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Apartment 3-G, 12/11/11

As usual, Sunday’s A3G just rehashes the plot from the previous week, but it’s still worth lingering over, not least because it showcases the disturbing truth about this storyline: that Lu Ann has, through at least two engagements, still been legally married. I mean, surely she’d written Gary off as dead in her head for years, but unless she or the military moved to have him declared legally dead … then she’s still married, right? Even One-Armed Becky in Funky Winkerbean waited until her missing husband was (incorrectly) declared dead before moving on. The fun potential upshot of this is that maybe Paul’s creepy dad was right to freak out about Lu Ann’s marriage certificate, if there was no legal indication that her marriage was over.

Even better than all that, of course, is the fact that Margo is “blah, blah, blah”ing her way through the letter from the Air Force about Lu Ann’s dead husband. Hey, doesn’t the military usually send someone in person to tell you your loved one has been killed? It would have been fun if two uniformed airmen had come to the apartment and Margo had been there as they launched into their spiel and said “Yadda yadda yadda, boys, get to the point, we don’t have all day.”

Spider Man, 12/11/11

Just another Sunday of non-heroics, from … the Amazing Spider-Man!!!! When law enforcement can’t keep the streets safe, he will! But law enforcement actually does a pretty good job, most of the time, so he’ll just continue to enjoy a pleasant Sunday with his wife and aunt, thanks.

Panel from Dick Tracy, 12/11/11

If you’ve ever said to yourself, “Enh, I’m not going to give the new revamped Dick Tracy a chance until it inexplicably includes a panel featuring a villain quoting from Men Without Hats’ 1982 smash hit ‘Safety Dance,'” then you are officially out of excuses, my friend.

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Spider-Man, 11/20/11

“What’s shakin’, Jolly Jonah? Hope you recognize my voice through my mask.” “Parker, is that you? Why the hell are you wearing a mask?” “No, it’s Spid … uh, I, uh … [CLICK]”

I certainly hope that the “All the news that’s fit — to print…?” narration box, despite its baffling punctuation, heralds a move away from this boring “Big Boss” storyline and instead presages Jonah and Robbie arguing about how the Bugle can move into the 21st century and become a Web-centric media outlet, or at least figure out how to cut down on the costs of producing a legacy print product. “Hey, Jonah, look at these huge gutters between the panels on the comics page! We could probably fit in some more ads if we got rid of those.”

This is probably as good a time as any to let you know that J. Jonah Jameson has a Twitter (in ALL CAPS, obviously).

Mary Worth, 11/20/11

It’s really sad to see how deeply this minor-league purse snatching has shaken Mary, as asking Toby to lead you anywhere is generally a sign that you’ve lost your will to live. In panel three, though, we can see that Toby’s scarf is swiveling to always point the same direction as her head when her neck turns, which may indicate that we’re dealing with an advanced and competent robotic Toby replacement.

Dick Tracy, 11/20/11

Were you hoping that the revamped Dick Tracy would come across less like a classic gangster flick from the ’40s and more like a modern episode of Cops, full of drunken domestic disputes? Well, here you go!

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/17/11

Ha ha, it’s not a real Rex Morgan plot until a formerly sympathetic character suddenly proves to be unsympathetic for no good reason! Principal Hallman has angered Summer by insisting that her daughter is a dirty little liar who goes to parties with bad boys (he is 100 percent correct about this), which leads her to bring out the heavy artillery: namely, that she knows he’s totally lying about being an Iraq War vet! Back when he first busted out his phony baloney combat story, Summer looked all sympathetic, because she thought she might want to do him; now that’s off the table, so it’s time for her to humiliate him. “It’s true!” he’ll sob. “I just found this sweet Army hat in the break room at school and started wearing it around, and then people stared asking questions, and, well, things just got out of control! I never meant for it to go this far!”

Dick Tracy, 11/17/11

Holy crap, square-jawed super-Aryan Dick Tracy spending the Festival of Lights with the Catchem clan is the greatest Hanukkah present anyone could possibly give me! I look forward to Sam lighting the menorah with his cigarette as he tells the story of the Maccabean Revolt, after which Dick will vow to hunt down Antiochus Epiphanes and pump him full of lead.

Funky Winkerbean, 11/17/11

“Especially not our pizza! It tastes like cardboard and greasy, greasy tears!”