lockhorns turns away from its wonderfully refined set of canonical jokes and attempts to inject an (almost always lame) reference to some aspect of contemporary pop culture, I’m strongly opposed. However, today’s gag has so many layers of perversion that I have to admit to being kind of charmed by it. I suppose it’s possible that Leroy simply sees adoption by a wealthy movie star as his ticket out of his failed marriage and soul-crushing job, and an opportunity to live in a huge mansion without having to work for it; it is a long shot, as Loretta notes, but he does appear to be about three feet tall, so maybe there’s a chance that he’ll be mistaken for a impoverished Belarusan orphan boy whose freakish, hairless appearance is a result of his parents living downwind from Chernobyl.

But since Angelina Jolie is generally summoned up in conventional discourse as a totemic sex goddess, and Leroy is sporting that crinkly smile that he usually gets when drunkenly flirting with statuesque blondes twice his height at parties, one has to assume there’s something more going on here. Does Leroy believe that Jolie’s “adoptions” are mere covers for her sexual appetites? Does he harbor some sort of infantilism fetish? More disturbing that the potential answers to either of these questions is the affectless way Loretta conveys this information to her dumbfounded friend. She’s so used to the bottomless well of numbness that is her marriage that it never occurs to her to leave or anything; the prospect that Leroy might take off for better prospects seems to fill her with neither joy nor despair. It’s just another thing that might happen.

Anyway, no other comics came close to this level of depraviy today, but a few tried.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/20/07

Dear God, please let “bedbugs” not be code for some intimate part of the human anatomy.

Mary Worth, 7/20/07

In a desperate attempt to avoid thinking about this dialog as anything other than a transparent but incredibly awkward lead-in to a proposition, I’m focusing on Dawn’s fork. Her tiny, tiny fork. Maybe she’s on a new diet plan that works on the theory that if you eat with miniscule utensils, you won’t be able to shovel as much food in your mouth. Dawn’s determined to look good naked when she “tries something new.” Damn it, that didn’t work.

Marmaduke, 7/20/07

He’s not so much “listening” as “figuring out the most efficient way to kill and eat you.” But whatever makes you feel better, lady.

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Blondie, 7/10/07

Ah, the dilemma for lady-lovin’ comics readers: if you want to see a Blondie love scene, you have to put up with Dagwood foreplay.

Curtis, 7/10/07

I’ve been deliberately ignoring the Curtis-Michelle drama, as is my wont, but: damn if I don’t want to see this “puppeteer” and his be-afro’d, freakily big-mouthed “puppet” as often as possible. As a regular character, he could replace Gunk, as far as I’m concerned. Or Barry.

Dick Tracy, 7/10/07

See, here’s a strip that’s still got a few tricks up its sleeve. I think we all expected that the “Grandfather” in the tradeoff would really be Dick Tracy in disguise. I don’t think any of us expected that he would peel said disguise off of his face, causing the still-lifelike features to stretch and melt like some kind of peyote-fueled nightmare.

Mark Trail, 7/10/07

OH MY GOD SHE HIT ME IN THE FACE WITH HER FACE

Marmaduke, 7/10/07

And pooping, right? Don’t forget about pooping. You forget about pooping at your own risk. I’ve seen your yard; it’s not that big.

Zits, 7/10/07

Holy crap, is Walt smoking a blunt on the back porch? YOU ARE MY NEW HERO, SIR!

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Crock, Dennis the Menace, and Blondie, 4/24/07

There are some days — like today, for instance — when the comics make a mockery of the very concept of “family entertainment.” In Crock, one half of the Foreign Legion detachment assigned to Guard Tube #5 blithely recounts a missive from home regarding his cousin’s new child bride, while his troopmate goggles in disgust at the the thought. Does the Legionnaire capable of decency speak out against this horror and risk alienating his only companion in the brutal desert? Or does he remain silent and thus complicit in this crime? Meanwhile, even if we ignore the more unsettling aspects of today’s Dennis the Menace, we should still note Mr. Wilson looks completely blasé, as he’s apparently wearily resigned to the fact that there is no place and no condition in his life that can not be violated by the demon child next door. Similarly, Dagwood only looks on in mute disbelief as his old nemesis the mailman places his feet on his genitals; Blondie certainly didn’t try to stop him, so he figures he doesn’t have the right to say no anymore.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/24/07

For those of you keeping score at home: Rex has been assigned to stall Hugh Avery so that Heather and Pete the chauffeur can get to the big board meeting and pull off whatever coup d’etat they’re going to pull off so as to seize control of Avery International. Meanwhile, today Hugh is ordering his unnamed second to stall the board meeting so that Hugh can get there in time to pull of his coup. In other words, there are currently rival attempts being set in motion to make sure nothing whatsoever happens in any way, shape, or form. And then of course there’s the thrilling cell phone reception subplot. In short, it’s pretty obvious that this week’s Rex Morgan, M.D., is an elaborate physics experiment designed to show that time can in fact be brought to a halt, and perhaps even reversed.

In an attempt to inject some kind of excitement into this thing, I keep meaning to mention that “Rex Morgan” is apparently the name of a gay porn star, which should come as a surprise to no one. Thanks to faithful reader Colleen for pointing this out in the comments. The picture accompanying his Wikipedia article indicates that he’s not as attractive as the good doctor, in my opinion.

Mark Trail, 4/24/07

Having taken care of the insurance fraudsters, Mark has moved onto his next big quest: eliminating labor unrest in the bird world. Subversive elements are fomenting a Red tide among our winged friends, and Mark’s on the case to make sure that the good old-fashioned American values of open labor markets aren’t destroyed by these feathered pinkos and their socialist ideas about “collective bargaining.” With desperate characters like the Avian Wobblies in charge, things could get a little rough, so Andy (who disturbingly appears to be melting in the first panel) has headed out into Lost Forest to fetch the bird Pinkertons to fight on the side of the American way.

Marmaduke, 4/24/07

After years of trying to figure out what object his owner Phil loves most, Marmaduke has settled on the perfect bait. Poor Phil is about thirty seconds away from being killed and eaten, and not necessarily in that order.