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Mary Worth, 5/23/12

ROMANCE TIP: If you accidentally run into girl you just dumped over e-mail while grocery shopping with the girl you dumped her for, be sure to keep a death grip on girl number two, to ensure that you appear to girl number one as a walking Facebook profile picture of radiant happiness. To twist the knife further, be sure to tell girl number one that she “looks good” while basically shoving the much better looking girl number two in her face. At least, I’m assuming that Paula is supposed to be better looking than Dawn? This is Mary Worth, where everyone is hideously ugly, but Dawn is looking especially like a big-headed alien wearing a terrible wig, so probably that’s a good bet.

Funky Winkerbean, 5/23/12

“The compromise you proposed — that same-sex couples be allowed to attend the prom, so long as their faces and identities remain hidden behind the battlements of this Castle of Gayness — was really visionary. I’d love to show the pictures to my future children, if we were allowed to be photographed!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/23/12

Remember, kids, with tiny bottles of liquor from your mini-bar, you can turn anyplace into your personal Tranquility Room!

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/19/12

Uh-oh, in her sad and futile attempt to finally get ahead of Rex in their ongoing dickishness contest, June has gone a little off-script when it comes to her more immediate task, namely keeping Iris off the sauce. “Hey, Iris, you sure look pretty in that funeral dress! Good thing, too, since you need to wear it all the time, seeing as everyone you ever loved keeps dying. It doesn’t show off your rack to the same advantage that mine does, of course, but then what would, right?”

Spider-Man, 5/19/12

Thanks, Newspaper Spider-Man, for neatly encapsulating your narrative philosophy for new readers. “I don’t need any amazing, exciting powers beyond those of ordinary humans to dislike that creep! Sullen, baseless jealousy will be the engine of this plot, not a superheroic battle to save mankind!”

Pluggers, 5/19/12

An archaic, failing bureaucracy is pretty much the only thing tethering pluggers to the mainstream of human society, and once that tether snaps, things are gonna get real depressing real quick.

Mary Worth, 5/19/12

The sad thing about the awkward, violent gesture in panel one is that Wilbur thinks it’s a hug.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/17/12

“Never mind June being left at home to manage a sexy, charismatic, half-naked drunk lady,” you’re saying to yourself. “This strip needs to focus on its core strengths. Has Rex been a dick about anything lately?” Well, good of you to ask! You might recall that, right after the sadly departed Foster changed his will leaving everything (including $25,000 nobody knew he had) to Rex, he (supposedly) fell down the stairs while under the supervision of (estranged? ex-?) wife Mabel, who was not wise to this sudden will-change. There’s a couple of strange things going on here, and guess which one has been exercising Rex’s mind more? “You’re not implying that Mabel had anything to do with it!? Because if the police decide that she did, that might slow down the implementation of the directives in his will, and obviously nobody wants that!”

Apartment 3-G, 5/17/12

“Do you understand? I killed her!! And once I tasted blood, I couldn’t stop! My mother was the first of my many victims. And now I fear that my baby will start the cycle anew … with me. You have to help me maintain my position as Satan’s High Priestess of Death!”

Ziggy, 5/17/12

Congratulations, Ziggy: You have baffled me. The only scenarios I can wring out of this that make any sense at all are “Ziggy lives in a dystopian future when all forms of life other than people have been wiped out, and it makes him said to see the biodiverse glory that once was” or “Ziggy is watching a show about evolution and is the last survivor of a short, gnomish species of nonhuman primates.”

Crankshaft, 5/17/12

I’ve spent most of my life avoiding golf and golf courses at all costs, so I’m not really familiar with the social mores that prevail in those contexts. Is the sort of angry mob justice that’s looming in panel two typical, or is it just a strong but justified reaction to Crankshaft’s behavior and/or personality?