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Judge Parker, 9/18/26

For many years now, Judge Parker fans have wondered: whither Sophie Spencer-Driver? The girl who was once a climate-data– and geopolitical-conflict-obsessed tween has spent most of her late teens and early twenties vaguely wandering from thing to thing, ending up in Norway to work for her boyfriend’s charitable foundation only to return home having learned nothing, either about herself and what she wants to do with her one wild and precious life or about what sort of scammy tax dodge or worse her now ex-boyfriend (she also returned home without a boyfriend) was running out of Norway as a “charitable foundation.” So now, it looks like she’s turning to the rich faildaughter’s last resort: clerking for a judge who’s a friend of the family as an inside track into the law. Of course, what with the declining fortunes of the whole Spencer-Driver-Parker nexus, she’s not so much “clerking” for a “judge” as she is “printing out the schedule” for a “judicial hearing officer” because he doesn’t know how to “use the calendar on his phone,” but we do what we must.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/18/26

Ah, whew, good news, everyone! The Morgan boys aren’t stupid after all — or, if they are, they’re the kind of stupid that doesn’t show up on standardized tests, so it probably doesn’t count.

Pluggers, 9/18/26

Pluggers have the stench of death about them, folks, you read it here first

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Pluggers, 9/15/26

Sorry, pluggers! The FDA just declared the cyclospora outbreak over, and we all trust the FDA on this, right? [nervous laughter] Anyhoo, my point is that you are, once again, behind trend, and also shitting your guts out in a port-a-john for unrelated and uncool reasons.

Dick Tracy, 9/15/26

Oh no! They shot Widescreen! They shot him right in the gun. Or maybe the gun blew up, what with Sten guns being notoriously unreliable and Widescreen probably ordering it from some extremely dodgy online retailer? Unclear. The point is, he seems dead now, or at least dead-ish.

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 9/14/26

I guess the point of this strip is “You never get what you want when you want it,” but for at least a brief moment I thought Snuffy looked so sad because he considers himself in his way to be a steward of the land. During deer-huntin’ season, people have killed so many deer that bears roam the countryside, near starving for lack of prey, and then in bear-huntin’ season, deer multiply out of control due to lack of predators. That’s why he had to shoot these critters out of season, sheriff! He’s helpin’ the local ecosystem!

Gil Thorp, 9/14/26

Based on the extremely visible stars in the sky, I’m guessing this is a night game played without adequate lighting. Presumably Oakwood is the home team and this gives them an advantage based on their day-glow yellow uniforms. Obviously the Mudlark QB is going to throw right to them, they’re the only ones visible on the field!

Pluggers, 9/14/26

I regret to inform you all that there are only two viable options here: that pluggers think “bedroom eyes” mean what your eyes look like when you’re sleepy, or that they think that sometimes a plugger will make eyes at you implying that they want you to come over and fuck them right there on their recliner and that this is what those eyes look like, like they’re dying.

Judge Parker, 9/14/26

Good news: Judge Parker Emeritus Senior got a job, to give his life meaning. Bad news: he apparently has to get up at 6:00 am to get to it? Maybe a meaningless life isn’t so bad after all, let’s not be hasty.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/14/26

Remember: it’s not just mandatory that nothing bad ever happen to the Morgan family. The Morgan family must be fully insulated by the narrative from ever knowing that anything bad might have potentially happened to them. And, mission accomplished! Looks like we can wrap up the week’s strips with this one and [checks calendar] aw CRAP

Mary Worth, 9/14/26

“Did he die? Is he finally dead? Because he still owes me money from when I sold him weed six years ago. I mean, it wasn’t actually weed, it was oregano, but he didn’t know that.”