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Blondie, 5/20/09

You know, it used to be that Elmo served as a foil to draw out Dagwood’s barely concealed child-like side, with his penchant for cute little songs and whimsical nostalgia for mass unemployment and the like. But lately, it seems like he’s increasingly forced to stand in for The Kids Today, and specifically for the worst thing that The Kids Today do, which is texting. I suggest that Blondie should just take a solid week that consists entirely of Dagwood shouting “I HATE TEXTING! I HATE AND FEAR IT EVEN THOUGH I ONLY HAVE THE VAGUEST IDEA OF WHAT IT IS OR HOW OR WHY ONE DOES IT! IT MAKES ME FEEL OLD! I’M NOT OLD BUT TEXTING MAKES ME FEEL OLD! IT IS WORSE THAN GENOCIDE!” Once that’s out of his system, the feature can go back to what it does best (i.e., sandwich-based hilarity).

Pluggers, 5/20/09

Boy, the plugger chicken-lady sure is obsessed with her various surgeries, isn’t she? I look forward to this little plugger-plot escalating creepily. “Pluggers always like to keep their old stuff around — you never know when it will come in handy” will be the caption as the chicken-lady opens up a closet full of her jarred organs.

Gil Thorp, 5/20/09

Wow, so it looks like the current Gil Thorp storyline will be not so much “the Internet is terrible” but “don’t put pictures of stuff you don’t want people knowing about, such as pictures of you breaking the law, on the Internet, you stupid jackass.” This is actually a pretty useful lesson for today’s teenagers to learn, so it’s kind of too bad that none of them read Gil Thorp.

Dick Tracy, 5/20/09

“Get it? Because … that’s something you’d say in a poker game? And there’s sort of a card motif going on here? Anyway, long story short, I beat this guy to death.”

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Blondie and Archie, 5/19/09

Let us take a moment to appreciate some particularly hard-working comics characters: those that refuse to deny us the pleasures of a hilarious reaction shot even when they don’t appear in our field of view! For instance, in today’s Archie, the final panel chooses to linger in a loving close-up on Jughead’s face; the title character is forced to express his disgust with his friend’s aggressive ignorance by emitting Cathy-style sweatballs into the panel from the left. Meanwhile, Dagwood’s rage at being duped on pepperoni-related matters is so palpable that it radiates right through his front door; presumably he or the mailman closed said front door to avoid devastating the entire neighborhood with his terrible wrath.

Cathy, 5/19/09

Speaking of Cathy-style sweatballs, with “Your dog just puked in there” we add another shameful entry to the List Of Cathy Installments At Which Josh Has Laughed Non-Ironically.

Gil Thorp, 5/19/09

Oh, God, this Gil Thorp storyline won’t just be about Gil discovering YouTube; it will be about Gil discovering the Internet, in general, with the help of Coach Kaz, who’s long been using MySpace to lure 16-year-old girls into his custom-airbrushed Kaz-van. Anyway, this plot might be worth it if we get more close-up horrified reaction shots from Gil like the one in the final panel (I’m assuming that he’s stumbled upon the “For the ladies” album on Andrew Gregory’s Facebook account), but I will be very disappointed if Marty Moon’s Twitter account isn’t involved somehow (though I’ll be unsettled if it involves mine).

Mark Trail, 5/19/09

If you had to pick a member of the Trail household to feel sorry for, you’d probably pick Rusty (neglected, funny-looking, kind of dim), Cherry (neglected, sexually frustrated, only allowed to wear pink shirts), or maybe Andy (not neglected, especially when someone is needed to serve as bait). But what about Cherry’s father Doc? Being trapped in a remote forest compound with only Mark, Rusty, and someone dumb enough to marry Mark and adopt Rusty for company, you can see why he’d start to disengage from his environment and retreat into his private world. In today’s first panel, it’s obvious that he knows it would be socially inappropriate to just continue his dinner in silence, but he really hasn’t been following any of the last hour’s worth of conversation; since everyone seems generally pleased, he plays it safe. “Yes, it’s great that things happened … you know, the way they happened! Probably at least two of you here were responsible for that outcome!”

