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Hagar the Horrible, 11/10/16

Well, it looks like someone at Hagar the Horrible likes to stoke my fascination with where the Hagarverse falls on the timeline of the Christianization of Scandinavia. Fun fact: the ritual slaughter of horses and eating of horsemeat was deeply ingrained into Germanic pagan ritual, so much so that the Vatican banned the practice in the 8th century as a means to promote Christianity; this is the origin of the modern-day Western taboo on eating horse. Anyway, Helga and the waiter look appalled by Hagar’s discovery, but Hagar himself is more quizzical than anything else. Maybe he’s cautiously feeling out the possibility that this restaurant is a secret hideout for crypto-pagans — and he’s interested in joining them in returning to the Old Ways, where you celebrated blót to gain fertility and good health, and then got to eat some tasty horse.

Shoe, 11/10/16

I love the weird, fossilized cultural nuggets and attitudes you can find embedded in the structural material used to build comic strip punchlines. How ancient is the use of “Wayne Newton” as a signifier for “very bad music,” do you think? Honestly, I would’ve gone with “Justin Bieber,” which is still a solid five years out of date but might tickle the irritation that the old people who read comic strips harbor for anything that’s happened in pop culture since they turned 45.

Meanwhile, I want a lot more information about these two condemned criminals, the Falcon and Guzzwanker. “Guzzwanker and the Falcon” has a better ring to it in my opinion, but maybe they aren’t a criminal duo but just happen to be scheduled for execution on the same day. Guzzwanker is a mild-mannered accountant who, if he hadn’t slipped up and left fingerprints on the murder weapon, nobody would’ve suspected of killing his parents to speed his inheritance. The Falcon, meanwhile, is a notorious international terrorist, and also an actual falcon.

Spider-Man, 11/10/16

“Maybe we’ll never get you convicted for murder, Starr … [one panel of dialogue that distracts you from how this sentence started] … and all four of us heard you confess to murder, so we will definitely get you convicted for it!” God, I hope that camera is still recording. The whole world needs concrete evidence of what dipshits these guys are! And, uh, evidence that Egghead is a murderer, I guess.

Mark Trail, 11/10/16

Ahhh yes, the helicopter explosion will be continuing indefinitely, just as I requested. That’s the stuff we need in these troubled times. That’s the stuff.

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Crankshaft, 11/9/16

I think I speak for all Americans when I say I’m glad this election is over with! Now we can get back to normal, everyday life: instead of having to listen to Crankshaft rant about how all politicians are criminals, we get to listen to him rant about how women these days all dress like whores.

Mary Worth, 11/9/16

Because I’m a monster, the first thing I thought of after reading Wilbur saying “We could explore the world together” is that would be funny if he followed it up with “…you know, sexually.” Because I hate myself, I then thought, “Are there other Wilbur quotes that would be equally funny ending with ‘…you know, sexually’?” And because I’m dedicated to bringing the real truth about the comics pages to you, I went through my archives to test my hypothesis:

• “I don’t want to live life painted into a corner … you know, sexually.”
• “My interview subjects were very gracious … you know, sexually.”
• “Sorry. Didn’t mean to startle you … you know, sexually.”
• “We’re back to the scene of the crime … you know, sexually.”
• “I shouldn’t be alive … but I am! … you know, sexually.”

Yup, it checks out!

Mark Trail, 11/9/16

Wait, are we just going to watch this helicopter explode over and over again, from different angles, while Cal looks on in horror? Because I wouldn’t be opposed to that, exactly.

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Mark Trail, 11/8/16

Hey, remember how Mark got a couple of boats blown up while he was on the job, and then his boss wouldn’t let him rent boats anymore, so he rented a helicopter instead? Well, I’m not sure if I’m exactly following the action here, but it looks like a fireball from the the volcanic, ant-infested island where Mark and Abbey are trapped just landed directly onto Cal’s helicopter. Will Woods and Wildlife’s insurance policy be required to cover this accident? That all might depend on whether Cal’s able to testify in the court case, since I can’t really tell whether he died a horrible but swift death, or will have to live for years haunted by the sight of his beloved helicopter reduced to a mass of twisted, flaming metal before his very eyes.

Spider-Man, 11/8/16

Haha, it’s true, these guys are simpletons, and they can’t prove anything, unless Hank Pym has a voice-activated tape recorder in the same pocket as his enlarging spray! You know how superheroes are always leaving villains tied up for cops to find, but then end up fighting those same villains again a few months later? Well, the reasons for that are starting to become clear.

Funky Winkerbean, 11/8/16

Heh heh, these two old flames are rekindling their love in their golden years. Frankie’s sinister plan is going exactly … as … he … intended.