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Hello, everyone, I have returned to my comics mocking duties! Everyone who gave to the summer fundraiser will be getting a personal thank you note, but I want to send everyone a huge public thank-you now, and also send a huge thanks to the always amazing Uncle Lumpy (and his pal Turtle Carl) for filling in for me on the site!

Mary Worth, 9/7/21

Big Mary Worth news always seems to happen in my absence. In this case, it was Wilbur getting dumped, which was almost as emotionally violent as the big gangland shootout I missed back in 2009. As usual, I’m just left with the hilarious aftermath, which in this case is Wilbur “lamenting” his situation, if strutting angrily around the perfectly manicured Santa Royale grounds with clenched fists absolutely seething about how his girlfriend dumped him just because he was an asshole counts as a “lament.”

Dick Tracy, 9/7/21

In Dick Tracy, meanwhile, we have a couple new masked playing card themed villains to deal with, and frankly I think keeping their masks on while just hanging around their lair/office shooting the shit may be overcommitting to the bit somewhat, unless Diet Smith’s Time Drone really can spy on anyone, anywhere, in which case they’re the first people to catch on to the new reality where we’re all going to be wearing ski masks all the time now.

Marvin, 9/7/21

I had to go back to the strips from my vacation to make sure there wasn’t a Marvin plot where Jenny got pregnant or something, but no, there’s no real context for this strip, in which Jeff and Jenny are lying in bed staring at the ceiling in horror at the thought that another hell-child might someday join the hell-child they currently have. So I assume that we’re seeing the moment just after they almost gave into their lustful marital urges but resisted at the last minute because the prospect of creating a Marvin-sibling, despite what I assume are multiple medical interventions to prevent such an accursed outcome, once again snuffed their arousal out.

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Oh my gosh it’s the last day of the 2021 Comics Curmudgeon Summer Fundraiser! Hurry!

And remember, there’s no Comment of the Week on my watch—look for an extra helping from Josh next Friday.

Mary Worth, 9/3/21

Wilbur canonically has exactly four hairs in his combover, never one more nor fewer. But his rage over %$#@! cat Libby’s shocking disrespect has released a flood of hair-sprouting testosterone, and now he can’t get enough. As if caught in a terrible Jason Statham movie, he must now keep the rage alive, until at last he stands utterly alone but glorious in his ’80’s arena-rock hirsute majesty.

Gil Thorp, 9/3/21

That’s it? Gil Thorp‘s legendary reporter Marjie Ducey says “Oops, I wanna retire!” and in comes this usurper and that’s it? What am I supposed to do with my Marjie Ducey is Gil Thorp’s Side-Piece fanfic now, huh?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/3/21

Uh-oh, looks like Jordan Like the Country’s stolen valor confession was itself a cover story for some dark secret which, in the manner of comic-strip dark secrets, has come back to haunt him.

But tread lightly, Griff! You think you can just waltz back to fill your buddy’s humdrum life with drama and passion? Look into those steely eyes—he’s heavily invested in this tedium. And if he has to go all Jordan Like the Rogue State Whose Interests Do Not Align With Those of Major Powers, so be it!

Between Friends, 9/3/21

Of the three principals in Between Friends, Susan and Kim have concerns (about aging and financial security, respectively), but only Maeve here has conflict. She’s been maintaining an exhausting long-distance relationship with love-interest Steve because of her relentless careerism (and, to be fair, his). Last week, though, she decided to march right up to her boss and quit in the interests of True Love.

Ah well, character runs deep and so does whatever she‘s got. Perhaps Steve will find solace in the arms of Marjie Ducey down there in the sweet enveloping darkness of the memory hole.

Venmo—like Vendo, without the candy!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Funky Winkerbean, 8/28/21

“Wait, you don’t have cancer? And here I thought you were coming on to me, you little tease!”

Judge Parker, 8/28/21

A Christmas Reunion

April watched her sigh dissolve in the icy air. The blur of life on the run, the breakup, all led her back here, to Cavelton. Her Dad needed her: the family business was on the rocks. Just one more job, he said, for Abby. Good money, done by Christmas, then Mallorca.

She crossed the square past the carolers, careful to stay within sightlines from the bank roof. In position on the Courthouse steps, right on time. Distract the mayor, five seconds tops, then run with the crowd.

The doors opened to reveal … Randy? But not the cringing loser she had abandoned: this man strode confidently, head high— like a Judge. Shocked and excited, she glanced up and purred, “Hey, you.” “April? Is it really you?” he replied, taking her hands just as the bullet from Norton’s rifle tore through his lung. “Bastard!” April thought, “Mallorca, my ass!”

Kneeling beside Randy on the now empty steps, she heard him whisper, “This … this is where we belong … together!” They embraced for the last time, as the Christmas music swelled and snow began to fall.

Mary Worth, 8/28/21

Where duels were illegal, duellists often settled their scores on boundary-river sandbars of uncertain jurisdiction. This is the precedent for Wilbur and Libby duking it out in the litter box.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/28/21

The Morgans return to their roots—getting free stuff, and deciding which free stuff they prefer to the other free stuff they get.

Oh, hi! I’m sitting in through Monday, September 6, while Josh visits friends and family back East. Reach me at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net with any site or comment issues.

Be sure to alert me if you have trouble reading this in Josh’s new ultra-convenient newsletter format—I’m new to it, and different platforms/email clients treat html differently.

— Uncle Lumpy