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Apartment 3-G, 10/24/12

Haha, Greg, good job throwing off Margo’s suspicions there. The correct answer to “Why would you BUY A NEW YORK APARTMENT when you’re SHOOTING A MOVIE IN LONDON” is something like “Gee, maybe because I live in New York and most movies only shoot over a few weeks or months?” rather than “WHAAAH MY OWN PUBLICIST DOESN’T BELIEVE ME WHAAAH IT’S LIKE SHE THINKS I’M STALKING HER OR MAYBE HER ROOMMATES OR SOMETHING WAAAAH.” Also, you know, maybe a good publicist would think “Hmm, my client has just plopped down some cash for an apartment in a glamorous building in Manhattan, maybe this could be seeded on Page Six” rather than “WHY ARE YOU HERE AND NOT THERE???”

By the way, I’m actually a little surprised that Margo isn’t on her building’s co-op board, considering her well-known love of being in charge of things and deciding who lives and who dies. The building’s conversion to a co-op apparently happened just a bit before I started writing this blog, and I’m forever saddened to have missed out on what I’m sure were a dramatic series of legal filings.

Mary Worth, 10/24/12

Oooh, Dawn’s relationship with Jim really is on an express train to crazytown! The lesson Dawn is apparently going to learn here is that the depressed and the disabled are dangerous, so you should shun them. Also, maybe the Mary Worth team has wildly misunderstood what “hydrophobia” means and soon Jim will become rabies-crazed? Can’t wait!

Judge Parker, 10/24/12

“So look, I’ll pay off whatever small amount of money Bea owes you, but in return you’ll have to shut down the vast, lucrative criminal enterprise that allows you to purchase Picassos and live comfortably in your underground lair. Do we have a deal, my violent, chainsaw-wielding, felonious friend?”

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Apartment 3-G, 10/23/12

“I’ll miss her. She was mighty handy with a taser!” says Margo, referring to a character who tried to tase one of the girls’ nemeses three and a half years ago and has been seen maybe three or four times since. Thus, Margo looking directly out of the panel at the reader and referencing Mrs. Bloom’s one wacky distinguishing characteristic is the equivalent of someone on a sitcom mugging for cheap audience applause, except in this case nobody can hear the applause because we’re all reading at home alone, and really the only people who remember a three-and-a-half-year-old one-day gag from Apartment 3-G are probably the people who read this blog. So let’s all applaud! The good folks at Apartment 3-G central deserve it! The rest of the world is no doubt just slightly but measurably more baffled by Apartment 3-G than usual.

Judge Parker, 10/23/12

Bubba seems quite receptive to Avery’s plan to become a “partner” to Bea in the operation of her fishing lodge, and also possibly in other ways (nudge) (wink) (I’m talking about a sex partnership, in which they have sex with each other). He hasn’t exactly given Bubba a reason not to dismember him with a chainsaw, though, unless he’s trying to weave a sense of “Look, I very much don’t want to trouble your harmlessly massive marijuana grow operation.” The only obstacle to a happy ending for all is Sam, who, among his many fine qualities, is a reliable prig who won’t let illegal things like massive marijuana grow operations go unreported to the authorities. Chainsaw dismemberment is still a possibility, is what I’m saying!

Dennis the Menace, 10/23/12

Hmm, Dennis offering to turn snitch? I rate this: mildly menacing.

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Mark Trail, 10/19/12

Oh, man, I can tell it’s going to be hard to not just post Mark Trail and say “THIS IS FANTASTIC!!!!” every day during the current Mark Trail storyline. It is pretty fantastic, though! I myself would rather take a fancy boat than the vague promise of money, since I assume there are people who would pay good money for a fancy boat. But I don’t know how liquid the black fancy boat market is at present? I also thought at first that our villain was winking lasciviously as he urged Mark into his boat, but now I’m pretty sure that he’s actually experiencing a stroke.

Judge Parker, 10/19/12

Obviously I always knew that this Judge Parker storyline wasn’t going to end with Avery’s bloody death, but I thought it would take more than a week to get from “Bubba threatens to dismember Avery with a chainsaw in a dank abandoned mine shaft” to “Bubba and Avery relax, drink scotch, and talk about modern art in a climate-controlled abandoned mine shaft.”

Heathcliff, 10/19/12

Heathcliff, everybody! I can’t believe I’ve been doing this blog for more than eight years and haven’t taken on America’s second-favorite long-running cartoon cat. But Heathcliff will be in my rotation from now on! Anyway, it turns out that Heathcliff is kind of an asshole.