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Mary Worth, 1/22/18

Welp, it looks like our “Wilbur gets scam-dumped and then cockblocked by a hot rich millennial” storyline somehow managed to end with Wilbur strutting through a park alone and deluding himself about what a great dad he is, so it’s time for a new plot! And it looks like it’s going to feature Mary’s boyfriend Dr. Jeff after an awfully long absence. Presumably he’ll be around just long enough to introduce his friend (note: Dr. Jeff does not, to my knowledge, have any friends) Ted Miller, who’s quite a character, which 100% means he’s going to be an insufferable nightmare who will throw Mary’s world, and the Charterstone community in general, into chaos. I’m excited!

Beetle Bailey, 1/22/18

Also starting a new plotline this Monday: Beetle Bailey! We begin in media res, with the backstory on what catastrophe has left much of the world outside Camp Swampy a patchwork of uninhabitable “contaminated zones” that the military must enter on mysterious and dangerous missions presumably being filled in at some point later in the week.

Blondie, 1/22/18

Ha ha, uh, remember a couple of weeks ago when I made a joke about Elmo spending all his time at the Bumsteads’ because of his volatile, violent home life? The best part here is how Blondie just kind of stares at Elmo silently as she lets him in, as if she’s gobsmacked and just now putting together his tragic backstory.

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Dick Tracy, 1/21/18

Dick Tracy is one of the lucky few sci-fi-ish franchises that have run so long that they’ve seen real life overtake their signature gee-whiz future tech. Just as Star Trek’s 1960s-era communicators look ludicrously bulky compared to the actual communication devices of the year 2018, Dick Tracy’s signature wrist wizards are basically everyday technology in the ’10s. Whatever advantages they have in sleekness (presumably they don’t need to sync to a cell phone) or style (is that an analog clock taking up a good quarter of its UI?), they lose a million points for subtlety, especially if, for instance, they’re being used by an police officer working deep undercover within the criminal apparatus. It looks like T-Bolt (actual name “Lee Ebony,” and I’ll leave it up to you as to which is more cringeworthy) should’ve just used a burner phone from 7-11 like a normal person.

Gasoline Alley, 1/21/18

Hey, uh, do the first two panels in the second row imply what I think they’re implying? Gasoline Alley HQ is going to find itself on the receiving end of a Blue Lives Matter protest in short order if so.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 1/21/18

Oh, snap, sexists, I bet you failed to figure out this mystery because you forgot that girls can be gamers too! This is like that “the surgeon was his mother” riddle, but updated for our current era (our current era, it goes without saying, is extremely stupid).

Spider-Man, 1/21/18

Finally, after months of build-up, it’s time for the super-powered battle between Spider-Man and the Lizard that we’ve been waiting for! [one panel later] Ah, well, uh, let’s see if the Hulk can handle this.

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Family Circus, 1/20/18

In less than two weeks, Dolly’s anxiety has escalated from worries that God is ignoring her to worries that God will soon abandon His creation entirely! Mommy Keane looks concerned, possibly over Dolly having intrusive and unhelpful thoughts but also possibly because she fears the child is a prophet, and the prophecies she has for us are terrifying.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/20/18

You know, ever since Terry Beatty took over this strip, it’s been a little less of a blatant series of wish fulfillment scenarios for the Morgans, but I have to imagine that they still appreciate the outcome of this conflict: with their antagonists making an appointment with their lawyer so they can grovel for forgiveness in person.