Better Half, 5/1/13
Let’s check in with Stanley and Harriet, everybody’s favorite sad, disoriented comics couple! Today we learn the shocking truth: Are Stanley and Harriet sad and disoriented because they’re blotto on prescription meds, all the time? All the pill bottles stacked up on the kitchen counter imply that the answer is yes! Stanley peers through the pharmaceutical haze and remembers that there was a simpler, better time in his life when he didn’t feel this way, though his drug-addled brain can’t express this thought in any coherent way.
Biz, on the other hand, has chosen not to turn his golden years into a dim, druggy twilight. Though he suffers the aches and pains of old age, his mind and vision are clear, and he intends to confront death in his own way. (That way involves screaming in terror.)
Is there significance to the fact that “Dr. Bobo” looks exactly like Ziggy? Or, for that matter, that the “real” doctor looks more or less like Ziggy as well? Is this all happening inside Ziggy’s sad, spherical noggin?
Dennis the Menace, 5/1/13
Sorry, Dennis, that’s not anywhere near cute enough to merit a post on Mom’s blog, and those Google AdSense payments are all that are standing between you and community college, so we’re going to stay here until you say something blogworthy if it takes all day, do you understand?
Mary Worth, 4/30/13
Oh my goodness, you guys, it looks like we are about to get Mary Worth’s version of the immovable object/unstoppable force problem! You see, on the one hand, the thing that Mary likes more than anything else is seeing young people matched up into happily heteronormative couples — particularly couples like Tom and Beth, who she has selected for eternal happiness with her inscrutable Mary Powers. ON THE OTHER HAND, there is nothing Mary Worth hates more than lies and dishonesty. But what if the only way to ensure that Beth and Tom could get to know each other better, in a romantic but wholesome way, would involve Mary lying? What path will she choose? I sure hope she chooses lying, because (a) Mary lying, even in the cause of love, should be delightfully awkward, made even more so by the fact that (b) Mary, Tom, and Beth’s mom Elinor all live in the same condo complex, so there’s a good chance that the lying will take the following form:
MARY answers the door. ELINOR is standing in the hall.
ELINOR: Have you seen my daughter Beth? I’m worried that she’s whoring herself over at that man-slut Tom’s apartment.
MARY: Oh-h-h-h, of course not, Elinor! Beth is here in my apartment tonight.
ELINOR: Oh. Can I come in and see her?
ELINOR: Why not?
MARY: [Stands silently, smiling, for a long time, like, a really long time, things get uncomfortable real fast but she just keeps standing there silently, forever]
Well might Grossie’s Friend Whose Name I Forget (sigh, sadly “Grossie” is a name that will never, ever leave my brain) look dubious in panel three. If Grossie is so good at spotting plastic surgery from so far away, shouldn’t she notice her tablemate’s nose, pointing up at an impossibly taut angle, presumably being held in place by some kind of industrial-strength facelift technology?
This week’s “Marvin does variations on a dumb joke all week” involves the li’l scamp uploading “feet photos” onto Facebook. Can someone confirm or deny to me that this is an actual thing that people do? I tried Googling “feet photos Facebook” and got some extremely traumatizing results so I had to go take a walk and not look at the computer for a while.
(Side note: remember when CrySpace was the baby-themed social network of choice in the Marvinverse, back in 2009? I guess we can’t pretend that MySpace is relevant enough to be spoofed anymore. Not that we could pretend this in 2009 either, but you know.)
Ha ha, wouldn’t it be funny if they made an Indiana Jones movie in the modern day, with Harrison Ford playing the title role, even though he is an old man? Wait, what? In 2008, you say? Huh.
Poetry is in essence an auditory medium, meant to be heard, and if that means that sometimes you have to sacrifice ease of comprehension to euphony, so be it! In unrelated news, the poem that Wiley is writing in today’s B.C. is confusing and also sounds stupid when you read it aloud. Anyway, ladies, don’t look get all uppity and dress too sexy at the gym, or you’re a whore who’ll lose your boyfriend, I guess? You don’t want to lose your boyfriend! He sounds like a real prize, what with all his opinions about your sexy gymwear.
