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Curtis, 1/2/07

Ah, Kwanzaa: What would our life be without you? We would be bereft, is what, since we wouldn’t be treated to the annual totally demented and awesome Kwanztravaganza in Curtis. I didn’t think anything could beat last year’s bat-winged Kwanzaa bear, but this enormous, huge-eyed, telepathic (and the good kind of telepathic, with the glowing rings of telepathy emerging from her brain) golden otter is breathtaking in its over-the-top Kwanztasticness. I was going to go back and read the earlier Curtises I missed during my vacation to see if I could figure out what the hell is going on here, but why bother? Just lie back and enjoy the huge golden otter’s telepathic glow. Ahhhh.

The Phantom, 1/2/07

I did go back and read all the old Phantoms I missed, but I still have no idea what the hell this conversation is supposed to mean. Mostly I just like the sentence “We had it made with that securities job! Now we’re robbing natives!” I like to imagine it coming out of the mouth of one of the fratty Ivy League pricks I went to college with, one of the ones who was all eager to move to New York and get jobs working for Smith Barney or some such, but who one day found himself advancing on a village in Malawi with an AK-47 instead, wondering what had gone wrong with his life.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 1/2/07

The haircut and the striped t-shirt are strongly evocative of Ronald McDonald, which can’t possibly be accidental. But I think what really sells this for me is the fact that the giant cargo shorts are magenta. Because that’s what they’re wearing on the streets. Word.

Mark Trail, 1/2/07

Look at that wistful little smile on Mark’s face in the last panel. Oh, if there’s ever a man who loves the thrill of the struggle with a clever, hard-working beaver, it’s Mark Trail. He’s going to live-trap the hell out of those rodents — but he respects them, is the important thing.

I wonder when Mark is going to tell Dick that he’s the one who set Lucky loose to wreak havoc on Dick’s land. Hint: the best time will be when Dick is unarmed.

Hagar the Horrible, 1/2/07

Oh, for … Hagar and Lucky Eddie do not defend castles! OK? Hagar and Lucky Eddie attack castles that other people defend! Get it? They’re attackers! Not attackees! GAH!

I think there’s something wrong with me that this bothers me so much. But I’m still right, dammit.

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Hi, everybody! I’m back at last. I see you’ve all been having fun in my absence (1270+ comments worth of fun!), but I’m rested and ready, if not tanned, and eager to get back in the blogging saddle.

So, how was your Christmas? Did it feel like it was brusquely shoehorned into someone else’s drama, as in Mary Worth?

Was everybody else busy and you had to get your holiday greetings from someone peripheral and random, à la Abbey the Wonderdog in Rex Morgan, M.D.?

Or were you fobbed off on some generic winter scene that had nothing to do with anyone you know or have even heard of, as in Judge Parker?

Or, perhaps worst of all, did you have to spend the week staring into the dead, soulless eyes of your hideous square-headed family, as in Gil Thorp?

OH FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, MAKE THEM STOP STARING AT ME! AAAHHHHHH!

Ahem. Anyhoo, not a whole lot of great interest to report in the comics, as they mostly treaded water during a low-readership week. The most action took place among the foobs, most of which was easily predicted and won’t be rehashed here. There were a few bright spots, though. Mark Trail featured this happy, non-beaver-slaughtering scene:

I don’t know what’s creepier: the chipper “Thanks for not killing the beavers!”, or the way daddy’s fondling that chicken leg.

Speaking of beavers, Barreto needs to get back to Judge Parker ASAP before Sophie turns into one permanently.

In non-beaver news, Mary Worth can pretend that she’s dreaming about her not-boyfriend, but thought balloons don’t lie: her main interest, as always, is herself.

And in Milford, we learn that the aesthetic requirements for “favorite couple” are shockingly low.

And! You may have missed your chance to give the gift of Comics Curmudgeon gear for Christmas, but Valentine’s Day is coming up! What better way to say “I love you” than a shirt bearing the crazed rantings of a drunk? Faithful reader Genetic Mishap, who designed this logo, here re-enacts this classic scene:

She also illustrates that the shirt also works when you’re not imitating comics characters:

Operators are standing by, so buy yours today!

Finally, let’s get the new year off on a good foot with a tacky joke about cancer:

Funky Winkerbean, 1/1/07

See, they totally set up a great Yul Brynner joke here and then completely failed to follow through with it.