Soon, however, we learn why Doc is emerging from his shell: he needs Mark’s help with something! What could it be? Veterinarian Doc seems to be what passes for a health-care professional in rustic Lost Forest, but I dearly hope it isn’t medically related. “Mark, it’s about time for my colonoscopy! Doing it myself like I did last year was trickier than I thought, so I’d like you to hold the mirror this time around.”

Mary Worth, 5/19/09

A lot of commentors thought it was strange that Adrian is only thought-ballooning her intention to answer the doorbell, but is it really any stranger than her father talking loudly about her delicate emotional state right in front of her? A lot of commentors also thought that Adrian’s dress was hideous, but is it any worse than Dr. Jeff’s snappy one-orange-shoulder shirt? What I’m trying to say is that Mary Worth is a maelstrom of insanity, and there’s no point in trying to focus on individual elements and make them work in some sort of real-world context.

Herb and Jamaal, 5/19/09

Silly Herb! You can’t vacuum a mass grave!

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Your COTW is coming momentarily, but I have several items to share with you first — and a couple of them are about ME! First: do many of you use the Twitter? After much badgering, I, too have begun to use the Twitter! I am jfruh in those parts, and you may now follow me there for fun times! I will let you know when this blog updates, will clue you in on writing of mine that appears elsewhere, and will give you 140-character glimpses into my inner life.

But what if you wanted to find out about all that stuff in increments longer than 140 characters? Well, my friends, then you’d have to start reading my blog, the Josh Fruhlinger Experience. I’ve been thinking for a while about starting a blog of my very own — because while I am a professional blogger, I do try to keep the Comics Curmudgeon focused more or less on comics-related curmudgeonry. The Josh Fruhlinger Experience will serve as the place where I do all the things that most people do with their blogs — enthuse about local and national entertainment, blather half-informed about politics, post pictures of my cat, etc. I’ll also have news about other projects and events that I’m involved in; half the point of doing this new blog is to give me an incentive to come up with exciting events and projects to blog about. I can’t promise it’ll be updated every day, so you’ll want to subscribe to the RSS feed, obviously. And, uh, I’ll probably be linking to the more interesting bits on Twitter. And I’ll probably still post random non-comics-related stuff here too, although I might be more likely to just give you pointers to the other blog.

Also! There are things you should know about that are not wholly me-related! First of all, I have been meaning to alert you to the fact that there is now a My Cage Cafepress store, since I know many of you enjoy this comic (whose writer Ed Power is an occasional commentor here).

And! Faithful reader Highway pointed me to the hilarious Depression Funnies, from Ruben Bolling. Learn how Mark Trail will be getting through the hard economic times!

In addition! The LA Times insists on being awesome by continuing to post classic comics pages from years past. They just put up one from 1959, which contained this amazing Judge Parker, where we learn that college has transformed future judge Randy into a colossal tool:

And, finally: you might recall that a throwaway joke I made about Hi and Lois became a fantastic movie treatment, They Buried Beethoven Alive!, put together by faithful readers Captain Thunder and Comrade Denny in the comments. Faithful reader John Wood collected their work in one easy-to-read Google Docs document, making him a true American hero.

And now, without further ado … your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“Oddly enough, I sympathize with Crankshaft’s daughter. I also find stoned people annoying.” –J

And your runners-up! Very funny!

“I can’t think of anything as soul crushing as being nominated for the Westview High School Hall of Fame. I wonder, does the induction ceremony end with everyone swallowing a cyanide capsule?” –JHPants

“I think the Crankshaft mom is horrified that her daughter isn’t showing ‘anything’; hence, her last dreams of showing off her daughter’s prime young body to the highest social class she’ll ever socialize with (high school grads) will be shot, leaving her destined to a more typical Crankshaftian lifestyle.” –pccmdoc

“You should judge Mary Worth by her having chosen to dress like an undertaker for her volunteer job at the hospital.” –gnome de blog

