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Mary Worth, 3/13/07

Following hot on the heels of yesterday’s tush-grope fest, we find that Vera has learned something very important about interacting with Ben: don’t let him sneak up behind you, and guard your genitals at all time.

There’s something about the “ha-ha.”, complete with period, in the second panel of this strip that just disturbs the hell out of me. We can see why Ben’s doing so well at Creepy Lack Of Affect Advertising Agency, what with his unlaugh barely hiding his stalking intentions. “Surely you aren’t trying to escape me … and my grabby hands … just because I have access to your HR records and your old address … ha-ha.”

Slylock Fox, 3/13/07

You know, if I wrote a comic aimed at young children populated by anthropomorphic animals, I might gloss over some of the more disturbing aspects of the great web of life on this planet, but hey, Slylock Fox, don’t let me stop you from traumatizing millions of bunny-loving kiddies everywhere. This feature has never shied away from depicting various terrified prey animals in their natural habitat, but there’s something about the civilized setting here that just makes this so much wronger. What I wonder is: who did that big, juicy steak on Leo’s plate just get sliced off of? And who did the slicing?

Judge Parker, 3/13/07

Wait, are you two ladies moaning about what a pain it’s going to be to inherit four enormous European mansions? That’s it, I hate you, I don’t care how sexy you are. I hope you get mugged by punk rockers! Which you almost certainly will, in six to eight months.

Gil Thorp, 3/13/07

One of the things I love best about Gil Thorp is that I read it every day and I still don’t know what the hell is going on half the time. For instance, did you know that Snoopy Reporter Girl is also on the basketball team? I sure didn’t? Also, do you know her name? I sure don’t!

My very favorite thing about this strip is clearly the disembodied set of alien tentacles that’s perched on Rick’s shoulder in the first panel; fortunately, Snoopy Reporter Girl is a good four feet away and can flee if it attacks her. Also awesome is Rick’s casual diagonal leaning pose in panel three. When Von Haney did it on the radio, it signified extreme smugness, but here I think it denotes an increasing weariness at these bush-league Woodward and Bernstein antics — weariness surely shared by everyone following along at home.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/13/07

With all the talk of failed drug tests, this is probably the first patented Rex Morgan, M.D., up-the-nostril shot that’s actually kind of relevant to the storyline.

Pluggers, 3/13/07

A plugger’s contempt for local restaurateurs is matched only by his hostility towards his own circulatory system.

Dennis the Menace, 3/13/07

Dennis’ menacing hits yet another new low as he fobs off the task of antagonizing his baby-sitter — previously a core menacing competency — onto some random person on the phone.

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Mary Worth, 3/12/07

So Mary Worth’s storyline seems to have finally given up, and I say good riddance. It could never really figure out what it was supposed to be about — fortune telling and condo association rules? Agent Orange? a battle for biddy supremacy? Mary’s latent guilt? Mary’s latent love for Jeff? tuna casserole? As Ella drives off, presumably to her death, we can only hope that more interesting things, or at least more coherent things, are in the cards.

And call me a hopeless optimist, but I’m guessing they are! “Hi there! I’m Gropy McGrabass, and I’m an up-and-comer here at Creepy Lack Of Affect Advertising Agency! You must be the new person here, right? I bet you haven’t had your sexual harassment seminar yet! It’s a load of bullcrap, trust me! Hey, mind if I rest my hand on your rear end for the next three to six months?”

Non Sequitur, 3/12/07

Well, I live in Baltimore, actually, but it’s true that I’m not afraid to point out blatant payola wherever I may find it. So don’t try to silence me, oppressive gears of international capitalism, and don’t try to buy me off!

Wait, did I say “don’t try to buy me off”? I meant “do.” Really! Do!

It sounds like an urban legend, but it’s an absolutely true story: One of my wife’s co-workers had a baby a few years ago, and when she (my wife) was visiting her (her co-worker) at the hospital, another proud mom in the maternity ward reported that her husband needed to figure out how to spell their new daughter’s name, so he had just run over to the liquor store to copy it down from a bottle of Courvoisier. Because everyone should be named after whatever substance contributed most directly to their conception.

Marmaduke and Ziggy, 3/12/07

Today, two single-panel standbys took on an intriguing question: can a relatively lame and somewhat puzzling joke be made funnier by the addition of donuts, which some might argue to be an inherently amusing food? The answer is clearly “no”, but it’s nice to see them trying new things.

