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Pluggers and The Lockhorns, 5/4/09

Some might say I’m being inconsistent for constantly complaining about comics but then complaining when they change anything. But I only complain when those changes are pointless, or actively make things worse. Take today’s Pluggers, for instance. I generally assume that most comics artists have by this point taken advantage of services that will turn your handwriting into a perfectly good font that you can drop into your word balloons with Photoshop or whatever; and though you may assume that Pluggers would shun this modern trend, I’m guessing they’ve been doing it for quite some time — check out the lower-case Gs in the caption, for instance, and you’ll notice they’re all identical. In today’s Pluggers, however, something appears to have gone awry, with the dialogue balloon lettering being all boldy and in a different typeface from the usual (and quite pleasant) font that the other lettering in the panel uses. Either it’s a misguided experiment, or someone hit a wrong button and put the wrong font in, then said “Aw, it’s Pluggers, who cares” and sent it off to the publisher. At least it’s not Comic Sans.

Meanwhile, the Lockhorns has moved on from it usual caption underneath the panel and caption just along the bottom edge of the panel techniques to experiment with a radical “caption inside a box inside the panel” system. I’m not sure if this is just an attempt to cover up the yawning empty space underneath Leroy’s chair or a fumbling evolution towards true word balloons. I’d actually like to believe that this isn’t what Loretta is saying, but rather is information given to us by some omniscient narrator; Loretta is actually busy explaining to some dead-eyed paid assassin how much she’ll pay to have Leroy murdered, or perhaps is sticking her thumb down her throat to induce vomiting, just so she can briefly feel something.

Blondie, 5/4/09

I look forward to seeing Dagwood devolve into wholly justified paranoia as he comes to learn that everything that happens in his universe revolves around him, and that there are always millions upon millions of eyes on him at all times, watching and judging, even in his most private, secret moments (i.e., bath time).

Shoe, 5/4/09

It is a convention in Shoe that relatively mild punchlines are met with expressions of goggle-eyed horror by whatever character is unfortunate enough to be present when the daily pun or joke-like final sentence is delivered; still, I like to imagine that something has happened that truly justifies these terrified reactions. For instance, perhaps Skyler here thinks that by “notes” his uncle is referring to Lotus Notes, the worst Internet communications suite ever created.

Dennis the Menace, 5/4/09

I’m not sure what Henry’s expression of thoughtful chewing is supposed to denote. Perhaps he thinks that America ought to listen to its wise elders and get back to the common-sense economic principles that made it great. On the other hand, he may just be concerned that his elderly neighbor is talking to his son about not wearing pants.

IN OTHER NEWS: I have tried to be nice, and reason with you all, but I am done with that. Discussing Mallard Fillmore in the comments only pisses everyone off and contributes nothing. Anyone doing so will be banned on the first offense I catch, starting now.

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Oh, look, it’s Earth Day, and once again many comics are awkwardly leaping on the environmental bandwagon! Let’s check out the oddest strips:

Beetle Bailey, 4/22/09

Ha ha, it’s funny because “earth” can mean the planet or dirt, and also because Zero is stupid! Of course, this is infinitely preferable to another tree-fucking strip.

Phantom, 4/22/09

You might think it’s kind of weird that Mrs. The Phantom has a special Earth Day briefcase that she just happens to have prominently displayed on the day that she will parachute onto a cargo ship bearing her family and a bunch of lizard men. (If you’re not following this strip, she’s doing this to keep the ship’s sexy lady captain from putting the moves on her spandex-clad husband, FYI.) But since she works for the UN, and the whole environmental movement is just a cover for the brewing one-world-government conspiracy, it all makes perfect sense that she’d be required by her job to tote propaganda around with her at all times.

Spider-Man, 4/22/09

You have to hand it to Spider-Man (the comic strip) for constantly working on new and innovative ways of making Spider-Man (the character) completely unlikeable. The buffoonish, semi-competent Electro has been given one, and only one, redeeming characteristic: his sincere love for his son. So naturally Spider-Man is using this fatherly affection to entrap him, keeping it foregrounded in the story and making Electro seem more sympathetic; as if realizing that this is the case, Spidey apparently has decided to just go all out with the dickery and make some cheesy joke about Earth Day while the villain desperately tries to break free to find his injured child. Naturally, Spider-Man cares not a whit for the environment: to generate all the electricity that his unceasing television-viewing requires, whole West Virginia mountains must be leveled to extract the precious coal within.

Curtis, Marvin, and Dennis the Menace, 4/22/09

Meanwhile, these three strips are here to show us the true meaning of Earth Day, which is that children of all races are filthy, disgusting monsters.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/22/09

Speaking of filthy and disgusting, in non-Earth Day news, today’s Funky Winkerbean features one character telling another about vomiting, and, as a “punchline,” the second character recoils in disgust. Funky Winkerbean, ladies and gentlemen!

Family Circus, 4/22/09

Yup, she sure is making life grand! By sitting there in the living room, quietly reading the newspaper. While the kids gather in the doorway, watching her, enraptured. Seriously, this family creeps me out so God-damned much.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/3/09

HEY EVERYONE JUNE MORGAN IS IN HER BIKINI! HOT! HUBBA HUBBA WOO HOO OK, look. Doubt my credentials as a heterosexual comic-loving man if you must, but I simply cannot get myself worked up over drawings of sexy ladies. I mean, sexy ladies are intriguing to me as a rule, but when it comes to cartoons, it’s hard for me to forget that someone, somewhere, generally a dude, was drawing said sexy lady, and usually thinking, “Hmm, I’ve seen sexy ladies in real life, but with the powers of my artistry, I can add even more sexiness!” Which in practice usually means “I can make her boobs even bigger!”

I don’t pretend to be consistent on this point. For instance, it’s well known that I have certain … feelings for Margo Magee. And Margo is nice enough to look at, but my feelings are primarily driven by the fact that she’s a hilarious, tightly-wound bag of angry crazy, which is the sort of thing I’ve been known to go for in the past. And while Margo’s wonderfully antisocial personality is as much a fictional construct as, say, Abbey Spencer’s ass crack, somehow it’s much harder for me to ignore the artifice involved in the construction of the latter.

And speaking of artifice … I’m not a professional breastologist or anything, but I’m pretty sure that one’s cleavage does not consist of two perfect and slightly separated semi-circles if one’s bosom is the one that God gave you. Having a surgically enhanced cartoon fantasy object strikes me as particularly bizarre and off-putting, to be sure, but what I really want to know is: whose work are we looking at here? Certainly not Rex’s; breast-enhancement surgery can take hours, and that’s much longer than he’d ever want to spend touching a girl’s boobies.

Blondie, 4/3/09

Blondie comments on the current economic crisis: the unemployed masses, their lives destroyed by the decisions of the powerful, weep openly in the street, just outside the fine restaurants where the captains of industry who got us into this mess dine on gourmet foods, served on china plates and fine tablecloths. The workers who are still employed sit by uncomfortably, afraid to protest at the injustice for fear of joining the starving hysterics in the gutter, wracked with shame over their collaboration in their own oppression.

Dennis the Menace, 4/3/09

Hey, Mr. Wilson, it’s the government that publicizes the names and addresses of sex offenders, not the television stations. But I admit that when they ran that picture of your house with the caption “PERVERTS IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD” as the lead story on the 6 o’clock news, that was a little much.

Pluggers, 4/3/09

You’re a plugger if you euphemistically refer to an anonymous sex party as “league bowling.” (The rest of us call it “book club.”)