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Kids, tomorrow we depart for our multicity, multifamily Christmastime sprint. Since trying to do a post every day from the road will pretty much kill my holiday cheer, the site will be on hiatus until the new year. However, as a holiday send-off, I present, a bit early, the COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“Brooke McEldowney is obviously a big leg man, so I guess he doesn’t have much time for jaws.” –Artist Formerly Known as Ben

And the runners up! Despite the abbreviated week, there’s an awful lot of them that struck me as funny…

“Boy, that Deanna’s some quick thinker, huh? ‘How will Santa get in without a chimney?’ ‘Uh — magic!’ ‘What kind of magic?’ ‘It’s a secret!’ She could at least have come up with something involving Ned Tanner and the toilet.” –rich

“Why do Mary Worth storylines start with so much promise but end with this boring talking business? It’s like if the sexy plumber came in to the hot lonely housewife’s place spouting cheesy double-entendres, and then they spent the next hour discussing plumbing rates.” –Citric

“I think Lu Ann’s stunning attractiveness (to the paper people in the little boxes) is based entirely on her being a blonde. Just like Margo is a bitch because she has dark hair and wears it up and Tommie is a deeply-closeted lesbian because she’s a redhead with a boyish bob.” –Jonathan Bogart

“I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this horny docent guy comes back, and that his name turns out to begin with the letter ‘D.’ I just want to refer to him as ‘Dave the Doughy Docent’ so bad.” –Trilobite

“Given all the aggravation Gary Dent is going through, you’d think that Ella was manufacturing light trucks in her apartment. Dent’s hissy fit stretches the credulity of the idea that he could impress a minimum of two women — his wife and a mistress — to the breaking point.” –King Folderol

“But I shouldn’t mock. It’s these literary devices — inexplicable pronoun use; deus ex punching in the mouth; fundamental struggles like Bear vs. Man, Bear vs. Nature, Bear vs. Its Own Kind, and Bear vs. Hostility; tight POV on Lucky the Beaver — that separate Mark Trail from the other nature-based comics featuring a character called Ranger Rick on the market today.” –Laura

“Even before I read Josh’s comments re A3G, I wondered why everyone thinks Lu Ann is so dang attractive. She’s clearly special needs, what with her wide-eyed innocence and constant need to vocalize her inability to find her way around large buildings. Those tricks would never work for me, but then I’m a brunette.” –velouria73

“I’m kinda hoping Becky winds up having her baby on the floor of the comic book store. It’s probably the only time a guy with a ‘Frodo Lives’ T-shirt is going to be in the same room as a woman who isn’t wearing pants.” –SmartPeopleOnIce

“What’s with the emphasis on ‘see’ in Rex Morgan panel 3? ‘I see where this is going?’ What are you trying to clarify, that you don’t smell where this is going?” –Sam L.

“You walk into the room/ with your fishbowl in your hand/ the doctor points to you and he says, what’s that man/ you try so hard/but you can’t understand/ just what you will say to your fish bones/ because six things are different here/ but you don’t know what that is/ do you mister Jones?” –dramashoes

“Beetle clearly suffers from some pretty serious narcolepsy. It’s a good thing he lives in Beetle Bailey, where nobody will ever laugh at him even by accident.” –Rhekarid

“I like to imagine that the books in Deanna’s hands are examples she’s culled for him. ‘Look, this is a real novel! It has a plot! And very few adverbs! Nobody exclaims anything! And you went back in and saved that piece of crap while I had to deal with two hysterical children. God I wish they weren’t yours!'” –MaryAnnTheRest

“To all those who feel a little guilt about enjoying Michael Patterfoob’s demise — yeah, I agree, I felt a little weird getting up every day to read the paper and root for ‘fire.'” –mumbles

“Oh, yeah, Crock’s the real thing, where ‘real’ is a euphemism for ‘sad, actually, and kinda off-putting.'” –Michael

“Once again, we see that human emotion is completely alien to Margo. It’s not a scream of terror, it’s not begging for mercy, so she has no idea what that disgusting sound is.” –Trent

“I wonder how this Mark Trail storyline will finally conclude. My god … is it possible to type that without dying a little inside?” –Joe

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2006 has been a pretty amazing year for this blog. I’m getting more than twice as many daily visitors today than I was in January, and if you go back to the archives for that month, you’ll see that it was a rarity for a post to get more than 75 comments or so; the last post I put up has gotten more than 100 comments in just a few hours! I’m glad you all enjoy the site and the community that’s grown up around it, and I’m looking forward to having fun with all of you in 2007!