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Hello everybody! I’m back, and want to say a huge thank you to Uncle Lumpy for pinch hitting and running the fundraiser, and to everyone who participated in said fundraiser, and to those who took the plunge on the Patreon, the latter of which will have some Interesting Benefits in coming months! I will be sending out a questionnaire this week to everyone who qualified for a tote bag finding out if you want said tote bag and if so where I should send it, so if you think you should’ve gotten one of those but don’t by the end of the week, please email me to let me know!

Meanwhile, I’ve crawled out of the smoldering crater where I spent the last week and am ready to bring you more comics joy!

Mary Worth, 10/24/16

If by “joy” you mean “dramatic older-lady-reading-the-newspaper-in-her-tastefully-appointed-condo-unit action,” which I certainly do, as I hope it’s obvious by now! Anyway, Tommy’s drug problems seem to have been solved by oppressive mothering and our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, so now we’re beginning an exciting new story! Has Wilbur returned from his trip to harass the Japanese without informing Mary? How dare he? The upcoming pool party is going to be extremely icy.

Funky Winkerbean, 10/24/16

Welp, as predicted, Bull has been diagnosed with concussion-induced chronic traumatic encephalopathy. This prompted his abrupt retirement, which is ostensibly to enjoy spending some time with his remaining cognitive abilities, but also has the benefit of protecting his student-athletes from his intermittent rage attacks. Do you think the kids on the team have been told why their coach is leaving mid-season, or are they being kept in the dark so that they don’t all quit football forever en masse when confronted with visceral evidence of what it can do to the human brain?

Six Chix, 10/24/16

Wait, does … does the “cats have nine lives” thing only apply to cats owned by witches? I’m pretty sure it doesn’t only apply to cats owned by witches.

Dennis the Menace, 10/24/16

“His skin, so lifelike — his pose, so natural. Nobody would ever guess that he was taxidermied over a decade ago and placed in his favorite chair to terrify neighborhood children! I tell ya, Gina, this sort of craftsmanship is a dying art. I guarantee you we won’t look this good when it’s our time.”

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So ends the Fall 2016 Fundraiser. Sincere thanks, generous readers!

Curtis, 10/22/16

Sadly, I’m sure it will work pretty much exactly like this. Curtis will get just big enough to beat up Derrick and the Bully Formerly Known as “Onion” to earn his revenge and his very own quotes. In time, “Barry” will follow to knock “Curtis” violently off his new perch.

But watch your back, “Barry” — “Teddy” is damn sick of you dragging him around, and he’s been working out.

Funky Winkerbean, 10/22/16

“While we can?” Bull earned those concussions, lost memories, and rage attacks, Linda — you think you can just ride along? Get your own damn tragedy — this may be Westview, but they can’t all be taken yet.

Family Circus, 10/22/16

Jeffy vows to entertain his celestial companion by exploring new frontiers of sin. Why is the Keane family such a hotbed of heresy and sacrilege?

— Uncle Lumpy

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It’s the Fall Fundraiser! The Comics Curmudgeon is depending on generous readers like you!

Hi and Lois, 10/18/16

Lois, if you’re going to raise expectations like that, shouldn’t you make some minimal effort to meet them?

Funky Winkerbean, 10/18/16

Football penalty flags are yellow. The official isn’t ejecting Bull, he’s giving up.

Mary Worth, 10/18/16

Mary suggested Iris should maybe spend a little more time with Tommy. Now she has to settle for a mere week of congratulations, because they squandered the Peace Prize on that Santos dude.

SO UNFAIR.

Heathcliff, 10/18/16

Evolution moves fast chez Heathcliff.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/18/16

I guess it must be far enough down the line for Michelle and Jordan Like the Country to resume flirting. ‘Cause that’s some straight-up banter right there.

Ballard Street, 10/18/16

Too late, by decades.

Mark Trail, 10/18/16

“Cannot … suppress … Nature facts!”

– Uncle Lumpy