“I have two theories about the blue-sheeted lump in the Room Beyond. It could be Ted, himself, once a con artist, now a patient at Mountview Hospital where he lingers near death after he is injured in a prison yard shanking at the Santa Royale Center for Attitude Adjustment. In this case, the plot will involve Adrian’s shock at recognizing her new patient and her sudden realization that she loves Ted still, in spite of all his faults. On the other hand, it could be that the Room Beyond is really the cafeteria and the blue lump is just an industrial quantity of the type of amorphous foodstuffs we’re so used to seeing in Mary Worth.” –Charterstoned

“The Morgans spend their time alone in the room with their legs crossed. Geez, no wonder these two always act frustrated. They don’t even know where or how to begin.” –True Fable

“Graduation Day in Funky Winkerbean would find the boys wearing hospital gowns and the girls wearing burial shrouds.” –Perky Bird

“In a pitiful display of Stockholm Syndrome, Margo’s assistant has tragically tried to duplicate her oppressor/employer’s appearance but has failed miserably and instead looks like the abandoned offspring of Moe Howard and Marcie from Peanuts.” –Joe Blevins

“Dinner and a movie for under 20 bucks? Where did Beetle and Miss Buxley go on their date? 1973?” –Patrick

We’ll see who’s about to die … when I disturb the feng shui of this Hammacher Schlemmer Desktop Executive Zen Garden by raking all the patterns out of the sand!” –Holy Prepuce

“I dunno, I think Detective Sherbertblazer would be a good match for Adrian. The fact that he asked her out while conducting an investigation into her recently-arrested fiance without considering the emotional or professional implications indicates that his complete lack of common sense is equal to her own.” –TheDiva

“I’m just creeped out by Peter greeting Aunt May with ‘Hi pretty lady.’ I like to think she responds with the grammatically awkward and unnatural ‘Did you sleep here also last night?’ because it makes her a little uncomfortable as well, and not because she thinks that’s an acceptable way to speak English.” –Canaduck

“If Adrian chose that haircut, Adrian cannot be allowed to choose a life mate.” –Cranky

“The point is, when you’re a dead-eyed ancillary character in Mary Worth with hair like an ink helmet clinging mercilessly to your skull, you’re probably going to need a way to find exceptionally desperate guys if you’re ever going to get any action at all. So yeah, why not let your dad scare off all the normal, sane men before you waste your time on them?” –Trilobite

“I have spent some time in hospitals and I have to say that if I had been wheeled back to my room after some horrendous procedure to discover Mary Worth and some strange — ‘strange’ meaning ‘batshit nuts’ — doctor carrying on a prayer revival next to my bed, I wouldn’t have looked nearly as chipper as that poor sap in the wheelchair.” –Farley’s Revenge

I’d hate to miss the fun … but since this is Judge Parker, I guess there’s not a whole lot of danger of that.” –Pozzo

“Don’t forget, Ces: when Sal is finally committed, Ted will be free to pursue Aria. Or become an eccentric shut-in who collects original Go-bots, including the rare South American releases. Thankfully, from what we know about Aria, these two fates are not mutually exclusive.” –Master Softheart

“This is the second or third day that Judge Parker has not featured attractive, scantily clad women, and without them, the strip has lost all of its appeal. It’s just a bunch of upper-class jerks (with porn star names) talking about their next lucrative contract, or their next pointless purchase; it’s essentially the illustrated version of The Wall Street Journal. Which means that, at its finest (with scantily clad women), Judge Parker is really just The Wall Street Journal Swimsuit Edition.” –Alan’s Addiction

“Dr. Jeff sure is suspicious of the detective who, after all, was kind enough to save his daughter from marrying a grifter. Could it be he’s worried that the good detective will deduce that Dr. Corey’s been prescribing himself ever-increasing amounts chlorpromazine and other powerful psychotropic drugs to deal with the self-loathing and despair he feels for dating Mary Worth? It’s not much of a deduction, though. More of a foregone conclusion.” –Comrade Denny

“Assuming the giant midpanel white space in Blondie is deliberate and not an insult to panel composition, the joke is obviously that in the first two panels Dagwood was trying and failing to smash through the walls à la Kool-Aid Man.” –Dragon of Life

“Also, I think Gabriella is Generic, not Hispanic. So ‘uno momento’, and for that matter, ‘uno memento’, are perfectly grammatical.” –Uncle Lumpy

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