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Mark Trail, 3/31/18

Ha ha, Marlin looks horrified in that last panel, doesn’t he! “Wow, I thought … I thought I would just come by and deliver some cages, maybe tranq an elephant or two. But apparently, I’m going to have to punch out a rhino. I’m probably gonna die in the process, or at least be horribly injured, but it looks like I don’t have any choice in the matter.”

Funky Winkerbean, 3/31/18

“By which I mean things will soon give rise to a massive explosion that will poison the area around it for years.

Hi and Lois, 3/31/18

So, uh, Thirsty has been immobile out in his lawn chair in various types of inclement weather for two weeks now? That … that can’t good.

Judge Parker, 3/31/18

Remember the last lady the then-future Judger Parker Jr. urged to “call me Randy“? She was just an innocent paralegal named April who didn’t even know how to use chopsticks, who later turned out to be a CIA assassin and member of a family of arms dealers and international criminals and probably did know how to use chopsticks, very well, and also how to use various deadly knives and other killing implements. What I’m trying to say is that we’re going to find out some real dirt on Toni Bowen sometime in, say, 2023.

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You know the drill by now, everyone: next Friday is the first Friday of the month, so it’s time to add the Internet Read Aloud to your Los Angeles to-do list:

Also you should add “enjoy the comment of the week” to your calendar as well:

“Do you know what craftsmanship is? What pride in your work is? It is meticulously drawing the blackheads that pock an old man’s nose. The liver spots that mar his forehead. That is truth. That is art. That is Crankshaft, a true labor of loathe.” –Voshkod

The runners up? Also worth fitting into your schedule:

“‘Lookout Point?’ says Wilbur quietly, his eyes shifting. ‘Are you going to kill me, Mary? Or is this pity sex?’ Mary’s grip on the wheel tightens as her eyes stay fixed on the road. ‘Honestly, Wilbur, I haven’t decided.’” –lorne

“We’ve suspected it for weeks, and today’s inspirational quote confirms it: Wilbur is going to cope with his loneliness by following Dawn to Europe and headbutting the first Italian he sees.” –jroggs

“When Mary says ‘We all make mistakes,’ she realizes hers was letting him in her car.” –Maltmash3r

“Jesus, guys, you’re supposed to say the promo code. We talked about this.” –Joe Blevins

“The numbers are now in, and this one hideous ‘cartoon’ has negated over 7,500 cute puppy photos on Facebook alone.” –Mark Taylor, on Facebook

“Generally when adults stumbling up on each other watching porn, we have the decency to quickly turn away and pretend it never happened. Treating Crankshaft like a child somehow made me feel sympathy for him. And that I can never forgive.” –Alan

“I wish I could read any of the words in this strip at all, but my eyes are just transfixed on the angle that chair reclines and the width of the headrest. Is that was first class is like? I don’t care what he’s done in the past, I am firmly on Team Nomad from here on out.” –pugfuggly

“I’m charmed by how Milford is so unswervingly polite that the worst insult a pirate radio heckler station can come up with is ‘We don’t like you, Marty Moon!’ In a town where everyone is on full-name basis with everyone, this is truly the height of disrespect. No wonder Marty Moon has a drinking problem so often, if he has to live with a world where his rivals don’t like him.” –Enlong

How are you doing? Life still in shambles?” –TheDiva

“‘Try the mirror.’ What a Shyamalan twist! Mr. Wilson was the glasses all along!” –Ettore

“Does whatever a spider can! Like being gently guided away from danger by middle-aged editors. If only JJJ had a glass and piece of cardstock.” –Janna L., on Twitter

Are you trying to get yourself killed, man? Because if you are, I’m totally into that! Talk about SPLOOSH! Dead Spider-Man = clean-up, aisle Jameson!” –els

“The only probable cause Tracy needs to knock a confession out of someone is that they refuse to wear a colorful hat.” –BigTed

Funky Winkerbean: where even the pizza looks like it’s about to commit suicide.” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“Wow. They can text restraining orders now?” –But What Do I Know?

“The only reason anyone would send a nude pic in the Funkyverse is to provide evidence of their melanoma diagnosis.” –nescio

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And we need to give a big shout-out to our advertisers:

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Funky Winkerbean, 3/30/18

Yesterday Mopey Pete told Darin that he and Mindy were “taking it slow,” by which he meant only communicating by email, which wasn’t “funny” per se, and also turns out to not be “true” either. Anyway, today apparently Mindy texted him a nude pic, which Pete immediately showed to Darin, because he’s a real class act!

Marvin, 3/30/18

Usually toys are only recommended for older kids because they’re choking hazards — like, babies will shove anything into their mouths, so if toys are too small or have parts that break off easily, they can easily kill the baby. So I say go for it, kids!

Dick Tracy, 3/30/18

Stung to death by a giant jellyfish with a cute name? Finally, a death worthy of the hall of fame!