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Mary Worth, 1/29/19

There are a lot of ways this plotline could’ve escalated. Jannie could’ve implied that she’d be willing to do more than wink if that’s what it took to get a good grade, or, if we wanted to be more daring, Ian could’ve implied that she would need to do more than wink to get a good grade. But, nope, Jannie is just going to get outraged that her perfectly insane plan of occasionally saying nice things to her professor and then not doing her homework somehow failed to work. Mary Worth may not always pay off when it comes to actual drama, but it invariably delivers when it comes to characters making inscrutable choices based on opinions and assumptions that no real human being would ever actually hold.

Funky Winkerbean, 1/29/19

One thing you really have to respect about Funky Winkerbean is its commitment to the bit, with the “bit” here being “unending, grinding darkness.” Like, normally, you’d expect a comic with this dialogue to feature its old-timers exchanging rueful smiles and they contemplate the foibles of aging. But no, check out these guys. They’re miserable! Getting old and going deaf sucks, and they hate it!

Crankshaft, 1/29/19

Meanwhile, the joke over in the “fun” Funkyverse strip is that Crankshaft thinks Ralph is talking about his doctors putting a tube up his dickhole, but they’re actually gonna put a tube through his heartholes, because he has an extremely serious and life-threatening medical condition. But at least it doesn’t involve his dick!

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The Lockhorns and Pluggers, 1/26/19

Man, here’s a couple of single-panel comics that seem to have gotten their wires crossed today! Normally, The Lockhorns restrains its deep well of misery to the emotional sphere: sure, Loretta constantly trash-talks Leroy’s skimpy paychecks, but that always seems more of a way to belittle him rather than an actual complaint about their finances, as they seem to have no problem paying for Loretta’s shopping sprees, endless and no doubt pricey marriage counseling, and what I assume are their sky-high auto insurance premiums. Have they finally reached the point when Loretta is beginning to secretly pawn their household items in order to buy groceries, or did she do it just to annoy Leroy, “accidentally” bringing him by the window in yet another move in their longstanding chess game of emotional destruction? Pluggers is where we expect to see desperate pawn shop episodes; pluggers have survived true horrors, both foreign and domestic, so don’t try to tell me that the biggest danger they face is on the golf course.

Crankshaft, 1/26/19

It’s true: beloved (?) ancillary Crankshaft character Ralph is having a heart attack! Today we’re getting to the real dramatic heart of this storyline: Ralph is having a heart attack, and it’s going to inconvenience Crankshaft.

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Beetle Bailey, 1/23/19

Did … did General Halftrack die? RIP General Halftrack, you will always be in our memories.

Crankshaft, 1/23/19

Is … is Ralph about to die? RIP Crankshaft’s friend Ralph, you will always be in our memories, and we will cringe sympathetically when Crankshaft makes an extremely off-putting malapropism at your funeral.

Funky Winkerbean, 1/23/19

“Black Friday” is what the Montoni’s staff calls it when the depressive episodes afflicting the inhabitants of Westview sync up and everyone just stays in bed all day and orders pizza.

Mary Worth, 1/23/19

Oh my GOD, the winking is working. Resist, professor! Don’t let your insatiable hunger for extremely mild flirtation ruin your marriage, or your career!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/23/19

Wow, I guess we’re about to learn that kids from broken homes — even kids saddled with the name “Brayden” — can be just as prissy and judgemental of human frailty as Rex Morgan himself! I think we’ve all learned a valuable lesson about stereotypes here.

Six Chix, 1/23/19

Gotta hand it to Six Chix: I spent so much time trying to figure out whether or not “to Monday to Sunday” was a typo — like, was there originally supposed to be only one day named but they changed it and accidentally didn’t delete the original day? or is it somehow part of the joke, like they’re having their Sunday girls’ night out on Monday, or vice versa? — that I never ever got to the part where I had to try to figure out what the fuck this has to do with her son moving back home. You win this round, Six Chix!