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Pardon My Planet, 6/13/20

So they’re gonna … dig up this guy? Who’s been dead for more than 20 years? And … they’re gonna make him pay his taxes? As near as I can tell there’s no famous tax cheat with the name and lifespan on that headstone, so maybe this is some sort of name-check of an acquaintance of the cartoonist, whose grieving family surely didn’t deserve this.

Beetle Bailey, 6/13/20

Generally speaking, those “delivery in [X] minutes or your pizza’s free” rebates come out of the driver’s paycheck, so I guess the joke here is that this guy is going to lose money because Beetle is holding him for a while at gunpoint.

Pluggers, 6/13/20

THAT’S RIGHT, MOTHERFUCKERS, PLUGGERS HAVE NEVER DONE A MOMENT’S INTROSPECTION IN THEIR LIVES AND THEY NEVER WILL

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Without any ado whatsoever, it’s time for your comment of the week!

“Notice the troll doll, symbolizing Trolls World Tour, the film that may have changed the course of history by bypassing theaters and going directly to streaming. To parents of young, hyperactive kids, the real heroes are the ones at DreamWorks Animation.” –Joe Blevins

And here are your very funny runners up!

“I love ‘Doctor Research,’ because it shows the semantic shift going full circle: Title for holder of expert knowledge -> Title for medical professional -> Generic title for superhero -> Title for super hero with medical background -> Superhero whose superpower is expert knowledge.” –Ettorre

“Everything in this strip looks vertically stretched. They must be foreshadowing the day when the unwatchable Lisa’s Story movie gets buried as a direct-to-video release in the wrong aspect ratio.” –Peanut Gallery

“I see Mark dialed back the affect on his Cherrybot 3000.” –ArtOfWargames, on Twitter

“So … the evidence ‘suggests’ that Count Weirdly ‘may’ be lying. Good luck in court, Slylock!” –Zla’od

“Have any of you ever heard of a guy losing his dog on vacation then trying to convince his family that the problem might solve itself?” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“You want your dehumidifier back? Fine. I’ll just keep my castle dry with my weather control device. I hope you like sunny days, because that’s all you’re getting from now on!” –A Concerned Reader

“For once in his life, Les is right. Lisa’s Story is not going to be Alien, since that was a good movie.” –seismic-2

“Mason pulling out a notepad and scribbling down, ‘bitter, petulant one-liners’ while whispering, ‘this is gold, keep going.’” –Dan

“Visiting an old man’s house right now is the most menacing thing he’s ever done, by the traditional metric of ‘Likelihood of ending in Mr. Wilson’s death.’” –matt w

“Dennis correctly points out that he and Mr. Wilson inhabit a timeless dimension inspired by the 1950s/60s period that most old white Americans would classify as the ‘Good Old Days.’ Last week was nothing but idyllic suburban life topped with meatloaf and ice cream, and the forecast for next week is the same thing. What’s your problem, man?” –pugfuggly

“If Saul is grumpy, maybe it’s because he still realizes that tens of millions of dollars worth of prime ocean-view property is being devoted to walking paths and water-thirsty landscaping around Charterstone, yet the condo board, dominated by Mary and Toby, refuses to allow any further development whatsoever. And since Saul will soon have his heart melted by a young person whom he might eventually want to mention in his will, he’d like his estate to include more than a heavily mortgaged two-bedroom that was last renovated in 1956.” –BigTed

“I like to think that Plato’s ‘Science Facts‘ is just Maxwell’s Laws and the Schrodinger equation, plus the text ‘go figure it out yourself.’ The dinosaur trivia is just Plato’s desperate attempt to make small talk.” –Marcus Theory

“I don’t blame Beatty for setting it up this way. After all, Rex actually doing regular medical work is a bigger ‘twist’ in this story than however he met June.” –2+2=7

“Leroy is the participation trophy of husbands. Somewhere, a single woman in the Lockhorns universe reaches middle age. A tube empties of goo, and a single Leroy, one of millions, steps out. When she wakes up, she will discover him in her house and a ring on her finger. Whether she wanted it or not, she has received her participation trophy, and there are no returns.” –Corynaut

“Loretta admits that Leroy isn’t really the problem and that she herself has never made more than a token effort. Call their bearded marriage counselor, this sounds like a breakthrough.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

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The Lockhorns, 6/12/20

One thing I never get tired of reminding my fellow Olds who have become accustomed to using “millennial” as a synonym for “teen” is that the youngest millennials are adults in their mid-20s at this point and the oldest ones are middle-aged fogies in their late 30s. And while it’s never clear exactly how old Leroy and Loretta are supposed to be, it’s fully possible that they are, in fact, millennials. Today’s joke, then, was clearly inevitable.

Six Chix, 6/12/20

Honestly, how long have you been a cat owner that you haven’t already viewed cat food as pre-poop?

Dennis the Menace, 6/12/20

Dennis is so solipsistic that he believes that everyone is either trying to communicate with him or waiting for him to communicate with them, with no other options. Extremely menacing.