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Gil Thorp, 7/3/18

In the annals of phoning it in, Gil Thorp stands as a colossus. And it’s contagious — unless Gil has taken to asking himself questions, the artist was supposed to draw Kaz in the first panel (“Wait a minute … did I just? … Aah, screw it!”).

Anyway, at Gil’s urging, beloved straight-shooting State Coach Colvin has promised no-hoper Kevin Pelwecki a big, steaming sack o’ nothing — walk-on tryout, no aid, thanks for stopping by, see ya kid. My advice? Take it, Kevin — it’s a damn sight better than anything you’ve got now. Especially the coaching!

Funky Winkerbean, 7/3/18

As his hermetic working relationship with Uber pal Pete grows more intense, Darin has gradually distanced himself from wife and family — fobbing off son “Sky” on his exhausted Mom, “forgetting” that wife Jessica lives three time zones away, and then using that as an excuse not to call her. Now, the image of his beloved Pete standing naked and dripping wet throws him into panic: “Must run from feeeeeeelings … !”

Tell me again who’s on the cosmic treadmill here?

9 Chickweed Lane, 7/3/18

The archives of the Comics Curmudgeon are littered with the bones of abandoned one-gag comics: Marmaduke is a big dog, Herb and Jamaal never say anything straight out, Heathcliff is nuts. If it weren’t for the occasional breath of “Everybody hates Grandpa” fresh air, Marvin would join them on the discard pile.

And so it is with 9 Chickweed Lane, with its now decade-long “Oh, the sexy, sexy music!” theme. Lately it’s just been a rotating cast of interchangeable partners rutting to unheard compositions. Is it wrong to want the Nazis back?.

Dustin, 7/3/18

Dude, have you ever read this comic?

— Uncle Lumpy

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Gil Thorp, 6/27/18

So, I’ve mentioned this before, but Gil Thorp seems to be becoming increasingly unmoored from the rhythm of the school year, with baseball season stretching on interminably, wacky summer plots falling by the wayside, and the cleansing fall bonfire absent for the past two years. The result is that it’s almost July and we’re just now getting around to discussing Kevin Pelwecki’s college situation. Turns out that despite his amiably dopey exterior, he actually has middlingly decent good grades that got him accepted to the flagship state university of whatever state’s Milford’s in! Now I guess Gil’s going to dazzle State U’s baseball, or possibly football, coach with his fame to get Kevin a walk-on spot in the fall. Yay for Kevin! NOW LET’S BRING ON THE SUMMER, which will I guess be dominated by the headlines that a guy who killed a teen with his car isn’t a nice man.

Mark Trail, 6/27/18

I don’t know about you, but one of my longstanding fantasies is to watch a leering red-headed Ted Cruz try to flirt with an academic by asking about cutting-edge archaeological techniques, and that fantasy has now been … fulfilled, and it was everything I could’ve hoped for!

Crock, 6/27/18

That’s right, everyone: ladies all want to fuck the Batmobile! Only the syndicated newspaper comic strip Crock is brave enough to speak this truth, everyone else is too “politically correct.”

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Gil Thorp, 6/22/18

So here’s the difference between Barry Bader and his dad: Barry has an incredibly abrasive and confrontational attitude all the time, but especially when he’s unloading some truly noxious and self-serving opinions like “Everyone’s pretending Boo Radley was so nice just because she’s dead but actually she was kind of sarcastic” and “Everyone is mean to me because I’m short.” But Del has a much slicker and smoother aspect, even in prison, allowing him to seem somewhat more amiable as he drops truth bombs like “I started the accident, but that other guy finished it” and “D’you ever notice that people find the deaths of innocent teenagers with their whole lives ahead of them particularly repellent?” That’s the attitude that made him the Valley’s number one chemical solvents salesman, right up until he killed someone with his car.

Mark Trail, 6/22/18

Ha ha, Howard Carter certainly is an old tomb raider! Specifically, he was born in 1874, making him 144 years old — quite old indeed! — and the tomb he raided was King Tut’s. Probably he was cursed with one of those ironic immortality deals, but he actually seems pretty chipper at the moment, perhaps because he’s lured another set of sacrificial victims to sate the appetites of the universal Dark Pyramid God he serves. If this story doesn’t climax with the reappearance of “Dirty”’s erstwhile pharaonic pal (surely it takes more than a little light stabbing to dispatch an 4,000-year-old Egyptian God-king) I will be very upset at the missed opportunity!

Pluggers, 6/22/18

Ha ha, it’s funny because pluggers resent their wives and don’t want to spend time with them!

Beetle Bailey, 6/22/18

Ha ha, it’s funny because General Halftrack will soon be shitting uncontrollably!