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Crock, 1/20/08

I’m less concerned about the ever-hapless Figowitz than I am for the fish. I realize that fish don’t have eyelids, but the poor beastie’s little frownie face makes it look as if he’d been pumped full of air (or something — is that a caulk gun?) and then sent on to Crock for consumption while still alive. Worse, he’s been treated in some devilish way that has allowed him to pass through the cooking process from scaly gray to golden brown while remaining inflated. I’d look unhappy too, I think.

Panels from Dennis the Menace, 1/20/08

I’m kind of at a loss to explain the throwaway panels in today’s Dennis the Menace. Are they some kind of allegory on international politics? Margaret in her beret represents the Europeans, who spend much of their GNP on social programs and can’t understand why the Americans (represented by Dennis in his blue jacket and red-and-white striped hat) invest so heavily in “ammunition” (i.e. defense programs). Will the two sides ever learn to see eye to eye? Or will Dennis just paste Margaret in the back of the head?

Mary Worth, 1/20/08

Dr. Drew, you show us all that chivalry isn’t dead! He’s well aware that his checked sports coat is a aesthetic crime against all that is good and holy, but he’s also seen how Vera dresses, and he knows that a gentleman always makes sure that his lady isn’t wearing the ugliest thing in the room.

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Mark Trail, 1/19/08

That plane, for those of you not keeping up at home, is circling Mark because its passengers plan to kill him, and really, why wouldn’t they. Not only is he slowly making his way back to the nearby town that everyone keeps creepily referring to as “the community” (which makes it sound like some vaguely hippie-like cult compound) in order to drop a dime on the suddenly-not-dying-of-brain-cancer Luke Wilson, but he’s also annoying as hell, with his word balloon in panel two being representative of the sort of idiot patter he’s been keeping up for the benefit of nobody in particular. If Mark Trail were the sort of strip that provided animals with thought balloons, Andy’s would be saying “SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP” right about now. He’ll no doubt come to Mark’s rescue anyway, but Luke Wilson’s henchmen (fun phrase you probably won’t see in People magazine anytime soon: “Luke Wilson’s henchmen”) would do well to try to make the enormous canine a better offer. Since we’ve had hints that their “hunting and fishing camp” is a cover operation for some kind of monstrous crime, perhaps Andy can be wooed with the promise of all the human flesh he can eat, starting with that of his erstwhile owner.

Phantom, 1/19/08

“…uh, who I just remembered has kind of a thing about remaining unknown! Don’t worry, girls, they’ll be able to identify your bodies from all the skull marks.”

Gil Thorp, 1/19/08

Oh, Andrew! I know you’re no Clambake — you’re not even a self-clubbing Tyler — but I am beginning to fall for you a little bit. Look, he even refers to himself as “the A-Train” in his own internal monologue! Mercy.

I think the text in panel two was accidentally left in Narration Box Italic. It’s kind of surprising that the rigorous Gil Thorp quality control team didn’t catch that.

Lockhorns, 1/19/08

I’m not sure what’s sadder: that Leroy and Loretta’s social life is based around a dollar-a-day DVD rental from the public library, or that she thinks that a three-dollars-a-day DVD from Blockbuster would be a sign that they had finally arrived.

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Mary Worth, 1/18/08

All in favor of relegating Mary Worth to Barney Google-esque irrelevance in her own strip so we can spend more time enjoying Dr. Drew’s egotastic ramblings, say “aye!” This guy is a non-stop laugh riot. “Hey, check out that thirtysomething guy with a haircut out of the ’50s wearing a baby blue shirt and an identically colored t-shirt underneath! I totally want to have sex with him!” “No way, blondie, I saw him first! He’s all mine!” “I know! Let’s both take him home and have a three-way!” “Sure, sounds fun!” That’s what it’s like inside Dr. Drew’s head. Then it sort of goes like “WHIRR WHIRR WHIRR WHIRRR” for a while, followed by “OOOH SHINY!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/18/08

“I mean, obviously I’m going to use it to buy meth. The hard part is, do I share it with you? You’re a little young for that sort of thing, but you did steal the cash fair and square, so it seems wrong to keep all the drugs I buy with it for myself.”

Apartment 3-G, 1/18/08

Oh, Lu Ann, you poor pathetic victim, can you seriously be aching for a kiss from Alan at this point? HE’S STILL GOT THAT OTHER WOMAN’S COOTIES ALL OVER HIS MOUTH! This is the part where we’d root for Lu Ann to stumble tearfully into the apartment, and, confused and emotionally vulnerable, and end up making out with Tommie — if either of them had an ounce of sex appeal, that is.

Pluggers, 1/18/08

AAAH EXTREME CLOSEUP ON PLUGGER SKULL LUMPS NOT CHARMING NOT FOLKSY JUST DEEPLY UNSETTLING ABORT ABORT ABORT