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If you spend your free time shoehorning innuendo into perfectly innocent Rex Morgan, M.D., dialogue, do you end up an emotional cripple who reacts to everything in the world at the emotional level of an eleven-year-old? Based on the junior-high-esque giggle fit into which I was sent by the flyer below, which I found tucked into my mail slot this morning, I’d have to say that the answer is “yes.” (I added the circles for emphasis.)

Anyway, I felt I had to share this with all of you, since you’re the only ones who’d understand. Most people, I’d just show it to them and they’d say, “I don’t understand. You don’t even have a garage.” And then I’d laugh some more.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/25/07

“God damn it, June, I thought we’d been through this already! You’re the one who goes for teenage boys! I like charming, distinguished-looking men in their forties!”

You know you’re a smooth operating criminal desperado when you plaster your name all over your car’s license plates. I am so hoping that Officer Brushcut and his partner manage to take down Elvis, and possibly Eight Ball (whose vanity plate presumably reads “8BALL”), in an exciting gunfight that takes place entirely offstage, while we get treated to Rex trying to decide what kind of ice cream to have for dessert.

Mary Worth, 2/25/07

You will see few things in this life more terrifying that Mary Worth’s eyes in the first panel here. It’s as if she suddenly panicked about trying to sneak her huge stash of Southeast Asian narcotics through customs, so she just swallowed it before she got on the plane in Hanoi, and it’s finally kicking in. I’m assuming Jeff did the same thing, since he’s wide awake and smiling one moment and completely unconscious the next.

As for panel seven, I can’t say it better than faithful reader and longtime Mary Worth hater MossMoses did in a comment on a previous thread: “NEWS FLASH: MARY WORTH ADMITS SHE’S SELFISH, DETAILS AT 11:00.”

Blondie, 2/25/07

Right up until that last panel, I was pretty sure that this was the build-up to the most awkward wife-swapping session ever.

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Ziggy, 2/22/07

Oh, man! Zing! Who else but Ziggy would dare to make this sort of cutting, politically-charged joke about the Savings and Loan scandal? And only twenty years after the last of the fallout ended, too! Pow! Preach on, brother! Somewhere, Neil Bush’s ears are burning! And this time, it’s not something he caught from a Thai prostitute.

Mark Trail, 2/22/07

“That’s right! Mark will be none the wiser about the fact that I peed in his lake! I’ll be sipping piña coladas on a weirdly nonspecific tropical island before you know it!”

Seriously, I don’t know what’s more stilted and artificial: that Dan is narrating his evil plotting aloud, or that Dan is narrating his evil plotting aloud in a weird, circumlocutory way that preserves suspense about what exactly his evil plot is. On the other hand, maybe the whole point of this exercise has been to get that sexy second panel drawing of him shirtless, dripping wet, and perfectly coifed out there. If so, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, baby.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/22/07

“Yes, let’s go take a look … at my vagina!”

…

OK, I think I’ve gone about as far with this as I can.