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My Cage, 2/16/09

So, here’s the thing: I got laid off from my last office job nearly nine years ago, started doing freelance editorial work to earn money until I got a new job, realized I could make a living doing freelance editorial work, and have worked at home ever since. This has dovetailed nicely with two key aspects of my personality, namely that I am (a) kind of a misanthropic shut-in and (b) kind of a slob. Why on earth would I want to earn money by shaving and showering and leaving the house, when I’d just have to interact with other humans when I got there? My wife pointed out a newspaper article to me recently about these nice people in Baltimore, who look like they have a great, fun community for freelancers that encourages collaboration and innovation and you would have force me at gunpoint to start going there to work.

But one thing I do have is some nice ties, and some fun shirts that I like and that would totally work as business casual when the weather’s nice. And yet I never get to wear the ties, except at weddings (and virtually all of our friends are married off now) and I don’t wear the shirts often enough, because, you know, if I’m just going to sit in my home office, wouldn’t it more appropriate to wear pajama pants and a ratty t-shirt I got from a trade show ten years ago?

This is just a roundabout way of saying that I kind of relate to Bridget and Norm here. If, by some catastrophe, I had to start leaving the house to earn my keep, the one thing that would stave off utter despair would be the idea of getting to wear some nice clothes once in a while. And even that would only last for a year, tops.

Mary Worth, 2/16/09

We’ve been denied the joys of a Chaterstone Pool Party the last several times Mary Worth plots have shifted gears, but at least we’ll get to spend the next who knows how long enjoying that terrific MW mainstay: The Incredibly Awkward Dinner! Nation’s Geography Magazine sounds like it’s an attempt to almost but not quite earn an angry lawsuit from the National Geographic Society, but I prefer to believe that it’s a more edgy publication that presents the sort of stories that the fuddy-duddies over at National Geographic would be too scared to run. “That’s right, Mary — I’ve seen some things you wouldn’t believe! I spent nine months with the Shining Path in the Peruvian jungle, where we lived in the ruins of Incan cities and tortured class enemies for their crimes against the proletariat. As for the year I spent in Bucharest with those child prostitutes — well, let’s just say I did some things I’m not proud of, but my editors understood my commitment to total immersion journalism.” Dr. Jeff, disgruntled that someone else is attempting to be the center of conversation, clumsily interrupts by boasting of his time in Southeast Asia; presumably Ted will respond with a charming series of anecdotes about burned villages and necklaces made of human ears.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/16/09

Rex spent most of Sunday insisting that June avoid the ship’s tap water due to the Norwalk outbreak raging onboard; apparently, though, the rest of the passengers are to be kept in the dark about this, which is probably OK as none of them are drinking water anyway. Still, I look forward to future installments in which Rex makes sure that his family gets first dibs on medicine and lifeboat space.

Spider-Man, 2/16/09

I’m no expert on the Spider-Man mythos, but my understanding is that when Aunt May is in trouble and wondering where Peter is as in panel three, he’s usually off fighting crime in his superhero persona, and not transparently using a disaster as an opportunity to get laid.

Judge Parker, 2/16/09

“There will only be one Judge Parker, dad! Because now, in accordance with ancient judicial tradition, I must ritually bludgeon you to death with your gavel, and then marry my own stepmother. Thanks for picking a second wife who’s more or less my age!”

Marmaduke, 2/16/09

You know, sometimes I think I’m done with “Marmaduke is a terrifying flesh-eating monster” jokes. But then I see panels like this.

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My Cage, 9/4/08, and New Adventures of Queen Victoria, 9/3/08

I never claimed to be some kind of paragon of integrity or anything, so, here you go, comics artists: if you mention me by name in your strip, I will acknowledge it in my blog, because I’m a whore like that, though sometimes I’ll be a day late. This is the New Adventures of Queen Victoria, a pleasingly wacky vaguely-historically-themed public-domain-clip-art-based strip that is on the GoComics site (and maybe in newspapers?). It’s usually not as meta as this installment, though you know I love meta. It’s far enough away from the traditional daily strips that I mock here to get regular attention, but I did finally pop it into my RSS reader. Take a look, won’t you?

