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Pluggers, 11/24/23

Pluggers remember when Black Friday was the day when President Grant’s brother-in-law caused a Wall Street panic in an attempt to corner the gold market, ultimately damaging the Grant Administration’s reputation. Apparently it’s a sale now? And it goes on for several days? Who knew!

Blondie, 11/24/23

For all you pluggers out there, Blondie’s beloved Blondie Bumstead is here to explain the new meaning of “Black Friday,” out loud to her husband, who presumably already knows what it is, at 4 a.m. But then she’s not going to go there! She’s going to do “cyber Monday” instead. She’s not explaining that one, though. Figure it out for yourselves, pluggers!

Judge Parker, 11/24/23

Welp, I guess Sam and Abbey’s sex vacation did in fact rekindle their mutual attraction, despite the fact that it started with them seeing a guy get mauled to death by a bear and has ended with nonstop CIA surveillance. Perhaps all that action has actually driven them to new erotic heights? Haha, just kidding, these two are boring as shit, it will just make them slightly more peevish.

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Mary Worth, 11/23/23

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! How will you be spending the day? Will you be enjoying a meal in the company of a bunch of other people from your apartment building that you don’t like very much, but you have agreed to spend the evening with because you were promised a particularly juicy bit of gossip to make up for the bone-dry turkey?

Gil Thorp, 11/23/23

Or will you be at home with your beloved family, along with the golf coach who’s fucking your wife?

Six Chix, 11/23/23

Trying to figure out where the action is happening in any given Six Chix is of course a fool’s errand but — are these turkeys hanging out amongst the clouds, indicating that they’re dead (presumably killed for some human’s Thanksgiving dinner) and in heaven? Truly sad that, even in Paradise, they cannot escape the justified fear that haunted them their whole brief, sad lives. Enjoy your holiday meal, everybody!

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/22/23

Well, well, well, it looks like what’s increasingly obviously Buzzy and Rene’s co-grift is coming along nicely, with Rene being sprung from jail by his fancy lawyer so he can do more crimes. Too bad the Harwoods couldn’t afford a lawyer who could keep this notorious criminal behind bars! Also, too bad Congress passed the I’ve Got Mine Act, under which all public criminal prosecution for offenses up to and including attempted murder were eliminated as “not cost effective” and now victims need to hire their own attorneys, as all disputes are hashed out in civil courts. (The I’ve Got Mine Act was passed after heavy lobbying from Rex Morgan, who has his and frankly thinks less of you if you don’t have yours.)

Dennis the Menace, 11/22/23

Man, I don’t know if you can ever be called a “menace” if you’re so dumb that someone has to point at a giant picture of a turkey and say “This is called Thanksgiving, Dennis. That’s a turkey. Turkey. No, that’s a picture you, can’t eat it.” Anyway, to answer your questions, Dennis, the turkey can’t stay awake because it’s dead. You have to kill it well before you put it in the oven.