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Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/16/17

It’s no secret that the last exciting thing that happened in Rex Morgan was Sarah getting hit by a car, but with each new story I allow myself to experience a frisson of hope. Sure, “June’s childhood best friend comes to visit” may not seem like it has a lot of meat to it, but the presence of her child has my “I’m planning on crashing with you indefinitely” sense tingling. Remember when June’s trashy cousin showed up and wouldn’t leave because she’d had a fight with her mom, and Sarah verbalized the class-based judgements that her parents were more subtle about, and then the cousin’s dumb boyfriend showed up too and Sarah made him hand over his skateboard as his price for laying low in the basement, but eventually he painted whales in his basement prison and June’s cousin got a job as a manicurist so everything worked out fine? That was great, and what I’m trying to say is that this lady and her kid better be fleeing a dicey domestic situation, or creditors, or the Irish mob, or something interesting, or else I’m gonna be real mad.

Spider-Man, 7/16/17

The amount of time Mole-Man spends justifying the plundering of Subterranea’s public treasury for his own private gain as he fled his former realm indicates that he knows exactly how unjustified the whole thing is. “Look, uh, I left most of it behind! My former subjects, who did all the manual labor to extract it, are welcome to it! If they depose my successor! The part I took was just a tiny, tiny bit! And what about strip-mining, huh? If it’s a crime for me to bring some precious gems out of the underground kingdom, where does that leave every mining company in the world, huh?” Still, his retelling of the story does provide the opportunity for him to both use the phrase “worm-mount” and to show us said worm-mount, a freakish lamprey-mouthed beast hundreds of feet long with treasure chests lashed to its back that Mole-Man is riding like a pony, so literally anything he does from here on out is forgiven as far as I’m concerned.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 7/16/17

THE ANSWER IS HE LICKED IT

HE JUST UP AND LICKED COUNT WEIRDLY’S SKI-DOO

I’M SORRY, “SUPER SKI”

I GUESS SKI-DOO IS A BRAND NAME

ANYWAY, HE LICKED IT, TO SEE IF IT TASTED SALTY

SLY, WE NEED TO TALK

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Mary Worth, 7/15/17

Good news, everyone! Katie and Derek’s marital difficulties are solved, as long as Derek maintains a steadfast refusal to look at anyone other than his wife. Because if sees someone else and they happen to be smoking, Derek will want to fuck them. Not because he’s horny or a cheater, you understand, but just because that’s the quickest route to access to some sweet, sweet cigarettes. That blond fellow in panel one, enjoying a quick vacation in flavor country? Derek would’ve fucked that guy and fucked him good if he hadn’t been staring straight ahead. And then afterwards, when dude was still basking in the afterglow, Derek would’ve grabbed his cigs and been gone.

Hi and Lois, 7/15/17

Aw, is Hi sad because his family doesn’t want to hang out with him? Well, Lois is sad because she’s chained forever to someone with a crushing narrowness of imagination.

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Hey all! Your comment of the week in a moment, but first: I saw some comments this week about a video ad that was causing the page to move around and make things more difficult to read and comment. I believe that I have successfully removed the ad that was causing the problem and now I’m experimenting with some other ads. You may need to shift-reload the page to see the new layout. If you’re still experiencing that problem, or encountering some new ones that you think arise from the ads, please let me know ASAP! And the way to let me know truly as soon as possible is to email me at bio@jfruh.com, not to post a comment about it.

And now, with that out of the way: your comment of the week!

“Ha ha, kids sure say the darnedest things! I mean, not today, obviously, but sometimes, yeah!” –pugfuggly

And your hilarious runners up!

“Hmmmm, a ‘baby,’ they say….nope, not ringing a bell.” –Tigernan Douglas Pournelle, on Facebook

“On 4th thought, people used to write directly to me at Gasoline Alley before they complicated addresses! They stopped writing when they had to add an extra 5 digits! When I finish wrapping up this mail bomb I’ll finally have my revenge on Mr. ZIP!” –nescio

“Her name is ‘Charlotte’. Her code name is ‘Sungirl 734’, but her handlers in the KGB just call her ‘Comrade Baby.’” –seismic-2

“Is there a way a reader could break through the wall and ask April what’s going on? Is she safe? Is the baby safe? Is she, in fact, a traitor? I already know everything I need to know about Randy.” –Northernlurker

“‘I do declare the very thought of Mr. Trail gives me the vapors,’ said Lesley, carefully angling herself toward the fainting couch her boss bought just for these occasions.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“I’m trying to decode the expression on the plugger’s face. Terror? Shame? Grim fascination? All three? ‘Please, God, say that came out of the car and not out of me!’” –Joe Blevins

“Jeez, creepy old man in Gasoline Alley. The kid is already unconscious. No need to throw shuriken at him. Good thing you have no depth perception or you might have hurt him like a mackerel, or those fish you caught.” –Voshkod

“Our culture is so obsessed with ancestral roots and pristine culture that there is little space for the experience of mixed children, who are under pressure to define a straightforward identity. This is heavy stuff from a strip all about shitting yourself.” –Ettore

“It’s a good thing Bill Watterson’s Calvin and Hobbes strip doesn’t still run in newspapers, or Sarah might realize that comic characters can actually have fun.” –BigTed

“I know there’s no dress code at a comic con, but Marianne is wearing a frumpy t-shirt, Cliff is dressed for his own funeral, and Conan is auditioning for the part of Arthur ‘the Fonz’ Fonzarelli in Happy Days: The Movie.” –Hogen the Mogen

“The Rise & Fall of Nazi Germany, by Mort Walker.” –Steve S

“I have to admire the Lt. Colonel for his commitment to following orders as the two officers walked silently from the office, checked out of their base, went to their respective houses, changed into civilian clothes, gathered their golf clubs from the garage, and awkwardly carpooled over to the golf course. ‘Any minute now,’ he thought, ‘He’ll order me to speak again and I can finally tell him about my views on central banks and how the country went straight to hell after we abandoned the gold standard.’” –Dread

“The man being pushed out the window represents the Patriarchy, which has been holding back the collective artists of the strip reaching their full potential these many years. The fact that it is sloppily drawn is ironic, for once.” –Rusty

“I’ll bet you dollars to donuts that Dithers and Bumstead buy their PJs at the same shop.” –DaveInPgh

“While Melvin’s commodity-dependent wealth scheme is certainly resistant to inflation, he should have proven oil reserves at a minimum if he’s going to vault into the world’s richest circle. And if he’s to out-compete Doc Ock’s tentacl.com, he’ll need some form of social media strategy as well. The ‘Moles Only’ site and a pocketful of stolen DeBeers’ property will get you nowhere.” –pastordan

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