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Dick Tracy, 2/18/19

In case for some reason you’re interested in how the various strands of the current Dick Tracy plot fit together: Splitface, who used to be Haf and Haf, also used to be married to Zelda the high diver, who is also Vitamin Flintheart’s goddaughter, and was I think going to go on a date with the drunkard playing Dick in the play Vitamin is in, but then she got kidnapped by Splitface, who used to be Haf and Haf and also her husband, despite the fact that she had been assigned a police protection detail because Splitface, who used to be Haf and Haf, had sworn vengeance on her for some reason I forget now, possibly because he’s insane, I dunno, it’s Dick Tracy, it’s not super nuanced. Anyway, it sure is a lousy break for Zelda, isn’t it? Getting kidnapped by her deranged ex-husband, who presumably wants to murder her or worse? Just a piece of darn rotten luck that certainly the agency that knew about the threat to her and promised to protect her isn’t responsible for in any way.

Family Circus, 2/18/19

Oh, snap, is the Family Circus going to get political? It’s a good thing Big Daddy Keane is wearing that kevlar vest, as this single-panel comic in which kids say the darndest things was the last bit of shared pop culture holding our frayed national fabric together, and now that’s “gone partisan” the violent civil war is about to erupt.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/18/19

Ha ha, it’s funny because Linda has to choose between retiring comfortably and spending time with her addled husband as he rapidly declines! Like, literally, that’s the joke here in today’s knee-slapping Funky Winkerbean, a newspaper comic they print where children can see it!

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Marvin, 2/17/19

I know the joke here is that Jeff is swearing continuously while shoveling but has to briefly stop while his son is within earshot so he doesn’t pass on any bad habits. But honestly, the more realistic scenario is that Jeff is doing that innocent whistling thing as he pretends not to notice that Marvin — who, remember, is a toddler who should probably be supervised at all times — is just wandering past him and trudging out into the icy winter landscape, presumably to his death.

Panel from The Lockhorns, 2/17/19

I really appreciate the point-of-view we’re getting in this panel. It’s as if we’re being invited to imagine what the Lockhorns’ home would seem like through the eyes of something in their refrigerator: long hours of silence and darkness, punctuated by brief moments where you get a glimpse of them attempting to passive-aggressively wear one another down emotionally.

Spider-Man, 2/17/19

MJ’s coup de grâce seems to be based on the assumption that if they can’t see Killgrave, he will no longer be a threat. Soon our heroes will face their most powerful foe yet: object permanence.

Mary Worth, 2/17/19

Ah, so Toby is explaining to Ian that he shouldn’t get too fixated on any one attractive young woman who says nice things about him, because probably there are lots of attractive young women who are lusting after him all the time! Can’t see anything going wrong with this plan.

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The Phantom, 2/16/19

Tragically, the Nomad’s teen daughter would rather hurl herself off the roof of the Bangallan Consulate than live torn away from her family, which she now knows was a nest of terrorists all along. This will be doubly awkward for our heroes. It will make Heloise’s escape from the country, with the President in tow, all the more suspicious if her helicopter zooms away from the site of a public and gory suicide; plus, Kadia was a Bangallan flag rank officer, which means her next of kin is entitled to a generous military pension. Looks like the Nomad’s prison commissary account will be fully stocked!

Spider-Man, 2/16/19

Sorry I haven’t been keeping you up to date on the action in Spider-Man! Killgrave had his full powers restored and was about to force Spider-Man and Luke Cage to kill one another, but fortunately MJ managed to completely disable his near-omnipotent voice by whacking him in the throat with a small piece of metal. And if you think it’s kind of unsatisfying that our superheroes were saved by a completely non-super-powered ally, don’t worry: she also did it entirely by dumb luck. Anyway, I assume Killgrave has been permanently defeated by this extremely mild throat injury, seeing as everyone is just kind of standing around chatting about it rather than attempting to, like, cover his mouth or tie him up or something.

Dick Tracy, 2/16/19

I honestly can’t work up much energy to appreciate or even recap the two or so storylines going on in Dick Tracy right now, but I have to admit that I’m intrigued by the apparently introduction of a new one, about a sportswriter … who stabs.

Mary Worth, 2/16/19

Just want to point out that Ian had a clear chance to say “No, Toby, of course I wasn’t having an emotional affair with Jannie” and he 100% did not take it! I mean, technically an emotional affair has to involve reciprocation, but still.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/16/19

Brayden is lucky he has that sweater to ward off the desert cold, but Rex? Rex just got to smugly correct someone by saying “That’s a common misconception,” and the glow from that will keep him warm for hours.