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Beetle Bailey, 3/9/14

Today’s strip is a harrowing tale of what happens to a character stuck for more than 60 years in the highly structured and repetitive world of a peacetime military base/a comic strip. Offered the opportunity to spend some unstructured time without his commanding officer, there’s literally only one concrete idea Beetle can come up with: see how many chocolate milkshakes he can ingest. Panel five, in which he bumps up against the limits both of his stomach volume and his imagination, is one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen.

Crankshaft, 3/9/14

Nobody likes Crankshaft or his family, for obvious reasons. Though they still get invited to social functions out of obligation, their hosts generally go out of their way to let them know how unwelcome they actually are.

Six Chix, 3/9/14

Here is today’s Six Chix! It’s about snowman cock.

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Six Chix, 3/2/14

Haha, no, don’t worry, storks aren’t really going to be replaced by drones any time soon! Just like the story of storks delivering babies is a metaphor, so too is this image of remote-controlled machines carrying infants about! The stork, which, like all birds, is a creepy, weird creature covered with gross feathers and scaly skin, is a metaphor for the usual biological process of human reproduction, which is a fairly disgusting procedure involving awkward positions, icky fluids getting everywhere, and problematic emotional entanglements. The drones represent the bright future, when our next generation will be grown in clean, efficiently engineered machines, tended by expert technicians. When they reach term, the babies will be lifted out of their germination vats by autonomous drones, which will deliver them to the lucky parental units assigned to them. So, yes, I guess that part isn’t really a metaphor.

Rex Morgan, M.D. 3/2/14

Say, did you forget that back in December li’l Sarah caught her babysitter Kelly doing sex stuff on the Morgans’ couch with her boyfriend, and Sarah used it as leverage to get a cookie, and also anything else she wants? Well, Sarah didn’t forget. Sarah never forgets.

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Gasoline Alley, 2/28/14

Who knew that even with the Tommy’s triumphant return to Mary Worth it’d be Gasoline Alley that would have me riveted? I will keep bringing you reports of this formerly peaceful town’s descent into an awful bloodbath. Today the representatives of the media, ostensibly there to report on the carnage, turn on each other as society’s rules break down and the battle between print and broadcast news outlets is suddenly very much no longer metaphorical.

Six Chix, 2/28/14

It’s true: our privacy and autonomy under siege. Our own governments snoop on our communications incessantly; for white-collar workers who spend all day at their computers, their own employers are a more immediate threat, since all corporate emails and IMs are carefully monitored. Thus, our spooked office crowd has fallen back to the most primitive method of exchanging information: whispering to one another. THERE I TRIED TO MAKE SENSE OF THIS CARTOON I REALLY TRIED NOW I’M TIRED GONNA GO LIE DOWN FOR A WHILE