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Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/31/09

“Good lord, June,” you may be thinking, “Why do you hound Rex so?” Look at the broken man before you in panel one, having been totally browbeaten into joining some kind of foolish search all over this drifting, barely-crewed ship for a probably non-existent child. Surely June isn’t doing it because she cares about little lost children or anything, or because she wants to assuage her own child’s fears, since that would require a degree of empathy that we know she lacks. No, panel three tells the story: it’s only after she completely breaks Rex’s will over some unrelated matter that he will agree to lie there and submit to her advances. June’s getting lucky, for certain extremely depressing definitions of “lucky.”

Hi and Lois, 1/31/09

The Flagston family’s turn to cannibalism will be swift and, from the reader’s perspective, gratifying.

Marvin, 1/31/09

Marvin’s family’s turn to cannibalism will be swift, even more pointless than the Flagstons’, and, from the reader’s perspective, extremely gratifying.

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Dick Tracy, 1/28/09

I spent longer than I care to recount staring at the final panel of this cartoon, trying to figure out what Dick was getting at. Was there some other way to pronounce “perfume” that would cause this apparent play on words to make some sort of sense? “Especially because you’re making perfume for my wife. Or is it per-foom-ay? Just like your house went a-boom-ay? Wait, no, hold on a second…” Eventually, I figured out that the final word panel should be read as “Or is it perfume?” I don’t want to single out Dick Tracy, because Random Bolding Syndrome is an affliction that strikes virtually every comic ever created, though some more than others (*cough* Mark Trail *cough*). Here’s a helpful tip for comics artists: try reading your dialogue aloud, adding emphasis, before committing it to word balloons, OK?

I did not, however, have to think very long to figure out what Dick was getting at with “Just want to know you better” in the first panel; obviously it involves electrodes, sensitive body parts, pleas for mercy, etc.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/28/09

I can’t even begin to tell you how unsettled I am by panel two Rex, with his pursed, fleshy lips and suddenly beady and lizard-like eyes. Maybe he’s trying to cut his usual condescending tone to his wife by feigning a sympathetic and concerned facial expression, but he has no real idea what that would look like, so he’s just flexing his face muscles at random and hoping for the best. Meanwhile, in panel three, Rex and June look less like they’re discussing the abstract possibility of some little boy they don’t know being lost, and more like they’ve been given some terrible, devastating piece of personal news, like “Little Sarah didn’t get into that elite pre-school because they found her uncanny and creepy” or “Honcho Magazine no longer has home delivery.”

Crankshaft, 1/28/09

It’s good to know that the ’Shaft occasionally feels a frisson of remorse for his many monstrous crimes.

Apartment 3-G, 1/28/09

“Love! Happiness! The giddiness of a new relationship! I … I … does not compute! Should I just slit her throat now and make a run for it?”

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Apartment 3-G, 1/26/09

While a small but tragic percentage of people who say (or thought-balloon) things like “Who is this friendly, cheerful woman and what has she done with the real Nora Mills??” suffer from a form of mental illness, most people are speaking figuratively. “Ha, obviously this person is in fact Nora Mills, but she is acting in a way so at variance with her normal behavior, it’s as if she’s a different person! Which I know isn’t really true! I’m not coked up and paranoid, not me! Steady, Margo, steady…”

But Margo’s speculation may in fact be neither delusion nor elaborate metaphor. Because this Nora Mills has a short and kicky haircut, while the one we met earlier had shoulder-length locks with a Marilyn Quayle flip. Now, normally that would just be an indication that Nora decided on a new hairstyle, but in Apartment 3-G-world, hairstyles are the only way to distinguish between people of the same age and gender. (I was going to add “ethnic group” to that list, but then I realized, ha ha.) Thus, it is actually quite likely that this is an entirely different Nora Mills, possibly because Margo doesn’t realize that the first Google hit on a relatively common name isn’t necessarily the person you’re looking for.

Rex Morgan, M.D, 1/26/09

Oh, June! If you think you’re going to extract some kind of refund from a bankrupt corporation, let me sit down with you and explain the term “secured creditor.” Still, you’re also gamely attempting to seduce your husband by showing some leg, so I guess hope springs eternal.

Dick Tracy, 1/26/09

Like the rest of us, Dick has clearly become bored with this perfume storyline and has put on his cat-burglar suit for a little breaking and entry. Whether he’s doing so as part of a secret government operation, in league with a rogue group of law enforcement officers with their own agenda, or just because he wants to steal some stuff, it’s sure to be more interesting than the marketing of “Love Fire.”

Marmaduke, 1/26/09

“And yet he’s not here! Maybe this slavering hell-hound with what looks to be blood all over his teeth has something to do with that.”