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For Better Or For Worse, 8/13/07

Look, I love bacon cheeseburgers. And I adore tuna casserole. And my diet is pretty dodgy, and errs in the direction of the greasy, as those two previous declarations would indicate. And even I’m kind of appalled by today’s FBOFW. It never really occurred to me that these would be two great tastes that go great together, possibly because of some residual instinct of self-preservation. And if I did choose to combine these artery-clogging treats in a single meal, I probably wouldn’t make burgers that were literally the size of dinner plates. I don’t want to judge. But I guess that’s what I’m doing.

You’ll note that despite Ellie’s good mood, there’s a tear running down her cheek in panel two. My guess is that her circulatory system is weeping in anticipation of its coming suffering. Also, sadder than any other aspect of this paean to cholesterol is the look of pure unmediated joy on John’s face in the final panel. It’s as if he’s finally discovered a reason to live again — one that will kill him in short order, ironically.

One Big Happy, 8/13/07

OBH’s mom is caught in a moment of repose in panel one. And by “repose”, I mean “utterly soul-sapped exhaustion,” obviously. The look on her face and her body language pretty much say, “Please, God, take me now so I never have to deal with my children’s ADHD-driven antics again.” Thus, the dire violence on tap in panel four is, if still probably against the law, at least well set up in the strip’s narrative.

Apartment 3-G, 8/13/07

Yesterday’s encounter between Alan and Jones the beatnik, in which the latter opined that he “might have just what you want”, followed by today’s episode, in which Alan claims to have been “riding high” and now needs to start making “amends”, all combine to imply one thing: we’re going to get an “Alan the recovering substance abuser” storyline written entirely in scarcely veiled code and innuendo, apparently to shield the bluehairs who fainted in droves during Mary Worth’s Tommy the Tweaker storyline. Look for Alan to have a meaningful conversation with Lu Ann in which he claims to have “thrown out all of his ‘junk'” and to be “no longer interested in ‘riding the white lion,'” winking at her all the while, then saying “wink” aloud to reinforce his point.

Family Circus, 8/13/07

The way Grandma is nervously fidgeting with her collar implies that Dolly is more of a threat than her short stature and low IQ would suggest. “People who don’t hang up all of my art get the CORNFIELD!”

Luann, 8/13/07

“Um, yeah! Totally different reasons! Ha ha ha ha ha!” [45 seconds of increasingly uncomfortable silence]

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Shoe, 8/12/07

Sunday’s Shoe is the latest in an occasional series I like to call “Jokes that hint distastefully at the Perfesser’s sex life.” The throwaway panel features a pointless statement about “eyes being well-rested” (one usually only talks about resting one’s eyes if one is a late-middle-aged uncle claiming not to be napping) that only serves to set up a punchline making hay from the Perfesser’s tendency to ogle women so blatantly that it makes them uncomfortable. Later, we get an extended riff that hints broadly at impotence, always a non-stop laugh riot, and then goes further by drawing a connection between the ability to achieve an erection and the ability to sit passively on the couch and receive hundreds of channels of mind-numbing, lowest-common-denominator entertainment. At least panel four can be enjoyed on its own because it looks looks like the Perfesser is contemplating jumping to his death.

Hi and Lois, 8/12/07

Gosh, Lois, those are good questions! Why is it that when it comes to this vacation, all the “good” parts for your kids involved “suffering” or “pain” or “humiliation”? Or “all of the above”? What would make them “enjoy” those sorts of experiences? Let’s ask someone who might have an “idea” about that:

Ouch, the truth hurts! Which is just how the Flagston kids like it.

Finally, Sunday’s Crock’s throwaway panel tells you pretty much all you need to know about the strip’s politics:

Equal rights, you say? Oh..oh indeed!

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Sunday comics coming … Monday, probably, but the week’s comment of the week waits for no man! Or woman.

“‘I wish I had that stuff in my room’ is my new favorite pick-up line.” –BlinkAndItsOver

Also funny: The runners up.

“Gil Thorp reminds me of a seagull I once saw at the beach. It had no legs, and every time it came down to land it would seem genuinely surprised and flummoxed by its lack of legs and flap back up into the air. I must have watched it for half an hour. As with GT, at first you feel pity and wonder if the kindest thing would be to dash its brains out with a rock. But the longer you watch, the more you start to see it as a sort of cosmic metaphor for the absurdity of existence, full of tragedy and humour. But I’m still back at the ‘dashing its brains out’ stage with GT. Or dashing my own brains out. Either way.” –Old Bean

“The Phantom is going to torture the bad guys using Pavlov’s classical conditioning? Damn, this comic just got a heck of a lot more interesting, and a heck of a lot more boring, at the same time.” –Lammergeier13

“Dr. McWhitepants is only concerned that Drew is looking at a rap for statutory rape because no woman old enough to consent to sex would be caught dead in that hideous purple outfit.” –Tracer Bullet

“What on earth happened to Dr. Drew’s jaw between panel 1 and 2? In panel 1, he looks like his usual ‘Eddie Munster’ self. In panel 2 his jawline has the plant-crushing possibilities of an A. robustus, leaving us to wonder whether his improbable haircut is hiding the sort of sagittal crest we find on early hominids. Dawn probably is ‘too young’ for this unfrozen caveman.” –Frank Parsnip

“I imagine Margo would be quite a bit like a cheetah in the sack: a flurry of claws and teeth that ends in about three minutes.” –Tweeks_Coffee

“So why were the Shawna-Marie wedding guests searching for the Undynamic Duo? This is so obvious that it’s probably already been said, but maybe the guests had a moment of mass clarity and were seeking to kill them.” –Poteet

“So Thérèse talked Anthony into growing the mustache because it made him look professional, eh? And he talked her into having a baby she didn’t want. Golly gee, I guess that makes them even then.” –Eats Shoots And Leaves

“Wait, the desk manager recognizes MJ from Entertainment Tonight? This could ruin their vacation! Oh, television, you really ARE the only super-villain in Spider-Man!” –Trilobite

“You know, you gotta hand it to Françoise. Two years ago, she was nursing at the man-boob of her father. And now she’s giving him fashion advice. Maybe she’ll also tell him that his Sansabelt slacks make him seem old. Oh, and his view of women in the workplace, too.” –mumbles

“Why the heck is Nosy Older Doctor actually saying ‘wink’? What’s his next line going to be: ‘I bet she’s great in bed, what with those awesome titties! Erection!'” –Inspector Dim

“Whenever I’m trying to get a message across on the sly, I always make sure to say ‘wink’ as I do it, lest my salacious intent be confused for palsies.” –js

“I think you’re underestimating Leroy’s affinity for the avant-garde world of modern art, as he clearly seems to be sporting a pair of male leggings.” –Melissa G

“I’d always assumed that Judge Parker was a criminal court judge or something. I’m starting to suspect, however, that he is actually just a judge in the local wet t-shirt contests.” –Darkefang

“I don’t think I quite get the meaning behind Bill Ritter’s speech in Gil Thorp today. ‘The other guy can only run so far!’ Before being confronted by my junk, that is! Seriously. He can only go two panels max before I shove my crotch in his face.” –zooby

“I hope Françoise is just doing this to set them up with each other so that, while they’re busy obsessing over each other, she can escape the comic unnoticed. You go, girl. No, really, go. Far away from these freaks.” –commodorejohn

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