Does it make me a bad person to think that “the Donut Hole” is an almost unspeakably filthy name for a business? It’s not as bad as “the Bucket,” but still.

Slylock Fox, 3/12/07

Glow-in-the-dark paint? I’m afraid Shady Shrew’s a lot shadier than that: that’s a big pile of radioactive waste, and our soricomorphic friend is a terrorist dirty bomber as well as a perpetrator of televised consumer fraud.

What the hell kind of home shopping network allows its vendors make crude, hand-painted signs for their wares? The kind that doesn’t have a geiger counter, apparently.

Apartment 3-G, 3/12/07

Going by Tommie’s facial expression, I’m guessing she’s all kinds of not listening to Margo. Not that it matters, because, as the greatest omniscient narration box in the history of omniscient narration boxes tells us, “Back at 3-G, Margo’s happiness is undiminished!” Pretty much every installment of this strip that features Margo could include that box, actually; just substitute “rage” for “happiness” if she’s in her other mood, and you’d be all set.

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Yes, it’s Sunday evening, and you know what that means: Comments of the week! Let’s start with one that I found particularly giggle-worthy:

[Re: Mary Worth]: “Wouldn’t armchair activism be too arduous? How about just raising money for armchair activism?” –MossMoses

And the almost-as-hilariouses:

“Now, see, Dan’s up to something. I know this, because earlier he said, ‘I’m up to something,’ or something like that. I forget the exact line.” –Bunnë

“Mary Worth came in dead last in the Post-Gazette readers’ poll? Wow, that makes you think, huh! Specifically, what it makes you think is that the Post-Gazette must not run Cathy.” –Fred P.

“Neddy’s beret morphs around on her head like Curtis’ backwards baseball cap. One minute it looks like a beret, the next like something Sam Jackson wears at awards shows to be cool, the next she’s like some little drugged-out Keebler elf.” –bootsybooks

“Oh, TJ. Your eyes say ‘marijuana,’ but your violence against drywall says ‘three-day coke binge with more Red Bull than regrets.'” –Lettuce

“In the few months that I have been reading Slylock Fox regularly, I come across at least one pattern so far. Cats = bad. Cat whores = devious and bad.” –Forthillrox

“Spider-Man’s final panel may be the introduction of the strip’s next storyline, ‘The Rise of the Channel Surfer,’ in which Spidey must do battle with a super-villainess who instinctively knows what is showing on every channel at all times. The battle will be intense because, after all, Spider-Man DOESN’T know what is on every channel at all times! Who will prevail? (SPOILER ALERT: Spider-Man will prevail, probably accidentally.)” –Wonkey the Monkey

“In the final panel of today’s strip, we can see the learned survival instincts of the Margo-dating male; having enraged the female with shocking news that serves only to annoy the Margo, he takes to feigning death in hopes that the predatory Margo will find him unappetizing. Notice how the Margo, curious, uncertain, and a bit agitated, pokes and prods the now-motionless male, hoping to provoke a sign of life; all the while, the male wobbles in place like a dime-store mannequin.” –spoonman

“This Spider-Man strip has filled me with suspense and anticipation! Okay, I’m over it now.” –Dave V.

“That can’t be a plugger bathroom. The lid on the seat is down.” –Trotzenbonnie

“When I think ‘plugger,’ ‘toilet,’ and ‘plumbing,’ I also think ‘plunger.’ Extremely unwillingly.” –Poteet

“I kinda like April’s ‘coat’. Which is quite clearly nothing of the sort.” –Christopher

“Given Mr. Wilson’s raised fist, I can’t help but wonder if every Dennis the Menace strip is followed by director’s cut style child abuse. Maybe that’s why he gets progressively less menacing.” –zqfmgb

“The more of [Mary Worth] I read, the more I’m becoming convinced that the entire strip is a monologue by Mary’s ego. If anyone else happens to speak, the sound of her own awesomeness usually drowns them out.” –Jen

“I’m pretty sure Jeremy hasn’t purchased a CD in three years. And he probably copied all his old CDs to his computer or iPod and sold them to buy Sara something stupid, because boys in love are complete retards with bad tastes in music, so expect his Good Charlotte collection to go towards that gaudy butterfly pin Sara’s tolerating on her sweater even as we speak.” –Plinko Commie

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