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Gil Thorp, 4/12/16

Welp, this year’s long and fairly dull basketball season is now over in Gil Thorp, which means we’ve moved on to … baseball/softball season! And after a single day of red-hot spring training action, watching teenagers run out grounders while their bored coaches shout “good hustle” in their general direction, we now jump to Central City, where an avuncular gentleman wants to get amiably blotto after a hard day working the phones to keep his big triethylene glycol buyers happy. Would I be pleased if we just followed this guy around for the next six to eight weeks and didn’t spend any time with high school jocks at all? I’m willing to find out!

Mary Worth, 4/12/16

Whoa whoa whoa, sexy substitute art history lecturer Harlan Jones, who has gone from zero to private home yoga session with Dawn in about 72 hours, lives with a man … named Alfie … in a possibly romantic way???? [comical B-O-I-O-I-O-I-O-I-N-G sound effect] This explains why he suddenly looks like Queen lead singer Freddie Mercury in that last panel. It is fairly shocking to think that Mary Worth might acknowledge that heterosexuality isn’t the only romantic configuration available, so we may just be in for a lecture about how contingent faculty are paid so little that they have to live with roommates in grim orange-painted concrete apartment buildings that make Charterstone look like an Architectural Digest cover, but either way it seems like we’re not going to get a prof/student forbidden love plot after all.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/11/16

Well, looks like we’re done with the “Rex Acquires Real Estate and Breaks Hearts” and “Dementia Sure Is Depressing” storylines for the moment and are moving on to your favorite and mine, “Everything’s Coming Up Sarah Morgan — Forever.” The relationship between Sarah and her minder is reaching new heights of passive aggression: Kelly notes with with cheerful surprise that Sarah hadn’t been physically assaulted on her first day of school, despite her terrible personality, and Sarah demands to transcend her physical limitations and sit up front like the big girl she has bullied her private school administration into declaring her to be.

Mark Trail, 4/11/16

Oh hey guys, I know it’s been a while since we checked in with Mark Trail’s exciting cave adventure! And today we have … uh … Karst processes … gypsum … you know what, I’ll just let you know when the punching starts up again.

Pluggers, 4/11/16

Well, this seems relatively harmless, and … wait, what’s that say?

NOOOO

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

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Panel from Mary Worth, 4/10/16

Guys, when we started on this journey together with Harlan Jones, the Sensual, Bendy, Spiritually Advanced Substitute Art History Professor, I made a joke about how eventually he would make a pass at Dawn. I did this not because I thought it was going to happen, but because I thought it wasn’t. Coming up with absurd counterfactuals for the soap opera strips is basically like at least 75% of why this blog exists, and I figured a forbidden student-professor romance and/or a faculty member making a gross sexual advance on one of his students would be a little too hot for Mary Worth. It’s starting to look like I was wrong, though! It’s starting to look like the most unlikely seduction in human history — a guy who looks like the guy in a 1950s movie whose girlfriend Cary Grant steals gives a half-assed art history lecture about how awesome Leonardo da Vinci was instead of actually talking about art history, inspiring his class’s drippiest student to come talk to him, and then he shifts the topic to yoga, and then she comes and does one yoga class with him, and then she gets invited to a private yoga session at his house, and then probably sex — is about to happen. God have mercy on us all.

Panels from Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/10/16

The desperately impoverished residents of Hootin’ Holler are of course almost completely cut off from the mainstream American economy, but they keep in tenuous touch with the outside world via radio and thus have an extremely tenuous idea of what it’s like out there, with heartbreaking results.