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Hagar the Horrible, 5/24/19

Shoutout to Lucky Eddie for understanding that “torture” goes beyond the usual cartoonish depictions. Hagar and Eddie’s fellow prisoner may not have been subjected to the rack, and may not even have any scars, but years spent chained to the wall in a forced “stress position” — and, more importantly, spent in isolation without meaningful human contact — have clearly reduced him to gibbering madness.

Crock, 5/24/19

What’s more unsettling here? The fact that Crock’s Wise Sage, whose “powers” as depicted in the strip are usually restricted to offering fairly pedestrian advice, is suddenly capable of transforming Captain Poulet into a car — presumably a car in which the Captain’s mind is forever trapped, and screaming? Or the implication that women everywhere want to own, or possibly fuck, the Batmobile?

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Six Chix, 4/15/19

Happy Tax Day, everybody! Six Chix is here to remind you that even beloved cultural icons like the Easter Bunny — seen here with a stack of W-9s, 1099s, and 1040 Schedule Cs, denoting his freelancer status — currently live in the precarious world of the gig economy, where traditional labor protections cannot reach.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/15/19

I was going to do a bit about Hootin’ Holler’s place in a sad, post-apocalyptic universe, based on the local post office’s affiliation with the “Newnited States,” but then I remembered that I already did that back in 2010, so instead I’ll just point out that the IRS considers income from barter and criminal activity to be taxable, so maybe Snuffy shouldn’t be quite so relaxed.

Crock, 4/15/19

Speaking of repeated jokes, I was about to say that I was willing to put aside my feud with Crock and admit that I found this strip unironically funny, but then I remembered I did the same thing when it ran last May. I guess I’ve just validated Crock’s decision to run the few funny strips in its vast archives every eleven months or so, because people will enjoy them and probably won’t remember that they’re repeats unless they really dedicate some thought to it.

Gil Thorp, 4/15/19

Oh, I guess this Gil Thorp plotline is about how student-athletes should stay well-rounded and have outside hobbies, like knitting or blogging. Girl student-athletes, I should specify; obviously boy student-athletes need to dedicate all their energy into Mudlark athletics in a desperate attempt to be in the tiny percentage of high school students recruited into elite collegiate athletic programs, so they can dedicate all their energy during college into sports so they can be in the tiny percentage of elite college athletes who end up in the pros.

Mary Worth, 4/15/19

I like Toby’s big smile as she announces to Mary that “poems can be cribbed off the Internet,” like she’s figured out how to beat Big MFA at their own game. She can’t tell Ian, of course, as it would make him realize his whole career path of sharing the wonders of literature with undergrads is a sham, but she’s gotta tell someone.

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Crock, 1/9/18

I got into a Twitter discussion last week about what the deal is with Crock exactly, what with its creator having died in 2011 and then his son, after briefly running the strip, deciding he didn’t want to keep it going. I guess the consensus is that what we’re getting are reruns, but there are some updates to the dialogue to keep the strip “fresh.” Like, the “4” in today’s final panel seems pretty obviously to be in a different handwriting from the rest of the dialogue, presumably because this strip originally appeared in 2001 when PlayStation 2s were all the rage. It’s honestly amazing that someone would go through the trouble of making sure the most current PlayStation model is reflected in the dialogue but not, say, question the premise of the strip, which is that home video game consoles and pay toilets are even in the remotely same category of thing, and decide to just pull another Crock from the presumably infinite quantity of Crocks in the archive instead.

Gil Thorp, 1/9/18

Hmm, who could the mysterious billboard-aggressor be? Let’s take a closer look at that “E” in “fire”:

And then compare it to the “E” in “December” on the wall of Gil’s office:

And, well, there you have it! Find your calendar-maker and you have tracked down your mysterious … wait, what’s that you say? Fonts are widely used and commercially available? Also, the billboard guy put his URL right on the billboard. Well, I still think my font thing is relevant, thank you.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/9/18

Oh hell yes, Rex is going to have to deal with some sullen little twerp named “Brayden” for the duration of his flight to Phoenix! I know I complain about the slow pace of this strip, but I sincerely hope that this storyline lasts for months.

Pajama Diaries, 1/9/18

Say, wouldn’t it be interesting if you were forced to look at your grandchildren’s dick pics for all eternity, in hell? Just something to ponder!

Slylock Fox, 1/9/18

WAIT ARE THOSE GIANT MICE OR IS THAT A VERY TINY ELEPHANT

I’M NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO THINK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE FOR WEEKS