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Gil Thorp, 8/16/17

OK, see, when it comes to my nostalgia-fueled love of returning former Gil Thorp teens who are now All Grown Up, even I have my limits. Like, Trey and Jaquan, a couple of guys who hadn’t appeared in more than a decade? I’m jazzed as hell, man! But True Standish, the star quarterback who graduated last year? Ennnnnnh. Under True’s steady hand, the ranking of the Wake Forest Demon Deacons offense apparently dropped from 114th in the NCAA Football Bowl Subdivision to 124th, but at least this summer when he crushes his receiver’s hopes and dreams, it’ll be the outcome everyone’s rooting for.

Mark Trail, 8/16/17

Oh, hey, remember when Johnny straight-up rode over a cliff on his horse? Well, surprise, that was just some fancy illusion work from Mark’s old buddy, and he’s not dead at all! Unfortunately, back two months ago (side note: Mark and this motley crew have been out on the Dakota prairie for two months??? Jesus) when Mark and Johnny plotted to use Johnny’s trick riding skills to defeat their enemies, they were still under the impression that the she-kidnapper was a hostage (despite Mark’s big talk about knowing all along she was on the side of evil), so probably Johnny is about to chivalrously ride to her rescue, with disastrous results.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/16/17

You know, some people view me with pity just because I somehow retain huge swaths of plot and character detail for Mary Worth or Gil Thorp in my head, but in my defense those plots and characters are, for the most part, fun. Take Funky Winkerbean in contrast: despite the fact that I’ve read it and been annoyed by it every day for more than a decade, I routinely forgot a lot of its byzantine world-building, because honestly why bother. So, like, for instance, up until today I would’ve sworn that Darrin’s pal/coworker Mopey Pete was another one of the strip’s seemingly endless supply of clinically depressed Northeast Ohio natives, but nope, I guess he’s a “New York and L.A. guy,” a proud bicoastal elitist who nevertheless dresses like that. Anyway, I’m sure he’ll find something that interests him in Centerville! Probably a lady, for sex.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/16/17

Sorry, gag-a-day strip writers: no so-called “punchline” you could come up with would be funnier than panel three of today’s Rex Morgan, M.D., in which we see the gears of June’s mind spinning wildly in her attempt to avoid the responsibility of raising her dying childhood friend’s toddler.

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Mark Trail, 8/9/17

Oh, man, we’ve gotten to the part of the Mark Trail storyline where Mark punches a guy and so you know that’s gonna get top billing on today’s blog post on Josh Reads Dot Com! As we often do on these sacred occasions, let us revisit the greatest sentence on Wikipedia, which can be found on the Mark Trail article: “His assignments inevitably lead him to discover environmental misdeeds, most often solved with a crushing right cross.” Today’s strip is notable because Mark starts with a right, and then, when Baldy McBankrobber neglects to fall over, follows up with a left as well. Bank robbing is a kind of environmental misdeed, right? Whatever, please spend the rest of your day enjoying Mark punching a guy in the mouth twice in two panels.

Dennis the Menace, 8/9/17

Who even knows to what year Dennis the Menace is supposed to be mapping onto exactly, but was there a time when kids Dennis’s age were supposed to sit in the back seat of cars but were not yet confined to specialized child seats? Because he definitely doesn’t looks like he’s a child seat, right? I think the real menace here is that Dennis and Alice have been placed in different rows just so we can see both of their faces easily. Doing things to make things easier for writers at the expense of narrative coherence is a menace against the literary contract with our readers!

Funky Winkerbean, 8/9/17

So I’ve been informed by more comics-savvy people than I that this dude is supposed to be legendary comic book artist Jack Kirby, whose 100th birthday would’ve been this week and who is being punished by an appearance in Funky Winkerbean as a result. Anyway, Jack Kirby’s advice to get a comics job is to have a portfolio of really great work, which seems … correct without actually being helpful?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/9/17

Ha ha, look at the kid’s face! He knows the answer is “no”!

Mary Worth, 8/9/17

God damn it Jared, why does all the stuff you say when you’re trying to be chipper sound like a threat

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Mary Worth, 8/8/17

Shoutout to Mary Worth for starting a storyline where I honestly have no idea where they’re going with it! Like, are we supposed to see poor klutzy Jared, who can’t even manage to properly match his scrubs, as a more decent and down-to-earth romantic partner than moody, handsome Dr. Ned? Or is a humiliated Jared going to go home and leave a 3,000-word screed on the r/incel subreddit about how he’s been thwarted by chads for the last time, then head into the hospital to kill everybody there? (If none of the words in that last sentence made any sense to you, check out this glossary, which I’m sorry for introducing you to.)

Hi and Lois, 8/8/17

I’m on the record as embracing Hi and Lois’s Thirsty’s return to form as an unpleasant drunk, and I’m eager to see just how far down that path the strip is willing to go! “My life’s already a mess!” a disheveled Thirsty, his nose already glowing with booze at 5:30 pm, bellows to his only friend as he spends his entire paycheck on scratch-offs.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/8/17

We already have one elderly refugee here on the Island Of Misfit Ancillary Starbuck Jones Creative Toilers, and its Cliff Anger, whose career ended when as an idealistic young lefty he didn’t pivot quickly enough to follow America’s changing attitudes towards the USSR after World War II. Phil Holt, though? He’s not Phil Holt of Batom Comics anymore, and if you look into his eyes in the final panel, you know that the reason is definitely murder.

Pluggers, 8/8/17

Wait, do pluggers think that you have to live in a different city and not interact with someone in person to be a friend? Is that what people are telling them? That’s unbelievably sad.