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Apartment 3-G, 6/23/12

“No paramedics, Scott!! They follow their rules, not ours.”

Ahem. Let’s just enjoy that line again, shall we?

“No paramedics, Scott!! They follow their rules, not ours.”

Oh, man. I mean really, it’s too delicious! “No paramedics, Scott!! They follow their rules — their medically sound rules, based on a century of science and years of training and experience dealing with people who need medical attention, not our crazy patchwork of imperious and contradictory commands and whims that we’ve developed over the course of a lifetime of wealth and privilege — wealth and privilege that have kept us isolated from anyone who might tell us that we’re wrong about anything, ever. Damn it, if I want this baby sucked out of me through my bellybutton by powerful magnets, then that’s how it’s going to be! Who do we know with a medical degree who’s weak-willed enough to do exactly what I tell them to, no matter how stupid that might be? Oh, right, Tommie Thompson. Call Tommie!”

“No paramedics, Scott!! They follow their rules, not ours.”

Excuse me, be right back, getting that tattooed on my ass.

Mark Trail, 6/23/12

It actually makes me feel kind of bad for Mark Trail, because on most days his “Hmm, I’m being pursued by armed killers, let’s wake up this hibernating grizzly bear, that can only result in positive outcomes” plan would be the most deranged and hilarious thing on the comics page. But not today, my friend. Not today.

Mary Worth, 6/23/12

I’m not sure if this is the narrative intention or not, but I am 100% more interested in Mary’s upcoming stint as an Ask Wendy pinch hitter than I am in Dawn moping her way across Italy or whatever. Mary is finally beginning to realize that this newfangled “printing press” technology will allow her to meddle in lives on an unprecedented scale, forcing people to bend to her will without ever having to meet them in person! And the rest of the world is also rejoicing at the news, as the front page of the Santa Royale Gazette indicates: stock markets are going through the roof now that Mary will be dispensing advice in the newspaper, and I have no doubt that the “RESULTS ANNOUNCED IN NEW POLL” indicate unanimous support for Mary’s appointment as dictator for life.

Judge Parker, 6/23/12

Uh oh, looks like Avery’s about to fall to his death! I certainly hope that he’s had time in the car to write a new will that leaves his vast fortune to Sam.

Ziggy, 6/23/12

OK, so here’s a funny story! I was pretty much all ready to write a joke along the lines of “These birds yearn to feast on Ziggy’s flesh” and move on with my life, when something about that seemed naggingly familiar; sure enough, a little Google searching revealed this Ziggy cartoon from four years ago:

…and at the time I in fact made the exact joke I almost made about this panel. The weird part is that this isn’t just a repeat panel — it’s completely redrawn, which makes me wonder if, much like me and my birds-eating-Ziggy joke, Tom II thought of this joke again and forgot that it had already appeared in his strip and completely redrew a panel for it. That sort of problem is frankly forgivable and inevitable, for who can avoid repeating themselves when they need to produce seven jokes a week, every week, every year, for the rest of their lives?

Actually, I’m sorry, that wasn’t so much a “funny story” as a “depressing” one.

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Mary Worth, 6/15/12

Well, it looks like I need to stop making assumptions about people! I have always taken it for granted that Wilbur’s advice column was called “Ask Wendy” because there was in fact a “Wendy” persona — a smiling, attractive, late-middle-aged female avatar who served as the public face for the column. Moreover, I assumed that the few dozen elderly shut-ins who made up the column’s core audience would be made profoundly uncomfortable knowing that “Wendy” was really a man with a wispy combover who tucks his too-tight polo shirts into his jeans, and so Wilbur toiled on his column behind the scenes, getting no recognition for a job mediocrely done except for the huge paychecks that everyone in print media gets. But apparently Wilbur is well known to all as the brains behind Wendy, which is why another platituder can’t just be plugged in seamlessly while he jets off to Italy. Except that also means that the new fill-in Wendy will also be visible to readers at home, which means that maybe they’ll like her better, especially if Wilbur’s bold italicized JUST FOR THE SUMMER (…the summer … the summer …) is as foreshadowy as it looks. At least Wilbur has made one vaguely smart business decision: he hasn’t mentioned actually paying Mary anything yet.

(By the way, if you haven’t read this 100% amazing interview with Mary Worth writer Karen Moy about Dawn Weston yet, you really, really need to do so right now.)

Gil Thorp, 6/15/12

Sorry everybody, I just can’t get into this Gil Thorp teen pregnancy storyline, even now that it’s escalated to a mass team walk-off in support of their persecuted teen mom pitcher. I do want to point out that even the narration box has gotten bored and is now experimenting with sassiness. (“Um, not exactly…” is fairly low-level sass, but cut it some slack, it’s just a simple narration box.)

Judge Parker, 6/15/12

“Doesn’t the weather understand that rich people are planning on enjoying themselves outdoors? I’ll have my assistant call God at once and get this all worked out!”

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Judge Parker, 6/13/12

There hasn’t been a lot of plot development or anything over the last few days in Judge Parker, but I did want to give you a good look at Sam and Avery’s hideous fishing outfits, if only to assure you that massive, unearned fortunes can’t buy taste.

Pluggers, 6/13/12

Pluggers are sneaky cheapskates who invoke their grandchildren in transparent attempts to get out of paying for things.

Spider-Man, 6/13/12

Sadly, hilariously, Clown-9’s statement in panel two is 100% accurate.