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Metapost: Internet-jokin’ comments of the week!

Hi all! Your COTW in a moment, but first: my biweekly live comedy show in Los Angeles, which skipped a biweek, is back, next Thursday! We have many great comics, making jokes about the Internet we all know and love. This week we have some TERRIBLE ’80s FANFIC FOR YOU, among other things!

It’s at The Clubhouse in Los Feliz, 1607 N Vermont Street, at 7 pm on Thursday 8/25! Here’s the Facebook event, if you like Facebook events!

OK, and now it is time for this week’s top comment!

“Marty Moon’s reporting doesn’t generally leave the arena of high school sports recaps, but he just happened to overhear things while he was being arraigned for indecent exposure.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

The runners up are also hilarious!

“I appreciate Tommy continuing his proper grammar usage, as a drug-induced haze is no excuse for using the colloquial ‘good enough.'” –Ruth McIlhenny Gorme, on Facebook

“I honestly though for a second that he said ‘plead drinking to OUI’, as if he was asking if putting in his plea in French might convince the judge that drunk driving was some kind of cultural expression.” –pugfuggly

“I’ll just note that whereas Otto has a proper grasp on how to use his eating utensils and shows true delight at his meal, the Perfesser just shovels his plate of mashed-up glop into his face like a five-year-old.” –Ekudamram

“Of course Otto doesn’t eat ordinary dog food! He eats thick, lumpy tubes of mystery meat and drinks water from a wine glass, just like a regular person!” –BigTed

“Beetle: ‘Where’s his bag of biscuits?’ [six hours later] Cookie: ‘Hey asshole! Remember that thing you said to someone else six hours ago that I wasn’t around to hear? Well guess what, fucker…'” –Junebizzle

“The look on that keyboardist’s face is tragic, like it all came crashing in on him at once. ‘Wait, were we playing for a baby? The fuck are we doing here, Chip?! Why’s that load on the drums got a sailor’s hat on? Why do you look like you’re taking a break from scrubbing the floors? Where are the keys on my keyboard?! WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE, CHIP?!'” –Dan

“WARNING: Side effects of painkillers and camping may include partial amnesia and/or loss of object permanence.” –Steve S

“But seriously, boys, you called in Trixie Flagston. That’s good. That means you’re serious about this thing. Okay, let’s talk image. You. Keyboard guy. The red mohawk, the sleeveless skull T-shirt, the John Lennon specs … I’m confused. Help me out. What year is this? Moving on. Chip. My brother. Flesh of my flesh. The striped shirt, jeans, hair in your eyes. You got sort of a Cobain thing going on. I like it. But what the hell is that on your head? A bandanna? You look like our mother when she runs that terrifying vacuum cleaner. Lose it. Drummer. Dear god, I don’t even know what to say here. You’re so wrong, it’s right. Don’t change a thing.” –Joe Blevins

The kid’s a jerk. The dad’s a murderer. The mom is probably, hmm second thought, is definitely a witch. At the very least we should exile them, but my hope is that we can have some special guests at the season’s kickoff bonfire this year.” –Chareth Cutestory

Who needs a shirt when you’ve got the warm embrace of a Schedule II controlled substance to keep you company?” –L. Chezzlewick, on Twitter

“Note that Dennis and Mrs Arroyo are eating the exact same thing (green leaves and … black blobs), so the reading of the comic depends on what those blobs are. It’s either ‘That’s funny, she seems normal to me. It’s you carnivorous flesh-guzzlers who are the freaks! You’re the ones who should be labelled and called out!’ or ‘That’s funny, she seems normal to me, given that she’s been happily chowing down on meatballs for the last ten minutes.’ Either one would go a long way to explain the looks of horror on everyone’s faces, which look more like they’ve just heard a barrage of racial slurs than another cutesy darn’dest thing.” –Schroduck

“Looks like the staff at Crock have finally gotten around to reading Alistair Horne’s A Savage War in Peace, about the Algerian revolt against French rule. I’m looking forward to future installments of Crock covering the Battle of Algiers, the Fall of the Fourth Republic, and the riots in Paris, culminating in a week-long series in which Crock is put on trial for his attempted coup against Charles De Gaulle. Finally, we’ll get to see that firing squad in action! They’ll have to aim pretty low, though — Crock’s a short guy.” –Voshkod

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Probably she shouldn’t be surveying any Barlow property, just in case

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/19/16

You know, what with Hootin’ Holler being a largely lawless place, with a rugged landscape and local knowledge about property holdings more likely to be passed down through generations by word of mouth than delineated on any map, bringing in surveyors isn’t the worst idea in the world! It could be a real growth industry, and could probably help cut down on the endless, violent clan feuds whose flareups can often be blamed on property line disputes, even if control of moonshine smuggling turf is ultimately the root cause. And, let’s be real, it’d be pretty useful for someone in the Smif family to have a job.

Dennis the Menace, 8/19/16

If you want to create a portrait of a child as a low-key but effective menace to everything you think about yourself as a person who heads a civilized family, this is a good start: he stares at your guest with dead eyes and shows unfamiliarity with basic concepts, all while drooling freely onto his own dinner.

Beetle Bailey and Crock, 8/19/16

Hey kids, did you know that some of America’s longest-running comic strips take place in the military during actual violent conflicts? Beetle Bailey is stateside, for the most part, but its soldiers must know that they could be deployed at any time; in today’s strip, their nighttime anxieties escalate, from right to left, climaxing with Beetle, who, panicked but clear-eyed, can only think of massive, world-obliterating explosions. Meanwhile, today’s Crock reminds us that most of the main characters are occupation troops in a grinding, brutal colonial war. Happy Friday!

C’mon, Abbey, Mark doesn’t know there’s any such thing as a “web browser”

Mark Trail, 8/18/16

Oh say, it looks like this new Mark Trail storyline isn’t going to be about whales after all! It’s going to be about ants, specifically invasive fire ants, who presumably set up a nest in the corpses of this amorous couple two years ago and have now evolved into unstoppable killers. Anyway, today’s panel two is definitely the best ever instance of Mark keeping a straight face while a government bureaucrat spells out an entire URL over the phone for some reason. While there really isn’t room in the panel to structure the word balloons this way, I like to think that the actual dialogue is something like this:

“That’s doubleyou doubleyou doubleyou dot”

“Abbey–”

“hungry pests dot com”

“Abbey, this all–”

“slash the dash threat”

[a pause]

“This all sounds like–”

“slash imported dash fire dash…”

Gil Thorp, 8/18/16

Marty Moon runs a radio show entirely dedicated to high school sports (and, apparently, the legal ramifications of the deaths of high school athletes). But it’s a well known fact that Marty is “out of touch” with the kids who should be making up the bulk of his audience. Today we learn that he doesn’t even have an app that teens can download to their beloved smartphones to get push notifications about the news they care about, along with messages from Marty’s sponsors and corporate partners! No, they’re getting texts from their parents about stuff Marty’s saying on the radio, which strikes me as very difficult to monetize.

Dick Tracy, 8/18/16

“I mean, why would I shoot my food, right? I could, I guess. Like if I shot my food a bunch of times, that’d break it up into bite-sized pieces. But that seems like way more work than it’s worth. Still, you know, for fighting and stuff, I think guns are the way to go.”

Mary Worth, 8/18/16

Ugh, Tommy, all the street hustlers in My Own Private Idaho did cool drugs, like heroin. You get your pills from the damn CVS, Tommy. That’s not cool at all.