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Hey folks, in case anyone was coming to my comedy show this month (tonight) … it’s off this month for the holiday! Instead here’s your comment of the week … right here, right now!

“I’d posit Henry and the weightlifter are trapped in the featureless void of Purgatory, waiting for someone to pray for their release, while Dennis taunts them both with the sin of envy to try and lengthen their stay. Truly menacing!” –Michael Blum, on Twitter

And your runners up! Very funny!

“You DESERVE royal treatment, Andrzej — that’s why I’ve poisoned you. It’s the death of kings, my love.” –DNH

“Who’d have thought bacon, eggs and buttered toast for breakfast would suddenly start being unhealthy after 40 years? Certainly no one in this medical comic strip, that’s for sure!” –BigTed

“Meanwhile, across town, Rex’s ‘medical sense’ starts to tingle. Someone needs a doctor, and quickly. Good thing there are a lot of doctors in the world, he thinks, as he judges his approach to a tricky par 4.” –Voshkod

“So … Marvin can just straight up talk now? In complete sentences? That adults can fully understand? We’re just done with the Garfield-style thought bubbles? Okay, fine, I’m willing to accept all that. But if Marvin has progressed to the point that he’s able to use the word ‘technically,’ don’t you think he’d also be able to say ‘pajamas’? If there’s a Venn diagram of people who say ‘technically’ and people who say ‘jammies,’ those two circles don’t overlap.” –Joe Blevins

“‘If it’s hard, you’re guilty’ was also Slylock’s investigative method during the animal Lavender Scare.” –Ettorre

“Foxes do not sweat like humans. The droplets of water around Slylock’s face are the result of his needing to splash his face with a wet handkerchief in order to avoid passing out in the brutal heat. He considers this to be a more reasonable way to avoid heatstroke than loosening his tie, removing his suit coat, taking off his deerstalker hat, and not wearing that stupid cape. Shady Shrew will have an ironclad defense when he is put on trial, namely that Slylock’s testimony is that of an obvious idiot.” –seismic-2

“Dawn is absolutely saying the word ‘SOB!’ as she runs canters marionettes away. ‘CRY!’ she adds as she reaches the edge of the park. ‘BOO HOO,’ she adds coquettishly as she waits for Jared to shuffle limply after her, and ‘WEEEEEP’ she concludes after taking off again, limbs flailing morosely against the setting sun.” –els

“Do it, Jared. Yell ‘You were my brother, Dawn! I loved you!’ Be a Star Wars nerd legend.” –Dan

“Henry looks so devastated comparing himself to Mr. Clean there. He knows he is Mr. Dirty.” –Uncle Lumpy

“I assume the Pluggers team keep a stack of easy-to-draw submissions for a lazy Friday afternoon. If you spend most of your time having to draw broken-down trucks and stacked supermarket aisles, sometimes you just want to take a break and draw a plugger in a bleak void, staring at a grey line.” –Schroduck

“Dennis has decided to try and set up a gay affair for his father. Menace to heterosexual monogamy stopped being controversial in the 90s. 2/10″ –Dunkelcopter

“Generally speaking, I find it inexcusable when comics use gags that attempt to fit two parts of a joke across what would be a significant passage of time and often physical distance between lines. But this one here, where a daydrinking birdman mentions getting fired from his job, followed by what must be several hours of drinking in complete silence into the late evening before concluding his comment? This works.” –jroggs

“‘Designated drivers.’ No matter how hard Hi and Lois tries to do a baseball joke, it still comes out a golf joke.” –Peanut Gallery

“Every day, win, lose, or rainout. Yes, I said rainout. Sure, I used to blame my son for the mighty tempest that kept the boys off the diamond. But no more. My love for my son is complete again, and I reserve my spite for the gods who conspire to foil the works of man. Next question!” –Vice President John Adams

“Streaming Channel G spans the globe looking for G-related content. Producer to crew: ‘Hey, there’s some kid pitcher in Ohio who’s nearly blind and get this: He spells his name with three Gs!!!’” –Hibbleton

“What Dagwood is looking for is a mug custom-made of sugar glass, like they use in movies, so it won’t hurt when Dithers shatters it over his skull.” –cheech wizard

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Gil Thorp, 7/1/22

I guess we’re finally finding out why Gregg’s dad was so keen to hide his literary crimes: not because he feared the wrath and contempt of normies, who as Gil noted definitely do not care, but because he knew eventually his family’s fleeting fame would attract the attention of his erstwhile compatriots in the literary fraternity, who would deal with him in the way of their tribe, which is to say live, on-camera evisceration. “Do what you have to do!” he snarls. “I swore an oath, and the soil has hungered for my blood long enough!”

Blondie, 7/1/22

Man, this guys looks exactly like a dude that a legacy comic artist in 2004 would have had working behind the counter at their thinly veiled Best Buy analogue. You know, like a nerd, but the aggressive, vaguely cool kind. It’s real sad that retail trends have shifted and he’s been forced to find work at the novelty mug store, but he seems to have a good attitude about it.

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Mary Worth, 6/30/22

Look, I’m not what you’d call particularly “hip” (SAYS THE GUY WHO’S BEEN WRITING A BLOG ABOUT NEWSPAPER COMIC STRIPS FOR 15+ YEARS, ENTIRELY UNNECESSARILY), but there were some things I was onto “before they were cool,” and one of them was straight-up hating Jared. When did it become cool to hate Jared? Not sure, but it doesn’t matter, because I was in before that, as I hated him on sight, with the main reason being that his whole personal brand is that he’s just a klutzy, nerdy, nice guy, but he’s actually emotionally manipulative and also was very clearly interested in Dawn romantically from the very beginning, so leaving anguished voicemails demanding that she “remain” friends with him is frankly pretty rich. Anyway, Dawn is not great but Jared is terrible, so on this occasion I am rooting for a member of the Weston family to “win” this breakup, as much as that goes against all my values.

Shoe, 6/30/22

I admit, I probably go to the “the syndicated newspaper comic strip Shoe’s character are all bird-people, but the jokes they wrote for it make it seem like they forgot about that” well too often, and now I kind of feel like I’m the Boy Who Cried Unrealized Bird-Man Joke saying this, but: a strip about a man who got laid off from a job at the mirror factory with some vaguely mirror-related wordplay isn’t very funny, but a strip about a bird-man who got fired from his job at the mirror factory on his first day because he saw his own reflection and went crazy and attacked it would, I hope we can all agree, have been very funny indeed.

Sally Forth, 6/30/22

God damn I did not have “Ted Forth gets Oedipally cucked and also regular cucked by the same hot old dude” on my list of summer predictions, but you know what? I’m here for it. Here for it.

Hi and Lois, 6/30/22

“I mean, I’m drunk right now. I don’t want to be here at all!”