See, because “carbon footprint” is a thing, but what if it were … carbon buttprint, eh? Wouldn’t that be funnier? Because of butts? I actually am enjoying Shoe’s violent temper tantrum, so it pains me to point out that any joke about “carbon buttprints” that doesn’t involve farts is garbage.
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Funky Winkerbean, 4/12/13
Ha ha, Les got a big check because his sad book about his dead wife is going to be turned into a movie on basic cable, and then he got a boner! This plot is already so much more traumatizing than I could have possibly imagined.
Mark Trail, 4/1/13
“On behalf of tournament officials, we’d like to apologize to you, Mark … apologize that your beloved ward was kidnapped and almost killed by one of our contestants! Ha ha, just kidding, we don’t feel responsible for that at all, and it doesn’t seem like you were that worried about it anyway, so why should we care? We do feel bad about the cheating, though, as that will make us look bad to your readers, who don’t give a rat’s ass about children but are passionate about the integrity of fishing tournaments.”
“Don’t worry, you do a good job … most of the contestants are honest fishermen — guys like Rod are the exception! When it comes to cheating at fishing, I mean. Rod’s pretty typical when it comes to kidnapping little kids. I don’t know what it is, but fisherman just can’t get enough of luring children into their vans. ‘Landfish,’ they call them. And Rusty wonders why I don’t take him fishing more often! Ha ha!”
As sad as “Crankshaft replies angrily to the punning TV newscaster” makes me, I think that “Crankshaft sullenly gets in on the punning TV newscaster’s pun-theme” is much, much worse.
“Get it, because burnt food gets all black and crispy? No, but seriously, Roz sells burned and expired food to the poor and desperately hungry, in defiance of local health department regulations and consumer safety laws.”
Family Circus, 4/1/13
Boy, Billy sure is angry at a pagan nature spirit! Nyaaah, where’s your omnipotent patriarchal creator deity now, Billy?
Shoe and B.C., 3/26/13
Elementary school test questions as setups to jokes in comic strips: most played out cliché on the comics page, or mostest played out cliché on the comics page? I guess I shouldn’t complain about accuracy when the students being tested are anthropomorphic bird-people and/or sentient ants, but I do question the quality of instruction in the bird and ant educational systems. In Shoe, Skyler’s cynical, heavy-lidded expression in panel two shows that he understands what a bizarrely open-ended and unanswerable question he’s been presented with, presumably by whatever over-eager art teacher also thought that art puns based on a catchphrase from a 17-year-old movie would get elementary school kids enthusiastic about learning. The ant-child, meanwhile, in an act of defiance over what appears to be a test of his knowledge of old sayings that are actively incorrect, fills in the blanks with a plea for death. Frankly, these questions are both making a good case for a uniform, standardized testing regime with questions developed by government bureaucrats, if these are the locally-directed alternatives.
Mark Trail, 3/26/13
Maybe Mark does love Rusty after all? In order to perpetrate his completely misguided rescue scheme, he’s been forced to not verbalize a sentence he’s formed in his mind and confine it to a thought balloon instead, in what must be a superhuman effort on his part.
DAREDEVIL: “And that’s where attorney Matt Murdock comes in!”
SPIDER-MAN: “Wow! This I gotta see!”
[SEVEN HOURS AND HUNDREDS OF LEXISNEXIS SEARCHES LATER]
SPIDER-MAN: “Oh, man, was I ever wrong about this.”
By all rights, the Perfesser drunkenly stumbling into the mysteriously open town mortuary in the middle of the night ought to be the set up for one of two things: A tale of spine-tingling horror, or a very specific genre of slash fiction. And yet we get neither! At least we should get corpses. Mort is standing there with elbow-length rubber gloves, for rooting around inside corpses! And there are open coffins everywhere. Why are there no corpses?
Among Daredevil’s amazing powers: superhuman tact! “So, Peter, in addition to being a costumed crime-fighter, I’m also a successful, highly paid lawyer! What do you do for a living?” “I’m a freelance photographer for a print newspaper!” “Okay! Then let’s, uh, let’s talk about superhero stuff.”
Panel from Slylock Fox, 3/24/13
um also you guys he’s right over there behind the tree BEHIND YOU YOU CAN LIKE TOTALLY SEE HIM