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Archive: Mary Worth

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Probably just gonna be some garden-variety marital problems, but a guy can dream

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Spider-Man, 3/28/17

So MJ has to get Ronan, the Accuser, currently in suspended animation, to Albuquerque to use as a human Kree shield against the violent, nightmarish Shemp-bot. And she’s getting there the old fashioned way: using the free market! No “government handout” needed for this entrepreneurial gal! Yes, it’s completely believable that whatever cash she happens to have on hand is enough for her to buy a large commercial vehicle, which is presumably the driver’s main business asset, as well as pay for several hours of labor from both the driver and four day laborers. The system works!

Mary Worth, 3/28/17

Ooooh, I’m guessing this eager couple are about to have their lives meddled in — for the better — over the course of this cruise! What do you suppose their problem is? Maybe they’ve never actually seen a body of water larger than Lake Michigan, so they’ll immediately start panicing the moment they get on the open ocean! Or, since they seem to believe “Hoosiers” and “Cruisers” rhyme, maybe they aren’t really from Indiana or even native speakers of English, and Mary’s about to blow their sinister spy ring right open.

Dennis the Menace, 3/28/17

Call me a prude if you will, but I feel personally menaced by this open display of Mitchell-on-Mitchell sexuality. I DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT HENRY’S EROTIC BATHING FANTASIES, OR, WORSE, HIS EROTIC BATHING REALITES, OK? I DON’T. I DON’T.

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Sunday quickies

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Family Circus, 3/26/17

Big Daddy Keane’s defeated look as he slouches out to his car really makes this comic, in my opinion. “Ugh, my children … they’re disgusting! I’m certainly not going to touch them with my mouth! Just the image of them will haunt me all day!”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/26/17

I sincerely hope that young man with the spray can turns out to be the elusive Banksy. Lem will find that the notional value of his property will skyrocket, but he’ll be unable to sell the art because to maintain its integrity it must remain in situ, so mostly he’ll have to deal with higher property taxes and irritating hipster tourists.

Mary Worth, 3/26/17

Port Canaveral? OH MY GOD TOBY AND MARY ARE GOING TO GET SHOT INTO SPACE

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TOBY, YOU ONCE AGAIN IN DANGER, GIRL

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Mary Worth, 3/23/17

Ahhhhhh yes, when it comes to finding bargains online, Toby sure knows how to pick them! Like the time she couldn’t find some boring-ass documentary for Ian at the video store so she had the brainstorm of ordering it online from enormoushop.com but then she got phished and criminal Canadians misused her card, which had literally zero consequences for her, but she was wracked with anxiety that Ian would leave her for her e-commerce incompetence, but it turned out that he didn’t, even though he hadn’t been particularly impressed by the documentary in the first place. What I’m trying to say is that Toby and Mary are going to go down to the Santa Royale docks where the special “low-cost cruise” is supposed to dock, only to have their organs harvested by the Serbian mob.

Crock, 3/23/17

Little Otis: still hanging out with Wadsworth the vulture, I guess? Anyway, today they’re talking about going to the mall (a vulture mall???) so that the boy can start forming romantic/sexual attachments to female vultures. Normally I think that kids today are far too sheltered, but I’m beginning to think that Otis’s parents should be providing a little more supervision in his life.

Dennis the Menace, 3/23/17

Demonstrating that the pious, simple maxims we repeat to each other and our children aren’t really compatible with the messy complexity of the human experience: definitely one of the most menacing things you can do.