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Marvin, 3/27/08

Yesterday, several commentors noted that Marvin and Bitsy (yes, Marvin’s dumb dog is named “Bitsy”) were conversing not with their usual thought-balloon-based psychic powers, but in ordinary word balloons denoting normal audible speech — or as normal as any such speech can be when being uttered by a baby and a dog. Naturally, because this is Marvin, I assumed that it was a result of the strip’s general slapdash halfassery, rather than than some momentous change in the inner universe of the characters. But today, we see that Marvin can in fact speak aloud to adults in complete (and rather pompously phrased) sentences. Why? Who knows? Who cares? It’s Marvin. At least they’ve quietly dropped the stupid text speak.

For Better Or For Worse, 3/27/08

Gosh, Liz, I wonder why it doesn’t feel quite right? Maybe because this whole process has involved you letting go of your own hopes, dreams, ambitions, wants, and personality, and now are just being buffeted along by everyone else’s opinions? Or maybe you’re talking about the dress itself, with its built-in whalebone corset, which feels very much not right as it jabs into your ribs.

Gil Thorp, 3/27/08

Hey, everyone, would you like to get ready for taco casserole at home? It’s easy! Here’s how:

• Dump a dozen hard-shelled tacos, with your choice of cheese, ground beef, salsa, and vegetables, into a saucepan.
• Pour in four cans of cream of mushroom soup.
• Stir over medium heat until mixture becomes a more or less undifferentiated, vomit-like mass.
• Pour into possibly leaky brown paper bag; hold sideways.
• Never, ever eat again, because the process has been made forever repellent to you by your experience with “taco casserole.”

Sally Forth and Pearls Before Swine, 3/27/08

Hey everyone, it’s a Sally Forth-Pearls Before Swine crossover! There’s very little I can say that would be funnier than Sally Forth writer Ces Marciuliano’s original blog post on the subject, so you should just go check that out now.

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Herb and Jamaal, 3/26/08

That Jamaal! He’s got a “head” that a gal could “rub” all day! If you know what I mean! And I think you do!

Ha ha, just kidding. I’m sure this isn’t meant to be some kind of double entendre; the lady in question is obviously just talking about the head that sits on his shoulders.

Which looks like giant penis, of course.

Man, I wish this cat-calling had been phrased in more typical Herb and Jamaal-style ludicrously nonspecific terms. “Hello, attractive individual! I’d sure like to make pleasurable contact with a portion of your anatomy!”

Beetle Bailey, 3/26/08

The cruel gaslighting of the unlovable and unloved Lt. Fuzz is par for the course in Beetle Bailey; but today I’m just sad that the almost-as-dorky Spc. Chip Gizmo has gotten roped into it. Presumably he’s sick of being a nerdy social pariah and is trying to win points the only way he can: by turning on someone even further down the social ladder than he is. Oh, Chip, they just want your technical skills — they aren’t really your friends! You won’t be getting any offers to hang out or anything, until they need someone to get all the porn viruses off their computers.

Wizard of Id, 3/26/08

I was going to go into a diatribe today about this one, ranting that I haven’t seen an actual child delivering newspapers in more than a decade, and that all subscription billing these days is entirely computerized, with bills arriving in the mail or the charges just being automatically put onto your credit card, but then I remembered that the Wizard of Id takes place in the Middle Ages. So, um: Ha ha! The King of Id likes to torture children in his dungeon!

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Archie, 3/25/08

Kudos to the AJGLU 3000 for not forcing the narrative in the first panel. The mere sight of the “Help Wanted” sign in Pop’s window is much subtler than what I’d have expected, which would have been Jughead staring at the “Help Wanted” sign while a light bulb (possibly hamburger shaped) went off over his head. Kudos too to our bleeping funny-bot for recognizing that the search for employment isn’t some smooth operation of soulless economic actors, but is rather layered with sarcasm and class-based resentment. Either that, or the AJGLU 3000 really thinks that hamburgers are a valid form of payment.

Crankshaft, 3/25/08

Crankshaft’s daughter and son-in-law are discussing the fact that their son — who is in his late teens or early 20s, and who I’m pretty sure is gainfully employed in some capacity — has decided to move into his own place. Naturally, their bleak, ashen faces in panel two make it look like he’s decided to sign up to be a suicide bomber — naturally, because this is the Funkiverse, where every little seemingly innocent decision has some kind of tragic downside, even if you can’t see it just yet.

Apartment 3-G, 3/25/08

When Margo hears “monastery,” she’s naturally anxious that her man might have done something terrible, like taking a vow of chastity or, worse, poverty. Obedience she could probably live with.

Mary Worth, 3/25/08

As young Mary prepares to fake her way through grace, we learn that her upbringing wasn’t just materially deprived — it was also spiritually empty! I know I should have long given up hope for this flashback sequence, but I admit to being excited to see just what life-changing event Mary is going to experience. Will she begin to speak in tongues, with “tongues” here meaning “bland platitudes”? Or will Cathy’s family’s prayer invoke the Holy Virgin Mary, and young Miss Worth will suddenly be filled with a new sense of her own power, as only she will be intercede for us at the hour of our death?

Dennis the Menace, 3/25/08

Ha ha! Dennis’s “field trip” is going to involve a lead pipe, a burlap sack, and a fast-moving river.