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Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/30/18

Several different uninteresting storylines featuring uninteresting sets of characters intersected at Buck and Mindy’s Vegas wedding, and so the big question after that was: what boring nonsense was going to come up on the bland Rex Morgan, M.D., slot machine after everybody parted ways? The “winners” turn out to be the Hanks, making their way across America one dumb roadside attraction at a time — except Hank Sr. has decided he’s going to go back to Millie’s diner and win back her heart. But now nobody is answering the phone at the diner!!!! Will our heroes stumble into a robbery or a fire or some similarly dramatic situation??? Or will it just be that things were really slammed and nobody picked up the phone, yes, that’s the more likely alternative, the much, much less exciting thing, that’s the one that’s happening.

Mark Trail, 8/30/18

Oh, it appears Mark’s reputation has preceded him here south of the border, down Mexico way, and what does that reputation consist of? Well, we know he hates evil-doers. We know he particularly hates those evil-doers who illicitly traffic in the cultural heritage of the indigenous peoples of the Americas. And we know that when he gets angry, vehicles explode. Jo(s)e’s precious classic car … ice cream truck … thing is not long for this world, is what I’m saying!

Dennis the Menace, 8/30/18

You’ve taken your five-year-old to a live performance fancy enough to require a jacket and tie … and he announces his intention to peacefully and quietly sleep through it, allowing all the other theater-goers, who appear to universally be adults, to enjoy the show? That is literally the least menacing possible scenario here

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Mary Worth, 8/29/18

Oh, man, this Mary Worth, plot is getting really great right away, and having written that I realize it sounds sarcastic but I promise that it is not. What do you think it is that makes Mr. Wynter so unlikeable? Is he just a lonely, emotionally needy old man who will latch onto anyone who makes eye contact and drain them of energy with endless boring conversation? Is he a gross pervy weirdo who makes everyone, but especially members of the Charterstone early-middle-aged trophy wife set that comprises Toby’s peer group, profoundly uncomfortable? We also can’t discount the possibility that “Mr. Wynter” is the dog’s name, and he’s just really bitey.

Judger Parker, 8/29/18

Oh, right, I haven’t been keeping you up with Judge Parker, like, at all, but basically the CIA tracked down April and her father to their safe house not particularly safe cabin out in the woods, and he’s decided to sacrifice himself for her, going down in a hail of bullets while April escapes. And now she’s going to keep running, keep running until there’s no one left to chase her … or, as she appears to be doing in panel two, keep ambling, just keep just kind of gently jogging away from the dozens of trained assassins who want her dead until they lose interest, I guess.

Mark Trail, 8/29/18

Hey, remember when Rusty thought there was an ancient Aztec temple called Chicken Itza? Remember when Rusty almost got killed by a tree? Remember when Rusty got stuck under a car? I wouldn’t worry about how smart these kids are, is what I’m saying.

Pluggers, 8/29/18

It’s not clear what terrifies pluggers more: emotional intimacy or any reminder of their own mortality.

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Mark Trail, 8/28/18

Oh, wow, a genuine twist! It seems that Rusty and Mara’s lovable pal/personal chauffeur Jose is in on the artifact-napping ring! I’m not sure if taking Rusty and Mara directly to the location where the big artifact exchange was going down and letting them roam around unsupervised while drool-napping was the master plan laid out by “Joe”‘s presumably gringo bosses, or if our guy is just too darn sleepy to be an effective henchman. But the important thing we’ve learned is that, while north of the border a “gig” is a woman who enjoys sex, south of the Rio Grande it refers to “an elaborate scheme to plunder Mexico’s cultural heritage.” Please make a note of it.

Gil Thorp, 8/28/18

Gil has finally decided how he’s going to combat cheating: he’s going to have his own very special Milford Invitation Golf Tournament To Which No Cheaters Are Invited! I mean, presumably this tournament doesn’t have the prestige of whatever tournament the cheating kids got to go to, but, when you think about it, how much prestige does any given golf tournament have, anyway, I mean, really, come on, it’s frickin’ golf, man.