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Mary Worth, 10/13/08

Well, Toby Cameron’s Big Identity Theft Adventure, having been beaten to death with a bludgeon of love and understanding and openness, has finally gasped its last; today, without even the foreplay of a Charterstone Pool Party, we’re thrust rudely into our next storyline, which is: Mary and Jeff watch TV. Taste the thrills! Who do these people think they are, characters in Spider-Man?

Anyway, it’s hard to predict where a Mary Worth storyline is going to go based on its opening moments — who could have foreseen that an innocent lunch with Mary would have led Toby down the road to credit card fraud and shameful kilt-porn purchases? — but based on today’s strip I’m hoping that we’ll get back to my favorite theme in this strip, which is the humiliation of Dr. Jeff. “Frank Griffin? I haven’t seen him in ages, since that time I refused to let him get past second base! But that was before I realized that he was a famous person, on TV. Hmmm, if I make good time I could be at the skating competition in less than two hours … Jeff, don’t wait up, dear.”

Curtis, 10/13/08

Key questions about today’s Curtis:

• Why is Curtis, whose main interest in Christianity seems to be in the outrageousness of the hats worn by the ladies at the church he attends, so excited about a book of Old Testament lore?
• Why is Curtis, who is old enough to be a seething cauldron of lust-hormones, so excited about finding a children’s book?
• Could there possibly have been an even more awkward way to introduce the concept of Noah’s Ark into this conversation?
• What kind of pagan terrorist Lord of the Rings-based religion do they practice on Flyspeck Island, and why haven’t we clamped down on immigration from this breeding ground for un-American weirdos?
• Did Curtis’s ass sigh in the final panel? Seriously?

Spider-Man, 10/13/08

Yes, that’s right, Jonah — Maria, who is a successful and attractive television personality, can’t afford her own food, so obviously the only way she can avoid starvation is to accept dinner invitations from irritating blowhards with terrible haircuts and Hitler mustaches. And of course, if you’re so desperately famished that what you want is a free meal with which you can gorge yourself as quickly as possible, what you’re going to order is the lobster.

The sad thing is that this is by far the most interesting of the current Spider-Man storylines.

Blondie, 10/13/08

This wouldn’t be such a big deal if not for the fact that this is the only outfit that Dagwood owns.

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Mary Worth, 10/9/08

“Yes, Toby, a, er, colleague! His name is Owen … Owen, er, Blameron. Professor Blameron confided in me that he received an e-mail that offered a surprisingly low price on a number of delectable videos, such as ‘Sexy Scottish Lassies,’ ‘Sorority Girls Can’t Resist An English Prof,’ ‘Younger Woman, Chinbearded Lover’ … well! You get the picture! This Blameron fellow could hardly be expected to resist such an offer, could he? But when the charges that appeared on his card were much higher than advertised, and then the videos never did arrive, I — er, he, I mean, he — eventually came to the conclusion that he’d been had. Sadly, the man was too embarrassed to admit what had happened to his credit card company, and when his credit rating tanked, the only mortgage he was able to afford, despite his respectable position at the top-ranked second-tier school in the University of California system, was on a pathetic one-bedroom apartment in a aesthetically blighted post-war condo complex where fun and joy go to die … where was I? Oh, yes, don’t worry about your little identity theft thing, happens to the best of us. Um, I’ve heard, from my colleague, I should say.”

Archie, 10/9/08

Ha ha, Jughead’s hunger for free hamburgers is so intense that the promise of them grants him superpowers! But Archie had better hope that said powers are only temporary, because when Jughead finds out that there are not, in fact, free burgers on offer, he’s likely to come back to the pool and crack Archie’s skull open like a walnut.

Funky Winkerbean, 10/8/08

Today’s Funky Winkerbean features two creepy middle-aged men talking about buying and selling teenage girls! It’s there to make you say, “Hey, how about another cancer storyline? That would be significantly less disturbing.”

In other news, today’s Medium Large has a special treat for Pluggers fans.

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Mary Worth, 10/5/08

If I had to Scotch^® tape an episode of Mary Worth to the side of Voyager XLIV or whatever the hell number they’re up to now, it would be this classic: blue-and-yellow drama lighting, hand-jivin’ histrionics, a “happier times” bedstand photo and the lonely, lonely park bench Toby fears will be her future home. Added bonus: no Mary! Why inflict her on the stars, and risk their terrible retribution?

Ian’s fury, of course, is less about trust than the unconscionable $1.09 charge from Pretty Purposes. It’s tempting to suspect Toby’s dream of duplicity equal to Ian’s — a message from her subconscious to get out now! But since Toby never listens to her conscious, what chance could its downstairs neighbor have?

Panel from Judge Parker, 10/5/08

Ha ha ha! Wait, we missed that?

Panel from Pardon My Planet, 10/5/08

You know, you two never smile any more, and your looks are starting to go. It’s pretty obvious blow has taken over your lives, and it’s time for an intervention. I know a lady.

Panel from Funky Winkerbean, 10/5/08

I think we’re in for a week of “Everybody Loves the Dead Chick.”

Here’s an exercise: We’ve had phishing in Mary Worth, hospice care in Rex Morgan, M.D., illiteracy in Crankshaft, pet adoption in Mutts, and of course — interminably — “Cancer is Bad” in Funky Winkerbean. I’m sure I’ve forgotten scores of others, but what new Public Service Announcement opportunities are out there for a comic strip that wants to Make a Difference rather than Entertain its Readers? Shoe cautions us about the dangers of H5N1* Bird Flu? Sherman’s Lagoon demonstrates best practices for water safety? Get Fuzzy portrays Bucky’s valiant struggle with rabies?

* Corrected from HN51 — thank you faithful reader Victor, and damn you, Google — damn you straight to hell!

Panel from Mark Trail, 10/5/08

But why go out on such a sour note? Look! It’s a skink!

Josh will be back tomorrow with COTW — and maybe tales of his Hot Blogger calendar photo shoot in NYC?

Thanks everybody for a fun week!

— Uncle Lumpy