Speaking of meta, the characters in My Cage are coming perilously close to recognizing their own fictional nature. Hopefully it’s not my site serving as the locus of their eternal torment when the Cartoonists turn their back on them.

Family Circus, 9/4/08

Speaking of those rejected by their Creator, we have Jeffy desperately trying to get the attention of the benevolent God that he still believes to exist, despite the evidence of his own torment. It doesn’t matter how loud you shout, Jeffy! You’re always going to have to debase yourself with awful puns and wear the hideous purple union suit, because that is His inscrutable plan.

Apartment 3-G, 9/4/08

And speaking of whores, Apartment 3-G continues its policy of darkly hinting at the lows to which drug abuse can bring you without actually spelling anything out. “Time to get out there and make some money … at my job as a middle manager in the accounts receivable department of a mid-sized corporation! Oh, there’s no level of depravity I won’t stoop to so I can get some more of that sweet, sweet dope!”

Herb and Jamaal, 9/4/08

You’ve probably missed it what with all the nonspecificity rampant in this strip, but the place where Herb and Jamaal crack vaguely wise with one another each day is a soul food restaurant that they own and operate together. Thus, the fact that Herb has dragged his ennui-inducing diet lunch to the restaurant to eat ought to tell you something about the stuff that our dynamic duo serve to their customers. “I mean, a carrot and juice is pretty bland, but God knows I’m not eating the horror that we cook here. I’d be dead of colon cancer within the week.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/4/08

A casual observer might think that Rex and June are gently mocking Lenore in this exchange, but longtime RMMD readers know that they’re actually seeing who can inflict the most passive-aggressive wound on the other here. June taunting Rex with the prospect of sex with a woman, Rex boasting of his future “cabin boy” antics … good times. I have no idea what Rex’s plan for that thing in his right hand in the third panel is, and I’m not sure I want to know. The best we can hope for is that he’s going to stab himself in the throat to end his misery.

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Slylock Fox and My Cage, 12/17/07

Ye cats! It’s a sexy feline trans-comic crossover scenario! I’m ashamed to admit that I hadn’t yet added My Cage to my Chron custom page, mostly because rebuilding a page with 70+ strips is a pain in the ass. But I’ve liked what I’ve seen of it, and its writer, Ed Power, is a faithful reader, so Cassandra’s glamorous appearance in the strip’s humdrum office setting has finally gotten me off my butt to do so.

Norm will pay for dismissing Cassandra based on her appearance, though. She’s 100 percent qualified — to steal the hell out of all your crap, buddy.

Meanwhile, with Cassandra off running some kind of white-collar long con, her cousin Carla is picking up her slack, theft-wise. I find it kind of endearing that Carla is wearing a cat-burglar suit despite being an actual cat. And today’s Slylock actually teaches a valuable lesson, namely: DON’T EVER TRUST CATS.

Mark Trail, 12/17/07

Everyone knows that Mark Trail has incredibly powerful fist and an inability to feel distracting human emotions; but you may not know that he also boasts a supernaturally discerning palette. Some years back, he proved his ability to identify illegal narcotics by taste, always a useful skill when you get involved in high-stakes adventure as Mark is wont to do. Today, however, as we watch him gobbling up the soggy, week-old off-brand cigar butts that Andy is faithfully digging up for him, I’m beginning to worry about the guy a little bit.

Family Circus, 12/18/07

Dad bellows Charles Dickens to nobody in particular. The kids stare around dumbly, then smile in a greedy, Pavlovian response to a stray phrase that sounds like something they want. Enjoy this Christmas card straight from the heart of lunacy.

Gil Thorp, 12/17/07

YES! YES! After weeks of waiting, Milford is finally unleashing its nutty Wing-T offense!

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Wow, so it turns out that confusing and badly-drawn football action in a comic strip is actually kind of boring.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 12/17/07

Yet another Comics Curmudgeon idea in TDIET! This one comes from eco-minded faithful reader Dave, who I urge everyone to refer to as “Gus Greenearth” from now on.

I love the way little Junior almost forgets his line in the first panel. “Uh … [damn it, I know it’s one of the classic TDIET catchphrases] … oh, yeah!” Also, bonus Scaduto-ism: “sooper-market.”