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Mary Worth, 11/22/18

This Thanksgiving, I am extremely thankful that Mary Worth is going to be adopting, or possibly fostering, a cat. Am I a cat guy? Follow me on Instagram to find out how big a yes that is! Am I concerned that, like many stories about cats, this one will involve negative behavior that puts my favorite domesticated animal in a bad light? Also yes! Am I ecstatic about the image of a horrified Mary Worth trying to figure out how to get cat vomit — or, better, cat urine — out of her her precious, precious upholstery? You’d better believe that’s a yes.

Dick Tracy, 11/22/18

Apparently I’m not the only one miffed that Dick Tracy is taking time away from its usual focus on crime to diddle around with fax machines and invoice processing! Indeed, these tedious details have in fact distracted Polar Vortex’s crime syndicate from its primary focus (crime). Maybe if we only get all the criminals into legitimate side hustles like estate management, they’ll be too busy to do crimes!

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Gasoline Alley, 11/21/18

Gosh, it’s been [checks notes] six weeks since I’ve updated you on the endless, onanistic celebration of the 100th anniversary of Gasoline Alley, which for the record is still ongoing, but let me assure that nothing of any real interest has happened in all that time, a trend that continues more or less today. A seeming eternity ago (though it was probably only a few days or something, I am not going to look it up for the sake of this joke, I do not believe that it’s worth it on any level) the action got hijacked by Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, furious that their upcoming 100th anniversary was being ignored, and today, in this possibly non-canon episode, we finally learn from Snuffy exactly what the Code of the Hills entails: immediately responding to anything that might be interpreted as even a minor slight to your honor by shooting your antagonist in the head.

Family Circus, 11/21/18

Ha ha, it’s funny because Ma Keane is so, so lonely! Normally when I do the “Ha ha, it’s funny because…” bit on this site, I’m deliberately reading against the grain of the intended joke, or at least exaggerating it, but “it’s funny because Ma Keane is so, so lonely” is 100% what the punchline is supposed to convey here. It’s real dark!

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Mark Trail, 11/20/18

It’s no secret that I haven’t been a fan of this Mark Trail storyline as it drags endlessly along. But at least I had high hopes for Cool Motorcycle Guy. What twists did he have in store for us? Like, was he going to murder Rusty, or have some weird backstory with Mark, or what? And so, now that he’s on a roof, getting into an extremely petty verbal altercation with a toucan … well, I’m not going to say I hate it, because obviously I love it. But I did expect a more dignified denouement for our friend here.

Dennis the Menace, 11/20/18

Dennis, I am genuinely disappointed in you. This isn’t menacing at all. This is some sub-Jeffy Keane darnedest thing saying. Unless you have some sinister plan to accelerate the earth’s rotation so that, briefly, day and night alternately so quickly that the terms lose all meaning right before we all die in fire and horror. But that seems a little beyond your menacing capabilities, so I’m going to go with “oh, you’re just a moron.”